She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[Greek]

Now she wants to get back together, but she wants to take our time and work things out first.

Is this all in?

Is this what you want?

When Coach and I talked about putting it back together, we were definitely on the same page about what that meant. No, we didn't know how we were going to accomplish that exactly, but we both agreed that the D would be dropped, I would move back home and we would do the work.

"take our time" may mean "let's agree to be patient with each other b/c neither of us knows what this will take." That's fine.

"work things out" may mean "let's do the work, find help..." Seems fine, too.

I guess it just doesn't seem clear where y'all left it. Can you add more to it?

I understand that she is apprehensive. She probably fears that she is signing up for what she had before - and really neither of you wants that - and neither of you know exactly how to completely eliminate that possibility. That is why "all in" matters so much. Both of you have to fully commit to a new beginning, using all of your new tools and skills, committing not just to each other but to yourselves.

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

By Saturday she still wanted to drop the D, but she no longer wanted to go all in. Since I mentioned to her my D15 worried we'd create another tension filled environment, she questioned her decision.

Now she wants to get back together, but she wants to take our time and work things out first.

tbart,

This is awfully vague. Can you be more specific about what she's saying this weekend, so we can better help you?

Puppy

[tbart01]

Well we spent all week acting like a married couple, but I still went to my place. Things have been going well and we hadn't talked about anything until our scheduled Saturday talk.

I only agreed to be sucked back in because she agreed to drop the D and go all in. Naturally I had a little apprehension because she seemed to change her mind so fast, so I asked questions. These questions made her question her decision to go all in.

Yesterday we had our talk, and she basically started out with yes she wants us to be back together, yes she wants us to live together, but she wants to take it slow. She's still afraid to let me back in just in case it doesn't work out.

She's afraid that if we do this,she's afraid she'll be unable to give all of her to me. She is what ifing this thing to death. She still wants to work it out, but she's changed the terms.

if I had known it was going to be something other than all in, I would not be where I am right now. I would still be out living my life. Now I have no idea what to do.

[Greek]

So Coach and I are sitting here remembering how we took those first reconciliation steps. And what I told him - and am sharing with you b/c I think it's very relevant - when I started making noises about wanting to come back to the marriage, I knew (b/c Coach made it clear) that dropping the D was a must, that moving home was a must. We talked about MC but that was not one of our conditions. And this is key - I had a strong sense at that time that Coach was not going to (pardon my French) dick around with me on this. I knew that he was not going to let me put one toe in to test the water before I took the plunge. He recognized that it was a big and difficult decision for me. He validated on that point. At the same time, he made it clear that WE had to be all in or all out. I didn't dare test that with him - I could see the strength in him and I showed the proper respect for our decision.

I think you should talk to her about it. Validate her reservations and concerns. But also communicate your position that it's all in or just stay out.

I want to repeat that this is a difficult decision for both of you. I hope she recognizes that you are taking a leap of trust with this, too.

Greek

[tbart01]

Greek, so basically if she really wants to be with me she'll respect my all in or all out stance? If she's willing to take a chance and test the waters on this, then she probably didn't really want to work it out?
I told her this morning that I can only do all in. I can't have a D hanging over my head and still be living away. We will never know unless we try. Even if we take the time to work things out, we'll still "what if" moving back in together.
I shared with her some of the things u and coach shared with me. I told her that u were two people talking from experience. I don't want to lose this chance, but it must b all in or I wont survive it.

[Greek]

Greek, so basically if she really wants to be with me she'll respect my all in or all out stance? If she's willing to take a chance and test the waters on this, then she probably didn't really want to work it out?

Not necessarily. It is likely she is afraid, like I said earlier, of signing up for the same thing she LEFT. She may feel like she needs to SEE more of who you are now to know if the new marriage is a possibility. Important for you to continue to practice what you've learned so far. Don't tell her you've changed - show her - and this is a perfect opp. Navigate this part of the path in a strong, decisive way (women like this) staying balanced with the partnership - validate, listen, compassion.

I told her this morning that I can only do all in. I can't have a D hanging over my head and still be living away. We will never know unless we try. Even if we take the time to work things out, we'll still "what if" moving back in together.
I shared with her some of the things u and coach shared with me. I told her that u were two people talking from experience. I don't want to lose this chance, but it must b all in or I wont survive it.

I believe you are correct in this.

Greek

[steady]

but it must b all in or I wont survive it.

tbart this is weak. Drop it. You will survive anything. This is catastrophizing and predicting the future.

I think you both need to define what 'all in' means. I have a good hunch you both have different definitions of what this means.

You act surprised she is having reservations. We already knew this. YOU posted above that YOU have reservations also. This is normal.

You both have to take a LEAP OF FAITH. You can what if it to death.

What if it doesn't work out - what if it does?
What if we can't get those feelings back - what if you do?

One day my W and I were sitting in MC and she said, "What if 30 years go by and I made a mistake staying and not getting out when I could?"

The MC looked at her and said, "What if you figure out he is the man you could have spent the next 30 years with?"

The point is for every predicted scenario, we can also guess the complete opposite. It is impossible to know.

But I will tell you this - and I believe this is a fact - whatever the two of you aim at is what you will get.

My definition of all in - I will do what it takes to get this to work. I will exhaust every option I have to work this out.

If you both don't get past your individual issues - the issues each of you brought into the marriage - you will end up building the same relationship. What does that mean and how do you do it?

That's for you two to explore.

MC, Retrouville, etc... I can't answer that question for you.

Are you both taking responsibility for your issues? Can you each specifically identify them? Can you see how to get past them?

Are you both willing to do the work?

[steady]

I would still be out living my life. Now I have no idea what to do.

And why would you ever stop living your life? You both need individual lives as well as a life together. Having individual lives makes sure neither of you loses your individual identity (which I'll bet good money happened to you both); it will give you guys something to talk about; it will also make your time together mean more than the 'old shoe' your marriage probably became.

[steady]

You both have to define what the boundaries are.

Live in the same house? Stay apart for now?
Date? How many date nights a week?
MC? IC?

Without clarity you're both probably on different pages thinking you know what each other's pages are.

[tbart01]

Steady, I know I would survive, but I wouldn't want to put myself or the kids through that again.

I wouldn't stop living my life, but the life I was living has been put on hold.