I don't think I can do this alone much longer. I really don't.
What do you mean?
Peace,
I just meant that I'm running out of strength and energy and resilience and being a single mom--part-time, of course--is sooooo not what I had planned, and high school starts next week. I'm just running on empty.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I'm hoping you mean that you are ready to find a great partner...and I'll pray he is just around the corner for you.
DQ
DQ, it's not even about finding a partner--because I don't have any desperate need for that. it's about being connected, period--friends, support, people to hang out with and people to lend support from time to time. I've reached out all over the place, but I think xH definitely got the friends in the divorce. he definitely got the family.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thank you for taking the time to follow my sitch--and to write such a thoughtful post. just to clarify--
I was fairly specific--I asked, "what do you need from me, what do you want?" to say "what's up" would not have yielded much useful information, I'm afraid.
he's never said anything about "casual." often, quite the opposite. it's that rubber-band thingy--the closer it gets, the more he reflexively pulls away. until he gets close again. mixed messages...I don't think he knows what he wants.
the "jealousy thing"--he assumed I was on a date, and I didn't correct him, mostly as an experiment really. it wasn't intentional. and the response was...interesting. that's all. I wasn't putting much stock in it; my brain is research-oriented these days (I can't help it, I'm soaking in it!) and when the scenario presented itself, I couldn't help making it an observational study.
I don't know what's going to happen here; I've tried to back off and detach and all that stuff, and I'm not counting on anything; this is a learning experience. At worst, we got to help each other through some of the worst times of our lives and we were as kind as we were able to be to each other--and that's not a bad thing. I really didn't want to feel these feelings--perhaps ever again, certainly not before there was more healing, but things don't always go according to plan. The last thing I want to do right now is to go looking--I'm just not ready for all the games and stuff involved in all of that. Not because of Texas guy, but because my life is already rather overwhelming at the moment.
I hope that makes sense....
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I read something on gardener's thread that I've heard before, even said before--but it sank in at a different level. The man who left me is much closer to the real person than the one I fell in love with. For years I waited for that guy to show back up, and I did all kinds of internal gymnastics to make him resurface--but he was long gone.
This is from a couple of pages ago. It's something I'm realizing now.
I fell in love and married someone on the potential of what I thought they could be. I thought I could bring STBXW out of her shell and we'd experience all these amazing moments together.
As time went on and life got disappointing and difficult -- it's life afterall -- she retreated more and more back into the quiet, suspicious, wallflower she was when we met.
So I guess I failed in my efforts to change/help her. The problem was it was probably doomed from the start. The person she is now is the person she was then. In between was a mirage.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
[quote] I fell in love and married someone on the potential of what I thought they could be. I thought I could bring STBXW out of her shell and we'd experience all these amazing moments together.
As time went on and life got disappointing and difficult -- it's life afterall -- she retreated more and more back into the quiet, suspicious, wallflower she was when we met.
So I guess I failed in my efforts to change/help her. The problem was it was probably doomed from the start. The person she is now is the person she was then. In between was a mirage.
It was no mirage. You were trying to make someone something you wanted her to be not who she was. I'd say that's always a formula for failure! Often when we want to make someone something else we are saying more about ourselves than about them. Why do we pick someone who we see as defective and need to "fix" them? Do we feel unable to relate to someone we see as "equal" to ourselves? It's easier and less scary to be in a R with someone who "needs" us rather than with someone who is confident and happy with who they are. If they need you to "fix" them then they won't leave you but be eternally grateful to you, the Grand Poo Bah of Fixing...that's the fantasy anyway which is seldom the reality. Just something to think about.
Wii, you are so right. Sometimes the fixing thing is done on a subconscious level. Then slowly we come to realize what we are doing, and that ultimately, we are damaging that person. And worse, they come to realize it too; and they hit the reset button. Think about it; they could've been quite happy as the wallflower and maybe met another happy wallflower, but in swoops a handyman who wants the wallflower to leave the wall; to rip her/himself away from what is comfortable for them. Handymen should stick to other handywomen, and happily fix things around their house, and leave the wallflowers alone. In my humble opinion.
Hmama, you didn't say if Texas guy ever replied to your email. If he has left it this long, I think you know that you're in for another rollercoaster ride, unless you get off and leave. Perhaps, when he is totally ready, he could contact you again, if he feels anything for you. Keeping you hanging on is a disservice to you because you can't move on then.
I am going to be doing a research course next semester, but it's to do with media. I am looking forward to it.
Thinking about you. If you need my tel. nr. to just talk, I can send it through FB.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I read something on gardener's thread that I've heard before, even said before--but it sank in at a different level. The man who left me is much closer to the real person than the one I fell in love with. For years I waited for that guy to show back up, and I did all kinds of internal gymnastics to make him resurface--but he was long gone.
This is from a couple of pages ago. It's something I'm realizing now.
I fell in love and married someone on the potential of what I thought they could be. I thought I could bring STBXW out of her shell and we'd experience all these amazing moments together.
As time went on and life got disappointing and difficult -- it's life afterall -- she retreated more and more back into the quiet, suspicious, wallflower she was when we met.
So I guess I failed in my efforts to change/help her. The problem was it was probably doomed from the start. The person she is now is the person she was then. In between was a mirage.
