^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You got it, Awest! 100%. Wow, it feels good to be understood!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I have dated a bit. It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. And I was the horrible one because the man I went on dates with was actually pretty great. I have never felt so trapped and exposed in my life. I actually contemplated feigning a heart attack to get out of the restaurant but figured that would not be a plausible option as he was a doctor. The bathroom had no windows (I looked) and I silently prayed *somebody* would call me and tell me my house was on fire (not all of it but enough to have to run home!).
On paper he was great - very nice, smart, funny, good looking and blah blah blah. I don't think am the dating kind. I think I am more of the lets hang out as friends and see what happens kind of girl (lady, female, woman... not sure what we all agreed to use as to not creep anybody out). I like men, am not anti men but the idea of going out with somebody just to out with them makes me want to hide under my bed.
My mom was alone for 13 years before she remarried and she loved every second of it. She did things she never thought she would be able to do. She only met my stepdad because he was her specialist after her eye surgery (IOW very unplanned and just so happened).
I don't know what the future holds, none of us do. I just can't imagine thinking about or planning on or hoping for a future with a person that is just an illusion. But really, that is what is right for me and what I feel and believe.
We all have our "lists" of what we would like to find in a future partner but IMO that is much different than planning on having a partner. Sometimes people just come along and it's a delightful surprise that enhances an otherwise happy life.
S' fever is fluctuating between 100 and 102. He crashed at 5:30 (2.5 hours earlier than normal) and kind of whimpers every now and then as he tosses and turns back to sleep I will take him in tomorrow if he still is running a fever above 100.
But I am restless...I mean I can't relax because I am aware that S is sick! I can't focus or get engrossed with a task...talking on the phone seems ok.
Usually I am occupied with S until 8 p.m. so it is weird that I am "alone" yet not alone since he is upstairs.
GM, I understand what you are saying; I get it crystal clear!
On a different subject, it is strange how familiar being single is to me...I guess it is because I was not in long term relationships prior to stbxh, whom I met at 28. Therefore, I have now been single for 29 of my 34 years...85% of my life! weird.
Oh and today I threw away the following books: DR and DBing (SORRY I LOVED THEM BUT DO NOT WANT THE BAD ENERGY!) His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage Surviving an Affair Not Just Friends 7 Principles for Making Marriages Work and one other that I am forgetting
I replaced them with: Getting the Love You Want Getting Past the Breakup How to Have a Fling to Detach from Your Ex* JUST KIDDING! hahaha!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
GM and CG, do you remember that movie, "Waiting to Exhale?" I bet you could relate to what the women have learned for themselves by the end of the movie!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think what you pointed out may have quite a bit to do with our difference in thinking. You were only married for a short time. I was with my H for 13 years and almost 11 of those years were marriage.... we met when we were both 23. I am 35 now. So the majority of my adult life was in a very, very serious and what I thought was a very vested R. You have been single for the majority of your life so it makes more sense when you spell it out that way.
I am actually fascinated by the way you just decide you don't want to be alone and you do something about it! Dating to me seems so manufactured and I don't have any desire to date just to date. Now I would date because I liked the person but I am not sure I would date to find somebody I liked.
I was a single guy with very little dating and no romance for 38 years. And I would not want a "do over" so as to be attached romantically during that time. My solitary time was very precious for me. It allowed me to gain life experiences and personal growth on my own schedule.
I do understand your desire to be with someone though. I look forward to it also. On paper, and in the text of these posts, it sounds good, but in reality, it is just some icing on the delicious cake of life. What really matters is reaching a self actualization. Being comfortable with being the captain of your own soul.
Originally Posted By: Invictus by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
I never admitted I didn't know what codependency meant. "Codependency or codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. " That's wikipedia!
Hmmm....
Anyway, sorry that S is sick, NM. And I'm really glad to hear you're in the whirl of school again. How was putting S in daycare? you can respond in my thread if you want (don't want to hijak) but that's my whole life right now!
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
I have dated a bit. It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. And I was the horrible one because the man I went on dates with was actually pretty great. I have never felt so trapped and exposed in my life. I actually contemplated feigning a heart attack to get out of the restaurant but figured that would not be a plausible option as he was a doctor. The bathroom had no windows (I looked) and I silently prayed *somebody* would call me and tell me my house was on fire (not all of it but enough to have to run home!).
LOL. I have been on such dates: when everything seems forced and awkward.
Your honesty is refreshing
Quote:
We all have our "lists" of what we would like to find in a future partner but IMO that is much different than planning on having a partner. Sometimes people just come along and it's a delightful surprise that enhances an otherwise happy life.
My experience with "lists" is that they are crap in the end. Aside from the basics--character, confidence, and self-control--I don't think people need much more in a partner other than some real, genuine empathy and the ability to actively listen (and these things are a two-way street).
I made lists of things for years, and I started to feel like episodes of "Seinfeld".
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/12/1012:29 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Guess what? I wasn't co-dependent, stbxh was (according to that definition!) weird. Not that I can't admit if I was or not, just that I am wary of those labels because it seems so "rampant." Obviously there was something wrong with me, lol!
And wow, I never thought of dating as manufactured! Interesting! Seriously!
About lists--yeah. I have LEARNED and will confess something:
when I was looking to find someone to be with long term (i.e. my stbxh) I did look up risk factors for divorce. I saw what they were and decided to "screen" the men that I liked by these factors. Ok so for example, if you both are older than 25, both went to college, both have similar views on money, etc. then it supposedly decreases your risk for divorce.
My therapist told me a number of time to NOT THINK SO MUCH and to FEEL instead!
What I am saying is that this next section of my life, I will be basing my interest in men on some basic levels...not to make a list, but we would be lying if we said that nothing mattered in the future mate: 1)is he mentally healthy 2)is he good with kids 3)can we be content just talking and laughing together 4)are we attracted to each other
and then the honesty, trust, etc. will show up during the dating process I guess. If he can't keep a job or is lousy with money, that is a red flag (based on my previous dating experience) as is anger issues, socially withdrawn, and stupid ridiculous mind game crap like being passive aggressive, pouting, doing "tit for tat" etc.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I will take him in tomorrow if he still is running a fever above 100.