I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[awest1217]

July's birthstone is a ruby.

[newmama]

Thank you, Awest!

Just sharing that I was talking with my friend C the other day and was feeling some major guilt over being a "bad wife." This is random- why was I thinking about that? I thought I was over it!

Well, she at first tried to say "no, no- that's not bad!" but could tell that I wasn't looking for someone to reassure me! I was speaking the TRUTH and FACT if you know what I mean! So she said that we all have made mistakes, and she used to be a bad wife but improved but still has bad wife characteristics and some good wife characteristics, too. She pointed out that although she and her H (and my other friends) all liked stbxh, they noticed that he seemed to be "controlling."

This surprised me- controlling? He didn't boss me around or tell me not to go out with my friends or demand I come home from work at a decent hour or put me on an allowance, etc.!

She explained that it seemed like he took care of everything, and taking care might seem nice or nurturing, but it is also controlling. Guess what? She was right! How did that happen?

[awest1217]

My H was the same way. I was controlling because I took care of everything (financially because if H did it everything would be late. Every credit card bill and many of his college loan bills he has admitted to being late on although he has the money). However, we never did anything because H would never decide on what to do or where to go and if we went anywhere I was always on edge about if he is having fun or not because I would get an ear full later, etc. Ultimately we never did anythign at all. We sat at home with me wanting to go out, but H wouldn't decide where and if I did then he said I was controlling him.

It is crazy how this does creep in on you.

[newmama]

I believe in positive thinking! It is awesome and helps me through so much. So I will plan my future with someone in it--but the other stuff you said is right on! 20/20 is hindsight and maybe this will be an opportunity for me to really learn how to communicate needs and wants, etc. in my next relationship.

But yeah- "good wife and bad wife"--it's all subjective. I guess we should have defined what we needed. Ah well..."cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it!" right, Romeo?

[newmama]

Poor S is sick with a 102 fever and cold. Daycare called me to pick him up. I was eating lunch with my old 1st grade team so I had to leave early!

Well prior to that, I saw my classroom and I love how it looks...but have a lot of work to do. I saw a gossipy teacher and she asked how I was doing. She said "so what happened?" and before I could stop myself I blurted out "he left me." damn!

Then she asked "was there someone else?" I avoided that question and just said "it's been really hard but I am just plugging along, getting through it, focusing straight ahead..." blah blah blah....

EVERYONE said "wow, you are so skinny!" it made me feel good, I admit, and what's funny is that I am NOT, but compared to last time they saw me, I guess so! I made a joke to someone and said "it's called the divorce diet!"

So anyway, now due to my impulsivity, the gossipy teacher will get to go around telling people that I am getting a divorce because he left me. Crap- luckily this will be old news very soon!!! Why do I have to be friends with so many people in the school? argh!

[CityGirl]

I guess what I wonder is why it would not be positive to plan your future without a man? I understand the best case scenario would be have a life partner (if that is what you desire I mean) but what if that doesn't happen despite your plan?

I wonder that myself and actually feel (felt?) way safer planning my future alone (alone = not married again).

Then again, you never know who will come along!

[ImprovedRomeo]

NM, I hope S feels better- that's the thing about the daycares the first couple of years are tough but then they build up a good resistance to the common colds etc. Take care of S.

CG, I agree- it's good to have the confidence that you'll be OK alone. In fact, I think it's important to get to that place before you think about being with someone else. However, it makes life so much more fun when you have someone to share in the good times and bad

Exactly, they say things happen when you least expect them

[newmama]

I think you guys and I will just have to agree to disagree!

Do I know that I could live alone as an old maid school marm and be a single mother? Of course I could! BUT I DON'T WANT TO SO I WILL NOT!

I will keep arguing with you guys (affectionately of course) but it is NOT human nature to be solo. Nope, we do need affection (it is proven by research) and we need companionship. I don't need a husband to make me feel good about myself and I don't need a husband/boyfriend to feel "complete," but for MY life, I plan on having a lover-companion-boyfriend-husband in the future, for my values and dreams in life, and that is what will happen. (future could mean 3-10 years, folks!)

GM you might be misunderstanding me- I am not "waiting" or "saving" stuff for when I am with someone! No, if I want to go to Greece with S or my friends, I will still plan on going, kwim? I think it is a problem when people pass up plans or opportunities to WAIT or "just in case" they get married.

I met stbxh 3 weeks prior to moving in with a roommate in order to save money to buy my own house. My future roommate said "I don't think you will be reliable because you might marry this guy" and I laughed at her and said "wth? I have only known him for a couple of weeks!"

As for being codependent, I don't know! Unless it applies to anyone who wants to stay married when their spouse leaves or cheats?

[TimeHeals]

Do I know that I could live alone as an old maid school marm and be a single mother? Of course I could! BUT I DON'T WANT TO SO I WILL NOT!

You're only 34

That's so cute Die alone LOL

You have plenty of time..., and if you rush into another relationship, I suppose you have time for another divorce even

Your path: you get to chose it.

[awest1217]

NM I completely agree with you and believe you have the right attitude. It is not that you are looking for the perfect H right now, but you are dreaming (as all girls do) about the right guy and there is nothing wrong with that. You have your life and live you life well by yourself. To me it doesn't seem like you need a guy, which is what codependence is, it is that you want a guy to share with. Codependence is when there is a person who can't live without another person in his or her life. You are by no means codependent. If you were, you would have been dating or trying to find someone to date when H left a while ago.

I guess I am in the same boat as you. H left 16 months ago and by the time the D is final is will be 18 months. I say by next spring/summer if I find someone I want to go out on a date with, it would not be because I am codependent. I am going after I have already changed a lot (same as you, just look at the title of this thread) and am ready to meet some new guys. I am saying it will be my next H or that I am looking for a new H right away, no, but I will then have been alone for almost 2 years.

I think you are perfectly fine. The people to worry about are those who are looking for a R when they are still hooked on their spouse or who are trying to DB while looking for the next potential mate...that is codependence, but meeting some new guys. Nothing at all is the problem just be careful and know yourself.

Hope S feels better soon!