My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Gardener]

hm,

...Hoozh. Light-bulb moment.

Standing O moment!
And maybe, just maybe,

...I want this more than I need it.

you needed this now more than you wanted it.
That was a joy to read.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

ohhhhh, sometimes I am really blonde, especially on Monday mornings....

I'm sorry, I needed WHAT more than I wanted it?! what part of all that processing was a joy to read?! there was a lot of crap running thru my head this morning (woke up at 3:30, couldn't go back to sleep)...can you clarify for me (batting my eyelashes....)

[rockedworld]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this HM, it is helping me process some realizations of my own about STBXH. As painful as it is to come to these realizations, it helps.

[Gardener]

hm,

I'm sorry, I needed WHAT more than I wanted it?!

This:

And I feel like I am finally looking at this from a position of strength, not like a clinging vine--I want this more than I need it.

Re-reading it, I realize now you meant this in your present frame of mind and processing/conclusions, am I right? I originally read it as past tense: "I wanted Texas guy more than I needed him," and I was suggesting that perhaps - in the past - you needed him more than wanted him.

what part of all that processing was a joy to read?!

The clarity of your processing, conclusions and acceptance:

... And I think I finally understand that's healthy, not clingy... I understand that he's still healing, I truly do...For all I know, I won't see him again until next spring, and that's unacceptable...isn't it a good thing to want to build upon them--slowly, carefully, but still--building bridges and not walls? And I feel like I am finally looking at this from a position of strength..I'm okay. It's okay to want to test the waters of intimacy... without running for cover when feelings surface...that doesn't make me the weaker one.

Peace,

[BeingMe]

There is so much good stuff here, so much inspirational ah-ha points you have covered in your last couple of posts, that I cannot say anything, but .... WOW!!!! You are one awesome Hmama. So many of us here strain to be at the point you are at, even the oldtimers like me.

[hoosiermama]

ah...thanks for your patience, Gardener.

I realize I obsess about all this stuff. I want to put all the pain behind me, to move forward (whatever that looks like!), to heal, to find peace. NOW!

And how do I find that fine, healthy line between being accepting and understanding, and having no boundaries or needs? I've never been any good at that, and it ALWAYS gets me in trouble. This seems a relatively safe place to discover that line, tho.

[hoosiermama]

There is so much good stuff here, so much inspirational ah-ha points you have covered in your last couple of posts, that I cannot say anything, but .... WOW!!!! You are one awesome Hmama. So many of us here strain to be at the point you are at, even the oldtimers like me.

Oh, sweetie--you must be joking!! I'm just as confused as anyone else here, perhaps more so. I'm happy if anyone can learn from my ramblings, but I'm not sure how!

[Gardener]

hm,

ah...thanks for your patience, Gardener..And how do I find that fine, healthy line between being accepting and understanding, and having no boundaries or needs? I've never been any good at that, and it ALWAYS gets me in trouble. This seems a relatively safe place to discover that line, tho.

You're welcome, my friend.
This place is safe...and a Godsend.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

oh, absolutely.

[hoosiermama]

Getting my computer back tonite--hallelujah! I can type about 3 lines, then the screen changes and I'm typing blind, so if some of my posts don't make sense, that would be why!

So I emailed Texas guy yesterday, tactfully and kindly asking what he wants/needs from me at this point, because the mixed messages are confusing. Since his visit I've gotten a few great, expressive emails about his feelings, how close he feels, etc. But communication is sporadic at best, perhaps a couple of notes a week. He'll occasionally write about some crisis with his ex or his daughters, or chairing a group of scientists studying the public health effects of the gulf spill, (sometimes I lose sight of the "scientist" aspect!), -- but then I get no followup, even when I ask. If he doesn't hear from me for a few days he'll be very concerned; once when he assumed I had gone on a date Igot quite a bit of communication! And perhaps he IS just busy and doesn't feel any urgency to chat. Who knows--it's so long since I have been in any kind of relationship that I don't even remember what's normal!! But there it is, and I'll be interested in his response--because I truly am at a loss here and I feel like I'm in high school again an I don't much like it!