I don't know, DQ--I'll have to check that out. I'm thinking when he brings it up again in October, I'm going to let him have it. his email was so condescending--"I know it's hard to balance things, my budget is tight, etc." His car is paid off, his income is very large for a single person (and I helped him get there, and he left after 2 months of prosperity), yes--D14's high school tuition is much larger than elementary school, but it's also larger for me, he owed a lot in taxes--but that's not my problem, he should have had more withheld. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to horse shows every weekend with gf#1, and he might have had more discretionary income. And he thinks D14's options and resources should be more limited because of his selfish decision? I don't think so.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I really do think he's just trying to get me to agree to a decrease "unofficially"--which I will never do. D14's life has essentially sucked the past 2 years in many ways, many (most?) related to xH's decision to abandon his family. This isn't about me, it's about her. I never saw him making the same sacrifices and feeling the same discomforts we have felt; I haven't seen him have any significant consequences for his actions--they've all fallen on us. It's time for that to change, perhaps; at any rate, I'm not sacrificing anything of D14's so he can have a more comfortable bachelor life.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
hoosh...please do us all a favor and find out what exactly happens with a CS review in your state, how it has to be initiated (do you need a lawyer or can you just do it on your own, etc), and if you can, run a CS calculator based on your best guess of his info and find out how much more $$ you should be getting each month. Then let us know what you find out, so we can either encourage you to go for it, or encourage you to just hold tight for now (if it wouldn't be more).
If its going to be more, why on earth would you not go after him for it??? That $$ is for your D, not you. SHE deserves and needs the support from him. Its not about making him pay for his choices (although we'd all love to), its about what is fair to your D in the eyes of the court system!!
I heard a story of a mom who tried to tell a judge in her divorce hearing that she wasn't going to ask for child support from her ex because she was making plenty and didn't need his money - nor did she want it. The judge admonished her and told her "that is not your decision. That money is for YOUR CHILD, not you. You are not allowed to place emotional ties upon what your child is entitled to".
Point being - its about your D...not about your xh or even about you...your D needs more and deserves it. GO GET HIM!
well, there are a couple of complicating factors. First is that he agreed to pay the majority of joint debt (because he ran up most of it) and I did not have to buy my half of the house from him (nor could I)--and that was a factor in the CS negotiations at the time of mediation (whether or not it should have been). The other factor is her tuition, which he's paying 60% of while I'm paying 40% because of our discrepancy in income. And that CAN factor into CS payments. And the number of days of overnight visitation also get calculated in--and she's with him 3 nights a week at her request (and I haven't been inclined to push her on that, since she has had so little voice in all of this). So unfortunately it's not as simple as the basic CS calculation because of tuition. My lawyer predicted this would happen. However, I'm still not going to roll over; the plan has always been for D14 to attend this school, and her plans should not be altered because of changes in xH's life--he should be the one altering plans, not D14.
I know it's not about making him pay for his choices--but it's about that last statement in the above paragraph: his decisions should not alter her resources, they should alter his. She should not have a lower standard of living. That's not how it's worked out. And while that sounds somewhat philosophical, it does get played out--judges don't care if a father has to pay the majority of his income for support, the childrens' welfare takes priority.
Last edited by hoosiermama; 08/06/1008:45 PM.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
...his decisions should not alter her resources, they should alter his. She should not have a lower standard of living. That's not how it's worked out. And while that sounds somewhat philosophical, it does get played out--judges don't care if a father has to pay the majority of his income for support, the childrens' welfare takes priority.
Yes! Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Just journaling some weekend revelations; the iPhone typing will encourage conciseness!
Feeling stronger in the midst of the overwhelmed-ness. I will handle xH and the CS and it will be ok because my priorities are appropriate. Mamabear rules.
I read something on gardener's thread that I've heard before, even said before--but it sank in at a different level. The man who left me is much closer to the real person than the one I fell in love with. For years I waited for that guy to show back up, and I did all kinds of internal gymnastics to make him resurface--but he was long gone. I'm seeing him again in xH and his new relationship--overlaid with the mean and ugly guy he is when he's not communicating in front of her (she's a therapist, and by all accounts good person who hasn't yet encountered the real xH yet; she wants to believe she's been instrumental in healing--she's naive, in the way all lovers are naive)
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Anyway...I'm understanding my frustration in this new relationship--such as it is--with the Texas guy. I'm not so sure that the man who invited me into relationship in the beginning is still there. It has been very good at times, and it's difficult for me to experience the level of connection and healthy intimacy I felt on his visit and not want to build on it. And I think I finally understand that's healthy, not clingy. So many good elements are there, it's a natural thing to want to keep opening doors. But I've felt so much pulling away since that time, in spite of some lovely discourse to the contrary. And I understand that he's still healing, I truly do. But for all I know, this might be the real "him," a guy who throws up walls when things get close. Either way, it's painful to want to build connections and not have that returned. For all I know, I won't see him again until next spring, and that's unacceptable. I'm not saying I want to marry the guy, but when we have so many positive elements in a relationship (yeah, ok, amidst the walls, but I'm getting to that--isn't it a good thing to want to build upon them--slowly, carefully, but still--building bridges and not walls? And I feel like I am finally looking at this from a position of strength, not like a clinging vine--I want this more than I need it. Maybe this is where the rope gets dropped, where I step back and just become a friend (no benefits) and stop banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what's wrong with ME. I'm okay. It's okay to want to test the waters of intimacy--slowly, carefully--and to do that without running for cover when feelings surface, but to sit with them, abide with them, see if they fit. Perhaps he's not ready to do that; perhaps he never will be. But that doesn't make me the weaker one.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I read something on gardener's thread that I've heard before, even said before--but it sank in at a different level. The man who left me is much closer to the real person than the one I fell in love with. For years I waited for that guy to show back up, and I did all kinds of internal gymnastics to make him resurface--but he was long gone.
I read something on gardener's thread that I've heard before, even said before--but it sank in at a different level. The man who left me is much closer to the real person than the one I fell in love with. For years I waited for that guy to show back up, and I did all kinds of internal gymnastics to make him resurface--but he was long gone.
Holy $HIT, Hoozh. Light-bulb moment.
Ouch!!!
Puppy
yeah. funny thing--I've realized it before. I knew it a few years before he left (he doesn't--never will; his partners are supposed to meet his needs, that's the way it works for him). Sometimes these concepts sink in a layer at a time, and in different ways depending upon where one is at any given time in the healing process. I'm pretty sure that in the beginning of this whole thing I thought he was in MLC, because some of it fit--but also because I wanted to keep having hope, keep believing he might come back a better person. Not sure when I left that behind, but it was long ago. It was an exit affair with all the accessories--rewriting, blaming, rationalizing. Far easier than looking in the mirror and accepting he might have some responsibility for the marriage falling apart.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
