Awesome! Really - you have progressed a LOT just since I've started reading this thread. And it's great that you are willing to continue working on you and work through everything that is heading your way.
Peace i would never say those things to my W, that's why I wrote them here. I'm not stupid, I know better than to say things like this to her. I'm smart enough to write these things here, in my journal, or say them to someone other than my W.
Those were just some random thoughts that I had to write down so I could get them out of my head. Being that I still haven't been home to hear the reasons for this, all I can do is analyze.
I know my W still cares about me and loves me, but to what extent I don't know. I'm in Afghanistan and I rarely hear from her anymore unless the kids have done something. If she gets an uplifting email at work she sends them to me. i just don't know what to think.
I know I need to move on and make improvements, so I figured why wait until I get home to line up counseling. The sooner I start the sooner I'll be able to move forward.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
I know exactly how you feel about her faking it. In my sitch me and my XW took a two week vacation together and even made love. I thought for sure that our marriage would last a lifetime, especially after spending some quality time with her during our vacation.
Well guess what? She drops an A-Bomb on me two weeks later. Asked her why she ML to me and went on vacation with me and she said out right that she faked it because she thought it was what I wanted. WOW! It must have been traumatic for her to have spent time with me and f*** me! (Sarcasm).
Anyway, It is good that your W wants to bring up issues. I actually envy you because of this. With my XW she just rolled over one morning and said she wanted out of the marriage with zero discussion or argument etc. Been divorced since Feb and I'm still clueless as to why she left me. Never told me anything other than IDLYA. If your wife wants to talk about issues this is FANTASTIC. All her hatefullness aside, It means she may want to work things out. Why else?
Listen to MH about detachment. Some of us will never completely detach. After being with the woman 23 years how can I? But detachment is the key here. It is a healing process and it has helped me greatly. Detach Detach Detach. It's the only way your going to be able do deal with all this and keep your sanity.
Wishing you the best.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
didn't mean to go off on you tbart - it just struck a cord with me because my H IS actually stupid enough to say them outloud to me over and over and over for 3 years - even up to a couple days ago.
I know you're not stupid. You're here - keep journaling....its good for the soul.
She's starting to act with a little more confidence and mojo, and i think it's great. That is the person I married, but she's never acted so hateful towards me.
tbart, keep an eye on this. My W got confidence and mojo but it kept intensifying to the point where she was abusing me and walking over me. I didn't draw boundaries when it first started happening and that was a mistake I made.
When they have that power and see the can wield it - especially when we're walking on eggshells and not wanting to 'rock the boat', like a child, they will push to see where the boundaries are.
My W started wielding hers like a sword. Just keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't get into abuse territory.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady I will definately not allow her to walk over me. We really haven't talked enough lately for her to do that, but when I get home I'll watch out for it.
I don't like calling home to speak with my daughter and all my daughter does is tell me how much she hates mom. She keeps telling me that she doesn't like how my W has changed and how mean she's been. I keep trying to calm the situation and get her to see things differently but it doesn't seem to work.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Here's another question. When I get home and we finally have our talk, she's going to bring up finances. She's going to blame me for the fact that we're not where she'd like to be financialy. We live well, have allot of things, but savings is scarce.
She's brought up money to others and she blames me. Last time I checked everything we have is in both our names, so obviously we both bought the stuff. Unfortunately, things have come up that we've had to use savings for. Her self employment went under, she's been fired three times.
Obviously where we're at or not at financialy isn't all my fault. My question would be, how do you validate that one when she brings it up?
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Someone please try to answer my previous question, but I need to vent for a moment.
I was doing pretty good today until a song came on the radio that my W had told me back in December reminded her of us. It's from Theory of a Deadman, and it's called "Not Meant To Be". Now I can't get the dang song out of my head and I'm pi$$ed.
She's so dang selfish she's got my D wanting to leave home. I called my house, W answered, I said how are you, is D there, she said yes, want to speak to her, and I said yes. That was it.
All my D could do was tell me how much she hates her mother, the house, and the neighborhood. She said she doesn't like the way mom is being and she hates her.
I tried to calm my D, but it didn't work. I told her that her mom was a good mom, but she's going through something right now. You need to give your mom love and respect. My D said that my W doesn't respect her. Conversation went on like this for awhile.
I told her she can't dislike the house and the neighborhood, because that's where were going to live. I said besides I'll be home in two weeks. She said she'll like the house and neighborhood when I return.
My W is being so dang selfish. She has absolutely no idea what the he!! she's doing to the children and this family. It absolutely crushes me to hear my D say the things she's saying, but my W is causing it. I'm trying to stand by my W and defend her, but it's getting harder. My D isn't stupid, she knows how she feels.
My D said she can see that I have and am continuing to change. I'm really starting to get mad as he!! the more I think about what my W is doing. Of course I won't express any of this to her, that's why I'm here.
I just want to get home and have this conversation. I want to hear what she has to say, then I want my turn. I know everything she's going to say is total B.S, but of course I can't tell her that.
I then want to tell her that the cards were stacked against me along time ago. I want to tell her I know her chicken sh!t a$$ sent me to a combat zone so she could plan to leave me while I was here in danger at all times (of course I won't).
I'm going to validate what I can, then tell her that my intentions were never to marry her and make her unhappy. I'll tell her that I haven't become the man I wanted to be. I don't want to D or S, but you do what you have to do. However, I'm going to move forward and continue to make steps to become the man I want to be.
I really don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I haven't even gotten home to speak to my W and I'm ready to give up. This is draining as he!!. I've been in a combat zone dealing with this crap since just after Thanksgiving. I guess I'm not as weak as I thought, I'm still here doing my job aren't I? This is the single most chicken sh!t, selfish thing anyone could do.
Sorry about all of this, but I'm angry right now. Listening to Iron Maiden and Ozzy probably isn't helping me, but I needed to get that song out of my head.
I just don't know how to handle this anymore.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Here's another question. When I get home and we finally have our talk, she's going to bring up finances. She's going to blame me for the fact that we're not where she'd like to be financialy. We live well, have allot of things, but savings is scarce.
She's brought up money to others and she blames me. Last time I checked everything we have is in both our names, so obviously we both bought the stuff. Unfortunately, things have come up that we've had to use savings for. Her self employment went under, she's been fired three times.
Obviously where we're at or not at financialy isn't all my fault. My question would be, how do you validate that one when she brings it up?
uggg!!! you are still applying logic to her emotional feelings, this is her emotions talking right now.
She's an adult, it's 2010, are you saying she wasn't capable of contributing to your financial status? She made choices as well as you did. She's complaining about money only because there is nothing for her to take so that she can start her new life, are you seriously that blind, give your head a shake. When she blames you, tell her to take those fingers and point them at herself as well and ask her what she did to help with your current financial situation, was she part of the problem or solution? Don't always take it on as your responsibility, you have your answer.
