She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[DanF]

you tell her:

"I'm not sure anymore, after going through this entire process, I'm not sure how I feel anymore about you or us as a couple, I've had to get used to the idea of not being with you and not being married because that's all you've wanted for the last several months and honestly I've lost some trust in you since you were willing to split us and our family apart I've had a lot of thinking to do on my part, you feel like considering the two of us getting back together again now but your feelings unfortunately seem to change regularly, and they may change again and that's something I have to consider and I would need to be able to trust you and your commitment to us, I don't want someone to stay with me just because of money, I want something better for me and the person I'm with. That's just me being honest, I hope you can understand that."

You've been pursuing her for so long,
now you turn it around,
you reject her indirectly,
you've had an awakening now,
you've been doing some thinking,
maybe this is for the best,
you don't want someone who is flakey and changes their mind every other day about the relationship they have with you,
you want better,
you're worth better.

It's counter-intuitive and it works, regardless of her initial reaction to you saying this. It's a soft rejection, you're not turning down the idea but you are taking her side on this issue where for the longest time you were on the opposite side of her on this issue. You adopt her thought and mindset on this when she didn't want to be married. This enables her to pursue you, this gives you higher value, this is what she wants, she wants to pursue you (or another man) that she can't have, give her what she wants (indirectly).

The idea is, YOU need time to think about this, it's your decision now, don't just jump at the offer she's giving you, you will get slammed down again. Make her work for it, make her show you she is committed to you and your family and not just because of money security issues.

The real question is, can you pull it off?

Saved for my future reference, Thanx Robx, you KNOW this is how it works and I'm waiting for my turn. I can feel it coming.

Do it Tbart!

[steady]

What robx said.

tbart, I know it sounds very counter-intuitive. But look at the track record:

Every time you pulled away she chased. Whenever she started to come back, you started to act like a kid who was getting what he wanted, some reason came up in you that it wasn't going fast enough, far enough, etc...(pursuing behavior), you guys got into a fight, she ran straight to D talk.

She says lets get back together, you say, ok. Then you, not intentionally or blatantly, start to do the 'happy dance' inside yourself. You change from the tbart moving away and moving forward, to the tbart who desperately wants to keep his family and R together. Then she waffles.

Look, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Take stock of where you REALLY ARE RIGHT NOW. Where are you internally? Where are your emotions? Where on the scale is your desire to be with this woman? Be brutally honest. Lay your insides right in front of yourself.

No one here is saying don't take an opportunity to fix your marriage. We're saying don't jump every time she shows signs of going that way. Next time take a more laid back approach.

If you read the words robx has written as a 'script' you'll see there is no rejection of getting back together. I think you'll also see it's really where you are at inside yourself. You have doubts, and every time she pulls some crap or waffles back and forth about working on the M, your doubt grows.

It's the only way to get her to pursue you and for you to take back control of the situation.

I saw it perfectly written at this place:

The person who cares least about the relationship controls the relationship.

And also:

How can a person chase something that isn't moving away?

Digest this page of posts. Really take a good hard look at it. I can tell you are confused by the last question you posted. This method isn't an extreme, it's not even close to one.

[steady]

Also, I think it was Coach who wrote somewhere in a post that when his W showed signs of reconciliation he just went ahead with his life as he was doing. He wanted to make sure she was really committed to it and he knew if she really was, she would keep pursuing the issue. He made her work to have him.

The more they work at trying to reconcile the more investment they have in doing it. Plus it will show her real desire - if they don't want you they won't come looking. If they want you, nothing can stop them from working hard to get it.

[tbart01]

I get what you guys are saying. I stayed away all weekend boating, and she was sending me random text messages. That's not something she normaly does, so I knew she was just trying to see if I would respond. I actually ignored the messages and replied back the next morning.

When I went to the house to drop my boat off she told me that she hadn't yet made a decision. I told her that it's pretty simple. Either she wanted to be with me or she didn't, and if she really wanted to be with me she's make that decision. I told her that since she cant' then we need to continue doing what we're doing and I'll move on.

She said that she agreed to give me her decision by Monday and to wait. I let her know that I didn't expect her decision to change and that I will continue doing what I'm doing.

Last week she agreed that I would leave once she got home from work. Up until now, I was staying at the house for dinner. Yesterday my D4 asked if I was staying for dinner tomorrow, and before I could say anything my W told her yes.

This woman is very confused and loses control when she doesn't have the control.

I'm still pressing forward until this woman can show she's ready to commit to me and the R.

[PMA_Baby!]

I think you're missing the point. Why are you letting it be her decision? Can't you see by doing that you are giving away all your POWER and LEVERAGE?

Hold the line. Let her know what YOU have decided.

PMA

[robx]

This woman is very confused and loses control when she doesn't have the control.

Never mind her, I'm confused.
Which house is this?
Isn't she in the rental and you're in the house?

[tbart01]

No, I moved out a few months back while her and the kids stayed at the house. Now her and the kids will be moving into the rental permantly. My W can't afford the mortgage on the house.

On the weekends I have the kids she goes to the renatl and I stay at the house. The idea was to leave the children in there house and neighborhood with there friends.

Now that she's made the decision to proceed with the D, I told her that she had to move so that we can each start our new lives.

[Steve McQueen]

I just want t make sure I'm clear on what you guys are all saying. Are you suggesting to balk at the opportunity to get back together at this time and continue to move on?

that you asked this question tells me you do not really know yourself. never mind that she is confused herself, but if you do not completely understand yourself as an individual how would define your part of collective or in a collaborative sense/relationship?

[steady]

I get what you guys are saying.

No you don't. Not yet. But I think you're teetering right on the edge of getting it. You just need a bit of nudging by us to get you to drop off the edge into what you think is a bottomless abyss.

I stayed away all weekend boating, and she was sending me random text messages. That's not something she normaly does, so I knew she was just trying to see if I would respond. I actually ignored the messages and replied back the next morning.

Sounds like when you move away she chases.

When I went to the house to drop my boat off she told me that she hadn't yet made a decision.

I'm a little confused here. Decision about what? The marriage, the divorce, selling the house, moving into the rental...???

I told her that it's pretty simple. Either she wanted to be with me or she didn't, and if she really wanted to be with me she's make that decision. I told her that since she cant' then we need to continue doing what we're doing and I'll move on.

Ok, this tells me you still don't get what you're being told here. That's ok. It can be a bit paradoxical and scary. You're basically telling her if SHE wanted to be with you SHE would decide to do that. You're going to move forward because you don't see HER changing her mind. Go read robx's 'soft rejection' script again.

She said that she agreed to give me her decision by Monday and to wait.

This one is interesting. I'm assuming she's going to give you a decision whether she wants to work on the marriage or not. Is there some magic wand that's going to wave in front of her on between now and Sunday that's going to give her that answer? I'm not sure how someone can put a definitive time limit on something as complex yet as simple as the decision she is going to make.

I let her know that I didn't expect her decision to change and that I will continue doing what I'm doing.

Here you are still putting the decision in her hands.

You're saying, "Look, I'm here willing to work on the marriage. You're telling me you are going to give me an answer by Mon. I don't expect you to change directions because after all, you're in charge of where this relationship heads, not me. (you keep delivering the power into her hands) I'll just keep moving forward (although I'm really not because I'm still allowing you to decide whether we'll be together or not). But I will instantly change direction if you make a different decision(In other words, when you jerk the chain, I follow the pull).

Last week she agreed that I would leave once she got home from work. Up until now, I was staying at the house for dinner. Yesterday my D4 asked if I was staying for dinner tomorrow, and before I could say anything my W told her yes.

And why didn't you say, "Well actually I'm not. I have some very important things to attend to." (You snatching control back. The decision was made where you were going to leave once she got home from work - you allowed HER to control whether that was going to happen). It seems counter-intuitive, but your W would have had a definite reaction had you done that. You would snatch back control of your life. YOU decide what YOU are going to do...not HER. This was a perfect opportunity to gain back some control - it presents very little risk (in your mind; in my mind, I see no risk at all) with a big payoff.

This woman is very confused and loses control when she doesn't have the control.

Yes she is. And you're following the bouncing ball right along side of her.

I'm still pressing forward until this woman can show she's ready to commit to me and the R.

How about pressing forward until you decide you are ready to commit to the R?

I asked you some pretty tough questions a few posts back. Take the time to post your answers.

tbart, I really feel for you man. This concept is so simple, yet it appears to be invisible when someone is in your position. It was invisible to me when I was there. If you can grasp it, you'll go ah ha.

What do YOU want tbart?

[steady]

Any updates tbart?