I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Just came back from my date with zipliner. He greeted me with a hug and then we sat down outside and ordered a beer. I still found him attractive, thank goodness, because I was worried that maybe I just wanted to go out with him because I knew him, you know?

So at first the conversation was a little formulaic and stilted but I sensed he was nervous so I tried to put him at ease. Then we started jumping around with different conversation topics... he has the kids 5 days per week! Is the primary caregiver! I was touched by that!

BUT. I got the sense he believes in the "soulmate" theory...he didn't argue with me when I said that we are able to be with different people. That concerned me!

So then I saw we had similiar interests, he was truly a dedicated, loving dad! And that is sooooo huge to me! Another good dad! I am so glad there are so many out there! (Like on the DB forum, too!)

We talked about honesty and he said he was married 19 years, she started checking out...we didn't get into details. He said at our age+ we know to date a bunch of people and to see who we mesh with.

He asked me "have you dated someone that you had that 'zing' with and you turn into a 6th grader? Like instant chemistry?" WELL WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY? YES!! ZOOBREW! But I said "not really...I'm just getting out there. From my previous dating experience in my 20s, I have learned that it is important to give people a 2nd date if there is some connection on the first date!"

So by the end, we both said let's meet again and he said "I feel a connection, too!" even though I didn't say those exact words so he went to (I swear) kiss me although we had been together for 90 minutes. He got my cheek. I said 'it's the first date...'

ANd that was that! Oh boy. I hope I didn't lead him on! The truth is that yes, he was attractive (I refuse to go on a date with someone I don't find physically attractive) and we had a pleasant conversation. But if he is thinking WOW, I am not! I am thinking "let's go out again and see how it goes!" and am curious about my 2nd date with zoobrew!

At least he totally was honest! I wasn't totally, though! But come on, what would I really say? You know?

[ImprovedRomeo]

That's great that he agreed to take S on Thu nights. I bet he would've thought twice about it if you'd asked for Fri nights?

Wait so there's zoobrew, Rugby and 'this other man' too now? good for you!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey I think you did really well! I'm impressed with how well you're able to answer those difficult questions right on the spot. And no you don't have to be an open book with a complete stranger on your first date!

The only awkward thing was that he tried to kiss you on the lips? Are you sure? I don't think it's appropriate to kiss on the lips on the first date or maybe I'm just the shy kind? Even on the second date I wouldn't unless I get a clear signal from the girl.

[newmama]

Romeo, thanks for your comments! Well he moved in for me, like directly to my face, probably just for a smooch which isn't a big deal but to me but I felt like I needed some more time with him before I kissed him!

So a couple more observations about what I learned from the date....
he said that his wife started to have back problems, then got depressed and then kind of gave up. He said she wasn't adventurous...when I asked him if he meant like doing outdoor activities such as ziplining, he said no, more like trying new foods, going to different places, being up for anything.

Hmm. This made me think of the whole "men looking for playmates" idea I read somewhere. It made me reflect on my marriage and how ACTUALLY I was open to new things and being adventurous but just not with outdoor activities. Of course in 2008 I started to change that, but OW was very open to outdoor activities.

Then I asked him why he was dating- he said for entertainment. Aha! He was also rediscovering his interests and identity after 19 years of marriage. Thank goodness he was just looking for fun, although he also came right out and said men choose who they would date by whether or not they would f%$# them!!! I laughed at his honesty and bluntness! He said it was very simple. He said it takes 2 seconds to know. But when I asked how they fall for a woman he said that was separate and then didn't get into it, lol!

Now I also talked to Rugby some more and we are going out next Tuesday. more on that convo in a few...

[gatsby11]

so glad you're posting about your dating, NM. if i had just gotten on this forum and stumbled on your thread, i'd be really comforted by the fun that you describe in your dates.

has zoobrew not responded lately?

[newmama]

Oops- I made a typo during my post about zipliner...I meant that when I talked about there NOT being such a thing as soulmates, zipliner didn't agree with me...he said he wasn't so sure about that and that some people are so unique that there is one person for them and that he is a romantic at heart. But I am dating for fun, so who cares, right?

Ok so Rugby, 33, (Zipliner and Zoobrew are 44) had been married for 10 years. His wife was very materialistic and got into designer purses, designer shoes, money, status, etc. She was very much a homemaker and he said she was good looking and all but didn't have much substance.

He said that he wasn't looking for a girl...he wanted a woman who knew herself and knew what she wanted and that he had "been there,done that" in the military...slept around, got his fill...now sex isn't his number one priority. He wants to connect and have good conversation with someone!


Something that impressed me with Rugby is that he reflected on what he could have done different in his marriage. He also has goals for self improvement. He started his business 6 years ago and wants to retire in 6 years. He listens to news on talk radio and is up to date on current events. I didn't know if I was but we had a discussion about the diamond trade and it seemed like I knew "enough" to have discourse with him!

So I said at the end "let's meet! How about Tuesday of next week?" and he said he could and said he would talk to me again before then. I said yes maybe sometime this weekend and he said he would be texting me. DOWN BOY!!! EAGER! But I bet I will make out with him on our date! lol! well, IF he likes me in person and he finds me attractive- especially because I don't know if he is only into size 6s, you know? Ha ha, now I want him to like me!

Next thing....honestly I don't feel the desire to meet other men after these guys. I want to go out with them and then whatever happens is the end for now. Then, the next time I get out there, I will be dating for a relationship! When I will be ready and willing to have my heart broken! Oh but I will be taking my time looking for MUTUAL chemistry and if I feel it but the other fella doesn't then I don't want that fella! I want someone who will think I am amazing and that I will find amazing! Let's be picky about important, simple things, not my stupid checklist that I had before...

[newmama]

From urban dictionary:

1. On There
A phrase used to fill a sentence. Along the same lines as "like, so." Commonly used in a workplace environment while in conversation.
Your one of my top people on there, your doing great!!

We were making apple pie and I forgot to add the apples on there

2. on there
A meaningless phrase used in a conversation to bridge gaps between unrelated thoughts or used in place of uh or um, when you don't know what to say next.
Did you see that news story about the sheep getting killed? On there. You need a haircut.

[newmama]

Gatsby, no zoobrew hasn't initiated any contact since I texted him on Mon evening. At least I got the impression he is still interested in me! I am 99.9% positive I will hear from him in time to go out with him next week! Here is what my gut tells me about him, though:

He is interested, curious, but cautious.

Here are some clues, taken from our conversation here and there, that I am using to make that inference (so I am not accused of blindly mind reading, lol!):

He told me I was the first person he dated since he broke up with his ex girlfriend in April. He had asked me a lot about how I was responding to the divorce and told me that I was in the grieving process. He shared his experience of hitting it off with someone after his divorce but then he pushed her away because it was too soon.

He said things like "it took me a long time to get over my exW. A long time. But now it's fine! I don't want her back. I spent the first year trying to get her back, and then I spent time mourning and I dated too soon.....here's a test to see when you are over your ex...when you are first dating, you will be comparing others to your ex. When you stop doing that, you'll know you are over him."

"you're putting your ex on a pedestal, that's normal to do at first" and "how do you feel about the idea of your ex having children with her or someone else"


But I just went back to my posts and re-read my description of the date and the communication we had afterward. Yes, he likes me! I am acting like Rugby "DOWN Girl!" so I am going to pull off ANOTHER academy award performance (DBing with stbxh was my last one...am up for a different role now with zoobrew....) and be calm, cool, collected IRL.

So please forgive my silly immature gushing here on the thread...if I don't express it all here it might leak out with zoobrew and I could push him away!

[newmama]

oh yeah- 2 more things about zoobrew that I didn't post- when we talked last Friday, he asked when I was available and when I said I could get babysitting but maybe Wed he said maybe he could rearrange but maybe next week (meaning 25th...)

And on our date he teased me and asked me if I would be stalking him now...AND asked if I was controlling, having come from a dysfunctional family!

so that is why I am being cautious and not pursuing him!

[awest1217]

Very smart! Really use what you have learned and if he never initiates anything no big deal. You have a few other fish on the line that you may throw out and more will come along.

It is awesome to hear you gush because it is fun and revitalizes you so don't worry about it.