I've been told that the works come after the H comes home. I'm still working on trying to be friends with my H and he will have to want to come home. Seems like a lot of work to me, but I'm sure dealing with our S being there everyday is more taxing!
Been a long time since I posted, H has gone away sailing for a week, so I am able to ome on here without getting caught. LOL
Things are good between us, however I am suffering from PIS ( Post Infidelity Syndrome).
I know a lot of you peicers will know what PIS Is. I cant let it go !!! the pain is still there, and im frightened.
Update on H and my life.
We have our house on Market, we have been looking for the perfect home since Christmas, Found one but it all fell through and have just litturally found another, at the moment negotiating an offer with the seller, had someone round to look at this place today and seems they love it, I am hoping they ar going to make an offer next week.
H is very different, he wants to move more than me. He never wanted to before the bomb!! he is much more settled seems like he has made up his mind we are together forever.... hmmm I had made that decision years ago!! its only reflecting on the way he is now and the way he was I realise he obviously hadn't.
The pain I feel from that realisation is hard.
I thought we were happy .. seems he wasn't I Trusted him 100% .. Seems I was wrong to I loved him with all my heart .. Seems he didn't me
OW still works at his place, although he has told me she is leaving ( Good bloody riddence!!!!)
So, How do I get through this? I have lost respect for H I dont feel the same He is not the most wonderful being on this planet anymore
Of course I still love him, I wouldn't be here if I didn't, but I feel so let down.
I dont trust him, I still feel its still going on sometimes. In reality I KNOW Its not, But I just feel it some times.
We had an incident with his phone a couple of months ago, I questioned him, and mor recently ( I havent a clue why) but I just bought it all up again and started to question him, I really wish I hadn't, bcos I found out something I had not known before and I couldn't eat for a week bcos of it. He admitted he had been S***ing her in his office.
I obviously knew they had been doing it somewhere but to hear it just made me physically sick!!! specially when He wasn't doing it with me. I asked him did you enjoy Shagging an ugly woman? he said Im not answering that. He has said he didn't fancy her, Please someone help me to understand!! why would u do that ?
Anyway Im acting " AS IF" most of the time but I want to let go, how do I do that ?
When we move we are gtting more land.. the reason .... for me to live my dream and have my own horse. H knows I have always wanted that, So , we are doing it. He would never do that before, I should be happy , instead im scared!! Why ?
Sometimes I look at him and think, you have ruined everything and at one point when I was having one of those thoughts he said something to me, I said H you will never know how much I once loved you, He looked at me with such sad eyes. I knew it was not good dbing, but at that moment I wanted him to know I have lost something, if I keep doing that we wont make it.
I think it dosn't help that I cant visit the board, if he saw this place he wouldn't think it had helped us get back togethr ( he is too skeptical).
How can I move on, let go of the past, enjoy my new H, use the A as a stepping stone to something new.
Our D is so happy Mum and Dad are back together. H is happy, I know he is, he is more loving, he is totally different, the issues are with me and my PIS.
I think everyone goes through this, and I am not there, but someday hope to be... but Acorn posted a great post about trust after the A.
She suggested to get the After the Affair book and to go through that if your H would be up for it. It is a good book , I have been reading it myself. I am sure others will be posting to help you, too. I know it takes an incredibly long time to get past this, you have been working so hard to suppress your feelings while you were trying to get your H back and now they are bubbling to the top.
Hang in there!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sue, I'm not where you are, but I have walked next to a good friend here on the BB who went through all you are feeling right now; T2.
It seems to be normal, all I can say is it seems to get better once you detach from the A thing. Once you can let go, you can move forward into the new R.
Wow! Your post sounded so much like my sitch; my H is having an affair with an ugly disabled person, why do they do that? Who knows, I will never figure it out!
Go read T2 thread and you will know it IS possible to get past the A, and move to a better place. I'm confident you can and will do it!
I have been on the boards intermittently lately, post over in Hopefulness. I've followed your sitch and love your attitude.
I'm happy that your H is home and working on things with you. I really relate, though, to your trepidation.
I had to write and thank U for the new term PIS. I now have a name for my condition!
My guy's A is over and he's making murmurs about us getting back together. But I'm just not responding. And I know why -- I don't trust him, I'm still hurt, and the more I find out about what he's been doing with his life in the 2.5 years he's been away, the more despairing (also angry) I get.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe initiate D myself. Or -- we could do what it takes (Time & Patience grrrlll -- read your own tatoo hee hee) to build trust again.
It's just that I've done so much work already I feel it's his turn -- and that attitude is counter-productive.
Sigh.
Now a tidbit of an idea comes to mind. I have found it helpful, when feeling loss and grief, to do a version of the "thought-stopping" technique.
If it's FEAR I'm feeling, I HARD FAST NOW look around my life and touch/hug/hold the things that make me SAFE and COMFORTABLE. Like my dogs, my favorite old chair, my library. Evoking nature, history, learning.
Whatever's upsetting, find its OPPOSITE and make that REAL for you right now.
Feeling loss? Look in the mirror at your lovely eyes. Know you have your soul.
Feeling sad? Lonely? Jealous? Touch something handmade, stop by a nursing home, toss your hair free in the wind and smile someone.
Actions get my mind off troubles.
(Anger seems to be the hardest. Feeling angry? What can I touch that says PEACE OF MIND/FORGIVENESS?)
Gotta practice something like this right now cuz I'm frustrated and nothing is moving as fast as I'd like.
Let's see, what can I do for quick results? Hmmm... rearrange the CDs in my carousel and DANCE TO REGGAE?
Throw myself out the door to the local flea market and DANCE TO REGGAE?
Looks like REGGAE is a universal cure!
Love to you, and congratulations on your BIG SUCCESS. It's awe-inspiring. You're getting the pony we all hope for!
I gues your right everyone must go through this and I knew it was never going to be easy, But I never klnew I would feel like potential WAW. I have days where I think why am I doing this? Yet when I was fighting to get him back I knew why I was doing it. Our emotions are funny things arnt they?.
Yeah that book, I actually saw it when I was in the states with H, I picked it up he saw me looking and walked away dont think HE wants do be reminded.
I will maybe order it secretly amnd see.
I hop things are ok with you, I wll pop over to yor thread later.
Yours is one of the threads I do regularly keep up with, I have tried a couple of time to reply to you, however aftre I have written what I want to say, he either walks in or comes home and I click out of it.
I was so sorry to see your sitch change direction the way it did.
I will read T2,s thread thanks for that.
Your H will come to his senses one day, looks like it could well be too late.
I am about for a week H has gone away, so I will pop over and see you.
I have read your thread a couple of times and the last time I read your H was doing an about turn, I knoew that was coming, I think I once told you, you was right behind me. I admire you for your corouge to hold of and not jump back in there.
Funny But PIS Is really a god word dont you think ? LOL
Quote: Now a tidbit of an idea comes to mind. I have found it helpful, when feeling loss and grief, to do a version of the "thought-stopping" technique
This is good advise, I do occasionly use this technique, however I have a tendencie to forget all techniques when My emotions are running away with me.
I am finding latley that my Jaw aches from constantly gripping my teeth together in anger.
I am looking forward to moving and horse buying, maybe my new life will start to blot out the old life.
H has changed so much, when we look at houses he is on about buying chikens and ducks ... LOLOL Thats me!!!! Not H, Im gobsnaked.
Thanks for your lovley reply, I love to read them they are so artistic, I feel like im reading a novel, I hate it when it ends LOL
Have you heard of Dr. Laura out your way? She has a new book out, called "Care and Feeding of Husbands". It is a real eye-opener. My husband dropped the IDLY bomb before having an A, but I am sure he was thinking of it (lost weight, got teeth cleaned, worked out, etc)
I am new here, learning this DB'ing stuff, but I must tell you, I got that book and it has made all the difference in the resentment and anger I had that "he would do this" to his family. I learned how a "guy" shows love, which my H had always done. I learned not to nag, not to make demands, and a few other things, all things I had been extremely guilty of. Many other eye-opening things. No wonder the poor guy left me, I had not done much right, really.
I'm not saying you have consciously done things wrong, I was never conscious of any of that stuff. Just the way I saw my parents. And as an aside, I have been able to forgive my dad, who left my mom for his OW. My mom didn't do much right, either!
Anyway, I have a renewed sense that I can make this R work and never go through this again, because of the things I learned here on this board, and in that book.
