My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thank you, NCB and BeingMe. those are nice sentiments, and I appreciate the affirmation.

I generally have made progress in dealing with this, it's just that D14 telling me about the dinner brought it back up again for me. D14 feels like the "black sheep of the family" as she says, because the others (except for grandparents) are really quite wealthy and consequently have significantly different interests (and values). I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm not around now. and since I have no family, it doesn't get balanced out for her at all.

I truly hate that she seems to be growing up just as isolated as I was. and I feel pretty helpless to change that right now.

[hoosiermama]

I'm beginning to feel as if D14 and I are cursed in some way. She cannot seem to catch a break. this time: she got her annual letter from the children's choir, which she's been in for the past 4 years. it's one of the best in the world, and we've been blessed to be part of it; this will be her last year because of her age. and she did not advance choirs for next year--she's repeating the same one. (this is much like not passing a grade in school.) she didn't pass her written test (she has a math LD, and it affects much about reading music--but she sings and plays by ear). and her audition didn't go all that great. the worst part is that all the other kids from her school who were in her choir advanced...and they're all a year younger than she is. of course, they all have pianos and parents who can afford lessons, they haven't been harassed by the school music teacher and intentionally excluded from school music activities like D14 has been, their lives haven't been blown out of the water for the past couple of years either.

she's devastated. so am I. I don't seem to be able to dig out of this hole I've been in and make my daughter's life more normal. She's isolated--no one ever calls or texts or even answers her fb posts. she has no friends. she's a really nice kid, very intuitive, she sings well, she's very compassionate, and she's very bright (in spite of the LD). her life has been miserable the past two years because of her father leaving and trying to force a relationship with OW, because of being bullied in school by classmates and the music teacher, and she's gone from being an honor student to failing math. thank God she begins a new school next year, and one well-known for achieving success working with LD's. she really needs a break, tho, and my heart is breaking for her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mine is too.



I'm so sorry, Hoozh. I will pray for her extra hard.

Puppy

[DanceQueen]

Hoosh...I haven't been posting in months, but I wanted to check in on you and was so sad to hear your heart breaking in your post about your D. It hurts to read because my son had some extreme challenges as a child with bullies, not having any true friends (only a few neighborhood kids who mostly took advantage of him), and really struggling in school. This was his reality from K through 12. All the kids saw him as "weird" and teased, bullied or worse, ignored him. He rarely had bday parties with friends or sleep-overs (maybe one every two years). He used to love the movie Stand by Me, about the four thirteen year old boys and their bond and their adventure story...and it would break my heart to see him watching it over and over because I knew what it really meant...he was wishing he had that type of experience...even with just ONE friend...but there weren't any.

So I had to be his best friend, even knowing that it is just going to make matters worse for him to be a momma's boy...but what else could I do? So we were always extremely close, had fun and laughs and I always kept his spirits high...but I actually yearned and prayed for him to just have true friends like he needed.

But that never happened for him as a child, and he grew up thinking there must be something so extremely wrong with him for him not to be able to make true friends and keep them. It really affected him, as you can imagine. His father also emotionally abandoned him during our divorce, when he was 14 years old, so obviously that didn't help matters much.

For the life of me I could never figure out why there were no friends for him, as he is a very sweet person and is very deserving of friends. Why did this happen to him?? (We moms can agonize over our babies' struggles so stoically).

Anyway, the reason I have to share this with you, although it probably won't help right now, is because NOW my son is 22 years old....and WOW, DOES HE HAVE FRIENDS?!? He sure the heck does! And they are real, true friends. They truly love him and want his companionship. And they are GOOD kids and nice people (not users, posers, or jerks). He has at least 50 acquaintances that are close enough to go out and hang out with, attend their get-togethers, go camping or hiking or dancing with...and another 20 or so actual close friends. (This doesn't count the 100's of FB friends). He has many girls trying to date him, as well, and lives with a young guy roommate and they are having the time of their young batchelor lives.

We have talked now several times about his feelings about his friends or lack of friends...starting when he was very young, and all the way through school, and now during his young adulthood. He can express how frustrating and sad it was for him back then, and can reflect upon how grateful and happy he is now. He is especially grateful that he didn't become bitter or mean in response to how the world treated him back then...but instead, he just had to have faith that he was worthy of friendship until he grew in maturity enough to really understand how to be a good friend and how to be confident in meeting people and in relationships. He can see how unfair it was to him during his childhood and it still hurts him, but he has overcome any lifelong self-esteem issues that may have come from it, and now he just feels happy and headed toward a lifetime full of friendship and companionship.

Hoosh...Try very hard to take heart in your D's potential future, even given all of the challenges she is going through. This is not to downplay the very real affects they have on her now and will have on her forever...but she has her own future destiny which may be totally different than her childhood. She may not end up feeling isolated and sad forever. She may just turn it all around and become "herself" in a way that leaves all of that far behind. I am amazed to find out who my son really is, his real self that has been created through struggle and sadness...he rocks! And he is nothing like the sad, depressed young person I had very much expected him to become, based on the evidence of his childhood.

YOU and your love for her are the only things she can always and forever count on, so you know she has at least ONE THING that will be her platform to rise from. A platform that will always be there is the only thing I could give mine, too, and it was apparently enough.

I only share this story as a glimmer of hope, as I have so been where you are emotionally with regard to my fears and worries for my son...and I know there is nothing to take away the reality of her present circumstances (and yours). Yes, it may hurt like this for some time to come...but your prayers for her to overcome it WILL COME TRUE. Just believe in them and never let it go...even if all evidence gets you down in the meantime, the future can be different.

You've come so far. She has had a difficult path thrown in front of her feet. You and she still have a lot of your book of life left to write. Keep focused on a happy ending! Keep remembering that not only can every change for the worse (as it already has for you for the past couple of years)...but things can also suddenly change for the better (as you are just now beginning to see in your own life with the new job, the in-laws reaching out to you again, etc). THINGS CAN CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!! Keep that in your heart as tight as possible. You're such a sweetheart, I just know it is all going to come full circle.

DQ

[BeingMe]

I'm thinking of you and your daughter, Hmama! Take heart that things will change eventually. Life is never a level playing field, and sometimes we spend a lot of time in the valley rather than the mountain tops, or even on the mountainside. She is lucky that she also has family, even if not from you, at least from your XH. And, she has a loving mom ... worth more than all the wealth of her aunts and uncles.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

DQ,

That was a beautiful post.

As a kid, I was never either the "popular guy" nor the guy with NO friends; I was more like Kevin in The Wonder Years, with a couple of close, GOOD friends, smallish, bookish, funny, "cute" (god, how teen and pre-teen guys hate that word!), with a couple of friends from the "jock" crowd and one or two from the "geek" crowd.

In middle school, I was picked on unmercifully (I've never even told my own family this), and never stood up for myself. It was a horrible experience.

Thru it all, I always had GIRLfriends, but never really good male friendships, including the first couple years of high school. That all suddenly changed for me when I, basically, "broke up with" a guy who was my best friend, who was HIGH-MAINTENANCE and I just finally grew tired of kissing his ass all of the time, and decided "Having a friend shouldn't be this difficult."

After that, I seemingly met kids easily, and I had a small core of VERY good friends, and we were part of a larger circle of 30-40 kids, male and female, who all used to do stuff together. The last half of high school -- and into college and adulthood and before my marriage -- was a GREAT, happy time for me, that was full of many friendships and romantic relationships with some great (and great-LOOKING!) girls.

Not sure why I even wrote all of that, Hoozh, other than to say I can relate to C somewhat, and can relate to what DQ is saying about how quickly it can change for a kid. I think it's harder for a girl, and other girls can be SO cruel. To this day, neither of my daughters (now 23 and 21) have many female friends, and it makes me sad. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God to send a good one or two across their paths, and I"m still believing for that.

Puppy

[BeingMe]

I was a bit like Puppy, with a little more dash of nerdness. I had no problem being alone though ... I would practice my netball throws, and sometimes my friends would just watch me, or read a book, or I would read a book on the field and would get annoyed when disturbed. I took jiu-jitsu, and apparently (I heard much later) a lot of people were a little nervous of me, especially since I never backed down from bullying, words or physical, and most didn't know how much pain I could inflict. Hahaha! A lot ... I grew up with a very competitive brother, and we used to wrestle, etc. I was a tomboy that liked pretty clothes too, and reading sci-fi when it wasn't popular, yadda yadda. But, we also changed schools a lot --- dad was on the railways. So one gets to know how to make do, and get on with people. Maybe that's Clare's issue ... not enough moving around, so she is too used to being in the same place and it hurts more when previous friends are hurtful, or teachers she's known a long time suddenly change. Not that you could ever know what is the best thing for a child's nature.

My youngest is best being in the same school whereas the twins didn't care one way or another. My eldest was an only child for 7 years, and I never really knew what was best for her. She was often bullied, but she was such a softy, that she couldn't harden herself to fight back (and I don't mean physically), but she didn't want to say mean things to the school kids. (I had no problem when I was younger.) No matter what I did, it seemed it wasn't good enough, but now in retrospect, nothing she experienced was that bad. She had friends, albeit sometimes in other schools. She never went without ... clothes on her back, food on the table, her own bedroom, pocket money, etc. It was harder after the twins arrived, but she always had what was needed, and especially my love, and her step-dad's love and support.

All you can do is your best and you're doing an awesome job. Once Clare grows up, she will look back and see that things weren't so bad, and that which was, perhaps made her stronger. I think she's going to be a really lovely lady one day.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Thank you all for the support. D14 is no longer all that upset about the choir thing because she really likes this director (who is an absolutely wonderful teacher, and always very positive and upbeat), a boy she likes will be in this choir in the upcoming year (ugh) and she has the opportunity to tutor individually with the choir director in hopes of retesting successfully and then moving up when/if there's an opening. So maybe it's more my problem than hers...altho I just have a sense that she just doesn't have many expectations for herself at this point.

We had a good weekend together--got a spontaneous invitation to a free concert on the lawn of the downtown state park here, which was fun for both of us. It was nice to spend time with another mom--I really miss that. and the girls had a great time together. D14 and I also went to a Farmer's Market (it's more of a big community party, really) and before she came home from her dad's I went to the opening of a new shop in our little struggling neighborhood followed by lunch with some friends--3 other moms. That was very nice, but I burst into tears talking about D14 and the choir issue. They all know D14 and their kids have made them aware of the bullying issues, and they were all quite supportive, so that was great.

I felt, however, like I was dragging myself through the weekend, and I still feel like such a failure as a mom. This is just so different from how I had planned to raise my daughter, and I see such a change in her from before her father left. I wonder how different her life might be now if we were still together and her life was more predictable. I think I'm doing the best I can, but everything is such a struggle...and what if it's not good enough?

[hoosiermama]

DQ, thank you so much for your long and thoughtful post. I had no idea you followed my sitch! It does make me hopeful; I see so much potential in my daughter if only she didn't have such an uphill battle right now.

[hoosiermama]

hm,

"Interestingly, I think I feel closer and better about where "we" are than ever before. And I don't even know where "we" are! But I have felt great about talking with you, sharing more, and just being a bit more stable since our time together. I've not felt so pressured for or about anything. I feel a closeness and intimacy with you that is wonderful. I don't feel the pressure to create something romantic. I'm at the point right now where some kind of romantic commitment would make me run for the hills. I'm so much less needy now that I can enjoy being with people or I can enjoy being alone. I'm not so needy and am feeling so much better, and you've contributed to that. So perhaps the pulling back that you're feeling is just us establishing some sort of homeostasis without one or the other of us clinging on to the other like we're drowning?
Anyway, you know you can always tell me what you're thinking. You have blessed me more than I have words to express."

You've potentailly something wonderful, here.
No matter what form it takes.

I read "healthy"into all of it.

Peace,

ah...but why have I only heard from him once since then...an interesting description of his recent success in rock-climbing?! what's up with that?!