Hey Sandi, Please help!! I probably screwed up a lot tonight. If you read my thread on Mon I let my emotions get to me and probably said things that made my W do something’s over the past few days to speed things up (Bad for me). First I get this text that says call me after work.
I got out about 10 and call my S first, then call W, She begins to say I’ve been thinking of what I said over the past few days and then gets teary. I’m 5 min from house and asked if she wanted me to stop by. I get there and she offers me some water, then we proceeded to talk.
I ask what’s up and she goes in to well I’ve been thinking of what you said the other day and we don’t have to go into details about the D. W said she has the outline for our property settlement agreement and debts that she worked with her lawyer.
I was pissed cause I thought something was wrong. Now this and she is working with her lawyer again. I thought she was doing this without the lawyer by herself. I said great draw it up and I’ll have my lawyer look at it.
Then we got back to fighting about us, the affair the issues we both have etc and the D. I let my emotions get to me again, then I heard (I not in Love with you) I said how could you have feelings for OM. I told her she will get what she wants meaning the D in the end.
We just seemed to continue to argue, then she tells me to just give her the D and I fire back saying that it would just be too easy. We even argued about the separation time she said Jan 7th this year, but we were intimate in Feb so that wipes that. Plus no one really knew that we were D till we told our S in the middle of April. (W tells me to choose)
I said we have 2 roads to take one the end of us, or a new one we can actually work at together with the help we need to make our M what we want. She told me we would probably last a few more years and be back here. I ask her if she ever thinks she is making the wrong choices (Yes, sometimes).
I said when we D (we) won’t end; as we will see each other at least once a week b/c of S, & what will D solve besides this temporary bickering and some of this emotional stuff we are dealing with now.
I later asked, why did I work at our M for the past 2.5 years for? W says how many chances do I give U. When she feels that I broke promises to her. I told her how could I try and get myself together out of depression for my family, and be the husband you needed. When I felt you were going to leave or go sleep in the spare room.
After more petty bickering ok more me this time ( stupid emotions) She asked me to leave as I brought the affair up and said, I don’t want to deal with her anymore, or text or talk except for son.
So I finally did leave and was going to text something nasty, but I reframed and called. W picked up this is the last time I probably would call. I told her she would get her D and, I did want to talk it’s just my emotions were getting the best of me and I probably said things I shouldn’t.
W said she was just trying to be upfront with me. Needleless to say we calmly talked for 45 min. I said I shouldn’t let my feeling s out, but oh well She asked me after all that she has put me through why? Did I still want to work? I told her that I’m willing to forgive her & myself. W said she has a hard time doing that for herself maybe someday she could.
Finally I said I don’t want to leave one stone untouched before it’s all done (or something like that) Stupid emotions!! Again we probably got nowhere… If she second guesses herself why not try and make us work that things can change? Why can’t she see that? I’m just confused & don’t know what to do next please any tips or advice. I’m not & do not want to give up please help  Thanks Talk Soon Hope
This is the most simple one tonight. I am not an advice giver but leave things that cause fights alone. No more relationship talks, no affair talks(it sucks and it is hard) be her friend. If you can manage to get a friendship going with her again, and one day then you got this thing licked. Your story sounds the most hopeful of all the ones I read tonight. Quit talking about the serious thing and be her friend. Ask her about her day, talk about the kids and be f--ing happy around her. No fighting no matter what. You lose. Emotions will kill this. You are killing this and it can be fixed. Be friends and talk about nonserious things. Make her trust you again. And then do it-be friends. It is your only chance but you have a good chance of getting this back. Read other posts. Read the book. Leave your emotions and hurt at the door. Those are killers.
Hey, thanks for the support advice I don't get a lot of time to post or read others somedays, with work, school, seeing S, and trying to keep busy. However I want to say thanks I just let my emotions get to me sometimes I know that it's wrong!! Last night when we did talk on the phone it was actually nice. I just dont get why she thinks I could not want her after what W says she has done to me? I dont get it. I can forgive and move foward( we both have our Mistakes) I know I have to re-read the DR.
This whole sisuation is just crazy and I just don't get it? I may never understand, but I'm not going to give up on us or the hard work I have done on myself.
I feel more confident than I have in yrs, and not just being a F**king door matt. Again thanks and hope to her from others as well. Talk soon Hope
Hope. As they say in the book , you have to stop going down cheeseless tunnels. If you keep arguing about the same thing and letting your emotions get the best of you, the cycle will continue and she will see you as the same person. The one she doesn't want to be with. You have to show her , not tell her that you have changed.
If you don't , then what is the point. You have to let her go and be prepared to actually live life without her. Hurts like hell but there is no other choice really. You can only work on the things that you have control over and she is not one of them at this point.
When my W saw that I was not going to converse with her anymore andt that I had changed my life in so many ways, she took notice and started to chase. This took time and she backed off a few times but I knew that she was interested and it takes sooooo much patience. I am not a patient person but you have to develop it and fast ( if that is not a contradiction).
Only when you let her go or at least she perceives this, will she take interest.
Good luck.
Nine
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Hi Hope, Some good advice here, you must have hope, that along with changing your behavior is what will give you your best shot at saving the marriage. With hope, you also need direction as to what to do next, when she puts up a roadblock or does something else...pls. call to talk to a coach, as they are experts in giving you that direction as to what to do next! Best of luck to you.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hey ninelives, Thanks for the support I'm trying my best to GAL and show W I can move on without her. With the advice & support of the many people from here & my IC/MC it's helpful.
This ? Is for anyone to offer advice thanks; now that were separated how can I tell if wife is completely done with OM? W & I haven’t talked since the other night except for when the AC guy to the house to repair it the other day. My plan was to stay away while S was visiting family and have no contact. So I'm going to try and continue to be out of the picture. (Just hard that’s all).
Does any epically a woman's point of view know what she might be thinking or Suggestions? (I know everyone is different & no one knows for sure) but I wonder if any of the women here have been in a similar situation? Does anyone think I’m stupid to believe my W? One of the reasons I believe her is because this did happen to her in the past, as I wrote in my other post!!
I just not 100% yet & its harder cause were apart. This probably the same stuff everyone has heard, but it just helps to post and get advice. Talk soon Hope
I wished i could help. You don't know if she is telling the truth or not. Only she knows. Man, you have to find out if you want to trust her or not. A relationship without trust is not a good one. Sorry I couldn't help.
Hey thanks, I do trust her. It's just hard based on what’s happened, but I to make our M work. The other night after we calmed down from arguing, somehow we got on different subjects.
W asked me why I would want to try and make us work after all that she has put me through. I said it's called forgiveness and I can forgive her as well as some of the things I have done. W said she’s not sure she can forgive for what she has done.
Does anybody have thoughts or suggestions? Not only are we dealing with this Affair situation, but W is also dealing with issues from the past. One of them includes the affair her ex had on her while she was pregnant. Talk soon Thanks Hope
