My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

wow...so much affirmation today. thank you all so much.

today was a much better day. I think I knew at the time that I was cycling back thru some grief...and I think I'm on the other side of that little bit.

btw...got this in a note from Texas guy earlier today (no, that's not why I feel better!):
"Interestingly, I think I feel closer and better about where "we" are than ever before. And I don't even know where "we" are! But I have felt great about talking with you, sharing more, and just being a bit more stable since our time together. I've not felt so pressured for or about anything. I feel a closeness and intimacy with you that is wonderful. I don't feel the pressure to create something romantic. I'm at the point right now where some kind of romantic commitment would make me run for the hills. I'm so much less needy now that I can enjoy being with people or I can enjoy being alone. I'm not so needy and am feeling so much better, and you've contributed to that. So perhaps the pulling back that you're feeling is just us establishing some sort of homeostasis without one or the other of us clinging on to the other like we're drowning?
Anyway, you know you can always tell me what you're thinking. You have blessed me more than I have words to express."

that was good to hear. I've been well aware he doesn't feel ready for "something romantic." not with me, not with anyone just yet. that's fine. he's not running from feeling close--and that's a big step.

[Gardener]

Well, you wouldn't even know a diamond
if you held it in your hand
The things you think are precious
I can't understand
-- Steely Dan

Yes.

[Gardener]

hm,

"Interestingly, I think I feel closer and better about where "we" are than ever before. And I don't even know where "we" are! But I have felt great about talking with you, sharing more, and just being a bit more stable since our time together. I've not felt so pressured for or about anything. I feel a closeness and intimacy with you that is wonderful. I don't feel the pressure to create something romantic. I'm at the point right now where some kind of romantic commitment would make me run for the hills. I'm so much less needy now that I can enjoy being with people or I can enjoy being alone. I'm not so needy and am feeling so much better, and you've contributed to that. So perhaps the pulling back that you're feeling is just us establishing some sort of homeostasis without one or the other of us clinging on to the other like we're drowning?
Anyway, you know you can always tell me what you're thinking. You have blessed me more than I have words to express."

You've potentailly something wonderful, here.
No matter what form it takes.

I read "healthy"into all of it.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

thank you, gardener.

so I'm focusing intentionally again on healing, and reading some Schnarch and some Bowen. Working on differentiation--which I started my marriage out with, but at some point (perhaps losing babies, motherhood, other big changes) I lost it, and lost myself.

the hardest part of differentiation for me--based on FOO issues, of course--is remaining non-reactive in the face of anger or agitated anxiety from someone I'm close to. I can do it all day long pastorally; I had that "non-anxious presence" thing down. But then there was no risk to me involved. as long as I am mired in abandonment stuff and insecurity (and perhaps a bit of PTSD, altho that's fading greatly), I still have work to do. I think I've looked at that as just intrinsically "me," and it's possible that it is...but if I ever hope to get unstuck, I need to deal with it. anger and agitated anxiety feel like potential abandonment (or worse, a warning of physical violence), and I cringe and don't respond well. and xH knew that, had a big ol' Italian temper, and used it to his advantage, sometimes backing me into a corner and getting in my face (which always shut me down or left me shaking).

so--any wisdom on working with this particular demon?

[hoosiermama]

^

[hoosiermama]

D14 was telling me last night about the dinner with her aunt, uncles, cousins, and grandparents--the one where the new gf met the whole family. lots of anxiety in the "family system" with xH and gf and D14 heading into it earlier this week; I watched xH deal with his brothers (and overtly seek their approval) for 15+ years. D14 said that gf was a real hit with the brothers and their wives--they liked her a lot. however, she didn't seem to like them and there was much discussion on the way home about how they are essentially verbally abusive to xH in the guise of teasing (youngest son, enmeshed family, yada yada).

so, my point is that it stung some to hear all of this; I still miss my nieces and nephews and feel discarded by the whole family (minus his parents, who have come around unexpectedly over the past month or so). How do you share your lives for 15 years, act as godparents for each others' children, and then just cut someone off like that? while I wonder what he told them, I know that if it was me I would have at least reached out with a note or something no matter what xH said, especially once he showed up with the weirdo OW (the previous gf). I suppose they're rather relieved that he's with the current one, as she's much more "normal," but I still recall his oldest brother whispering in my ear right after our wedding, "welcome, sister."

well, this too shall pass; interesting that it's taking me longer to grieve the loss of extended family than it has to grieve xH and our marriage.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You know Hooooozh, I STILL wonder what he told all of them . . .

Pup

[hoosiermama]

You know Hooooozh, I STILL wonder what he told all of them . . .

Pup

me too. . . .

[NoCodeBlues]

You can be sure it was nothing favorable to you, HM. I seriously doubt if it was neutral or even-handed, but even if it were, the in-laws are more likely to side with him and distance themselves anyway, blood being thicker than water. They're stuck with your ex no matter what; not so a former spouse.

And despite however many years and however close the R might have been, in most former in-laws' eyes that's about all we amount to in the end: just the former spouse. Persona Non Grata.

Kind of makes the circle of betrayal seem all the more complete, don't it?

But it's a sign of the times, the diminishment in status we once gave Honor, Integrity, Loyalty and (most of all) Family. Can't blame the ignorant, cowards that they are, for going along with the crowd. Pitiful lemmings running off the cliff and all the while never understanding why the earth has disappeared from beneath their very feet.

HM, it's their loss. Believe me. While they have appeased the folly of their brother, it has come with a price: They have diminished their own family. It's sad they may never understand the error. They are missing out on knowing and enjoying the company of a very special person, and the mother of their niece. A lady who graces us here in these forums and for which we are all the more blessed.

[BeingMe]

What NCB says. Definitely they lost out, but more importantly, D14 lost out having both parents involved with the family. By ditching you, they essentially cut off part of who she is. They didn't have to go this route. There was no drama in the D, so I don't know what their problem was unless he told them something really bad, but then they should at least give you the benefit of defending yourself.

But, blood is thicker ....