The year of not my problem

[AJM]

CTH, I'm not sure I follow?
I can't say that I no longer care completely. That would be untrue. I care less than I ever did, but I don't completely not care. I wish her well. I honestly do. I can see this is not a journey I would want to take in that fashion. I did anyway. I hated it. Every moment of it. But I look back and see the beauty of it and how it has given me a chance to grow in ways I didn't imagine at the time. This has not been a bad thing for me.
I am often like a cat - I fall, but I land on my feet. I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am simply me.

Journaling:
Nothing new to report really. Daughter is acting up more, but I expect that will continue as she moves more back to being a normal teen. I look forward to that. I want her to have a chance to be a teen. I get the feeling she is progressing well on that path. Son is doing same.
What's next for me? Who knows? I'm just taking it one day at a time. I realize there will be more ups and downs. More like swells on the ocean now. Trying to give back to friends that have helped me and even those that haven't. I have more to give now and feel I can do that.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had a very nice conversation with a lady friend last night. She is going through some tough times while she tries to figure out what to do next. Her husband is an addict. She loves him deeply but doesn't trust him. Trust is very important to her.

I was glad for the chance to help and encourage her to work it out and get him help. They love each other very much but there is also a lot of anger. I can relate to some of it because of my past experiences, but then some of it I cannot. I hope I was able to help as I've been helped.

Nothing else really to report. I feel a little bit of a funk coming on. No good reason but I'm guessing things are just catching up to me a little. That's ok. I need to face these things and clear the decks for my own sanity.

Wife is working to move out by the end of the month. That should help and yet cause issues at the same time. The house isn't likely to sell any time soon in this market, but I won't worry about that. It will happen when it's time and not before. I know that.

I was reflecting earlier today and that may be why I am in a funk. I was thinking that I have learned a great deal. I'm on more solid ground now but still not quite fully myself. But I've learned that patience is the right answer no matter what. I learned that I really did love her that deeply. I know that I do not any longer, although I still care. My feelings are still changing, but much more slowly than before. Things are slowing down in that way. I care that she is ok, but I don't feel like I have to watch her or take care of her any longer. I don't feel possessive although it would probably hurt the first time I saw her with somebody else. Not sure what else there is to do to move on, but I'm actively looking inwards at myself to see what else needs to change. That's the reflectiveness.

Still, life is good. I'm really enjoying things I do and my kids although I am not spending enough time with them. I'm working that part out.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling: Was in a reflective mood for the past few days. I feel like I'm coming out of that. Moving on.
Earlier in the week STBX sent me a revised edition of the sep agreement and in it, changed much of what we had discussed. She was acting "weird" but I've come to expect that. She was also pushing me to get a lawyer sooner rather than later. I see no reason to work on her schedule. At all. I already know I cannot agree to the sep as written. She seemed to think it was the same as we had discussed and I had to ask if she even read it. Go figure. I realize this is her MLC, but can't help and I know it. I know I can't be treated this way no matter the reason.
I barely feel anything towards her any longer. I had anger. I had loathing. I still do sometimes, but mostly it's just not much of an emotion towards her other than annoyance. And defensiveness because I know I have to defend against some of this.
Still saddens me sometimes to see this formerly wonderful person do these things. I realize it's something she is going to do and likely has to do, but I also realize I do not know her. She is a stranger and I have to treat her as such. The sadness comes from her reminding me of somebody I used to know.

Big weekend planned with the kids. Should be fun. They are spending time with their mom tomorrow which I still see as a good thing for the kids. I'm glad I didn't just burn everything to the ground when the chance was there. I'm very glad for their sake. Hers as well. It's who I am and while many friends tell me to take action against her etc, I don't feel that is the right thing to do for me. I do not hate her. I sometimes feel sorry for her, and I get angry when she mistreats the kids, but that doesn't seem abnormal to me.

I've changed as well. I've grown quite a bit and I can feel myself growing again. I think that's part of why the reflectiveness.

Happy Fourth of July!
AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Weekend was great! Had a really good time with the kids. Fourth of July fireworks with the kids and friends. Took daughter driving yesterday and mall'd around a bit. Took son to the movies with this friends. Went running last night with friends. All in all, very relaxing and very nice weekend.
Spoke to an old friend yesterday. He pointed out that wife's entitlement has been going on for close to six years and to be careful because of the manipulation. He's right and I hate that he is. I realize there is nothing I can do about it, but I also realize it won't stop for quite some time. Years. I'm so tired of the junk she keeps throwing at me and the attempts to control me and yet walk away without any responsibility. To that end, when she changed the sep agreement we had worked out, I decided I'll shop around for a different lawyer. A friend suggested I get a woman lawyer which makes sense to me. I don't want things to be ugly, but I cannot give anything else.

As I mentioned before, it saddens me to see this previously wonderful person be so vindictive and manipulative, seething with anger and entitlement. It's way off the scales with how far she takes it. I realize that while I'm not perfect, I've done nothing to deserve what she is doing and that helps. I knew a while back I couldn't go back and have nothing left to give. I've extended myself beyond what I could offer before and now that she changed the sep agreement from what we had, I see it as time to fix that.

Daughter started to open up to me this weekend about what's going on. I see that as a good thing and I hope she does more. She has had several bouts of anger (fury?) and also some times where she can talk more openly about what's going on. She seems to sense that she can talk to me about it more and is already making plans as to how she will handle things. I hope that continues. I also hope that son will eventually start to open up as well. He hasn't really spoken about it at all except to talk about wife's new friends.

Another old friend that went to the beach with her confided in me (I didn't ask) that she really wasn't happy about the time spent. Said it wasn't the same and that wife was just texting like a teen the whole time and really wasn't "present". I feel sorry for the friend although she also sees what is happening.

Waiting for a call from the new lawyer to setup a consult. I realized that the legal aspects are such a small part of this and it doesn't really mean much to me. But I also realize that it is important to make sure things are done equitably and that I set a good example to the kids. And that I fight for the kids rights in this. Don't have to get ugly about it, but it does need to be done and I hope the new lawyers can help me do that.

Still causes some sadness from time to time. Mostly I don't think about it much any more.

AJ

[Thinker]

. I realized that the legal aspects are such a small part of this and it doesn't really mean much to me.

Hi AJ,

It is important to get the legal aspects done right and to get the agreement documented in a manner and level of detail that is specific and enforceable.

With your stbx's level of entitlement and habit of changing agreements to suit her needs, a detailed, specific and firm agreement is the only way you will be able to detach and move on with rebuilding your life.

[Mila]

Hi AJ, I haven't been posting much, but I do follow along. Just wanted to comment on the kids. My D would not talk about it in any depth either, just has these comments every time her dad does something hurtful or insensitive....like "that's retarded"... teen vocabulary lol.

And when I would say "you must be looking forward to spending time with dad" she would say "Whatever, I don't really care". Not sure if it's for my benefit, or if the anger is brewing under the surface.

I guess every child is different....OW's H told me that his older boy (14) is openly angry with his mother.

Just watch them and if you feel that they are not coping in a healthy manner please get them some help. They may not talk to us but they will open up to others.

Take care

[AJM]

Thanks guys. I am aware of the legal and kid issues. I'm just not at a place (yet) where I can see the clear way forward. The legal aspects are becoming clear so long as they don't hurt the kids. For the kids, I'm paying very close attention and will be talking to the counselor this month as soon as I can get the next appt. I appreciate the feedback.

Journaling:
text from stbx this morning. She is starting to move the remainder of the bills to my name only. Taking herself off the bills. That's progress and it's nice to see her act happy and act like she cares about the kids. I say "act" because I really cannot tell. But I sense that there is a shallowness there and that there is the sep "high" going on. Just the same, it'll be nice to remember the woman that reminds of me of somebody I once loved as a happy person. Strangely it brings a little peace.

Waiting for that call back from the new lawyer's office. Would like to get things moving in some respects, but in others I see that things will happen when they happen. I have the time and have many other things to get done anyway. I need to start making a list I think so I can get the bank accounts etc. I don't know if stbx is expecting the bank accounts to be shut down or not, but I hope she is.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Not much to report really. Tired. Need to sleep more, but the social life is really getting in the way

Daughter was having more issues last night. Son as well. Seems they are really irritated. I see that as a good thing and mostly normal. Need to let them get it out and for the most part I am. They are also testing to see where I am in all of this. We're having more conversations about things and that seems to help. I suspect my daughter is angry thinking that I am letting her mom walk all over me but is smart enough to see that she may not see everything. She's a smart kid. She doesn't see it all and doesn't see where I am heading with this. Or why I did what I did.
I can honestly look back and say I was honest with what I did and why I did it. I have no regrets and I know that I tried everything I could to make things work. I needed to do that for me, for my stbx, and for my kids.
Still waiting for the call back from the lawyer. Followed up but expecting to hear back today or tomorrow.
Not much else to report really. Just waiting until the consult and will continue to separate bills and banks accounts.

AJ

[AJM]

My favorite quote today comes from another member:
"Our past is just how we got here."

Nice reminder. A nice reminder how we sometimes, even when things are painful and we feel like we are being done wrong, are reminded that God comes into our lives and shows us that we can forgive. That we can move on. That we can face our darkest fears and biggest hurts. And that we can still be free to be ourselves and continue to stand on our own feet.

It is also a reminder that who we are is not defined by our past. It is defined in the present and we still have the future to continue to reach our potential.

I love the people and things we find in this community.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Sometimes in the quiet moments the ghosts come back to haunt. I know it's because of the changes that are going on. But I feel them less. I allowed myself to feel everything. I still do. But I recognize that I have a way to go still. I don't believe the answer is just time. I think there is more to it than that. I think that part of GAL'ng is to actively seek to retrain ourselves. Cognitive Dissonance is part of that as well. Working on me is something that includes much of that. Good thing I like me
What really sparked my interest in journaling was the realization of the sequence of events. i realize my wife is having a MLC of sorts. Perhaps more complicated than that. But I can look back and see the fracture. I looked back and realized I described it as being "as if she has had an emotional stroke". I see now it is very similar to that indeed.
Love is a choice. In this case the fracture occurred and then there was a rebuilding. During that rebuilding, she chose not to love. The rebuilding is still going on. The mourning of the marriage is still going on. I am to some degree as well. I see that. But then I also see that I am and have changed very much in even the last few months. I am changing constantly.
I am not angry. I am not really saddened. I am thinking about the situation more than I should. It prevents me from living my life. Almost obsessive. For that reason I'm going to take a break from the boards for a while. Time to more aggressively retrain my brain. Focus on me and the the kids and the things that need my immediate attention. And only those things.

I'll be back....

AJ