I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[gatsby11]

I know, first birthday! Yay, S! And yay you for making cupcakes and your own frosting.

I really like the first point especially from your therapist.

[awest1217]

1)AT THIS POINT, even if I was able to talk stbxh into dropping the divorce, and doing something to get him to decide to come back, it wouldn't be in my best interest because HE didn't come back on his own...he is unstable enough to be easily swayed to go back to OW and give me a false reconciliation. My IC put it like this: if he is able to divorce me while feeling major doubts and is uncertain, then that shows me he is not emotionally secure (at this time or maybe never) to handle R at this point. Made sense!!!!![/color]My H actually did this to me, and it hurt a lot so you don't want to go there. If he does come back or continue the compliments, make sure you "date" again.[color:#000099]

2)If I were to let stbxh know that "who knows, if we are both available in the future, maybe we could reconcile" then that wouldn't be a good idea. He would think "newmama will always be there." It behooves me emotionally (for myself) and strategically to not let him know. Continue letting my actions speak for themselves....I am actually detaching and it is helping me.

3)he said that something major like a BIG BLOW UP or an explosion in their relationship could happen and it is plausible that it could cause stbxh to come to his senses. But we can't predict when and how so it's best for me to just move forward with detaching.

4)when I said I was worried about not being able to love stbxh again, he said the feeling of love is the "romantic love" that goes away in 3-4 years. He said that after that, love is am action, a commitment, an intuitive act, a choice, a comforting feeling...so we can love if we want to. (take THAT, WASs!)[/color] I read a good book about this. It is about all the different types of love and how they are all needed in a marriage, but during difficult times it is the agupe love that is a love where you choose to love someone, and that love is the love the loves beyond everything. I have chosen like you to love H no matter what (for me, my H's health has dramatically declined since the separation, and he was healthy when he left), but although he is not himself at all and has hurt me numerous times...I still love him[color:#000099]

5)when I said maybe I was wrong about my judgment of character and that scares me....he said part of picking a mate is just luck. He said people really do change and they are unpredictable.[/color]I love hearing this because this is where I am at. Although my H was doing all of this the entire time we were dating, I just didn't want to hear it, but it is good to know that they do change and sometimes you can't help it. This really is good to know[color:#000099]


6)he told me people who come through divorce and are resilient are able to take it as "an opportunity to grow and change" and use the time to improve themselves. (Sound familiar? Thanks MWD!!)

7)I asked him about handling S' first birthday tomorrow. (OMG this exact time last year I was in my hospital gown, waiting for the foley bulb and pitocin!)Well he told me that I can always say "in the future, I would like to acknowledge S' birthday together, but this year it is too raw. I hope you understand."
But he said ultimately to follow my gut.[/color] With my H, it was S's 2nd b-day and I uninvited H because he wasn't giving any financial support for 4 months and wasn't seeing H so I said he doesn't deserve to celebrate with S, but we did go out to eat on S's actual birthday just the three of us.[color:#000099]

8)He did warn me that stepfamilies always have problems. It's hard. It's stressful (not every minute!). He wasn't sugar coating it. (but it made me feel good thinking that stbxh and OW will have problems, even though they aren't married right now)[/color]I come from a step family and unless he and OW are going through counseling to learn how to step parent, it won't work. Part of the reason I am leary on getting remarried because step is really really hard and I don't want that for me or S. It is good news for you because it is probably a point of constant contention between them although you don't know it.[color:#000099]

You are doing great and I am excited to see how things turn out. It seems like H might be coming around slowly and possibly dragging his feet on getting the D finalized so there is a sliver of hope, but I think you detaching and moving on is good because that could be what is drawing H closer, and if not then you are in a better place.

[newmama]

Thanks Gatsby and Piano! He was born at...9 something! crap I forgot! I have it in his baby book.

Well Awest, I am not reading into stbxh's behavior as meaning anything. Thanks to other people's threads, I see that many exes just want us to hold on or hang on. Selfish!! I am amused mainly! I don't see how he is stalling on the D either. In 8 days I think we go to the next level.

[WhatNow]

I am amused mainly!

Humor is GOOD!


I also wanted to point out something I noticed a few days ago. You had said that baby daddy has been been asking questions about your activities lately. I remember a few months ago you were using that as a barometer, and he would not ask you a thing! He was just giving you "looks". Why is he asking now about what you are doing? Hmmmm.

Happy Birthday Baby!

[newmama]

Good point, WN. Hmmm.Now what's for lunch? lol

So I came back from S' appointment. I forgot a snack for S and they didn't have anything good at the coffee stand (last time they had bananas!) so I called stbxh to ask if he could pick up a snack or a banana on his way. (we both go to the dr. appts)He did.

I brought the cupcake,thinking maybe we could give it to S after the appointment, in the car (???) or something and sing him Happy Birthday. Stbxh said "won't that be messy?" I said yeah, but it's his birthday. He said "he could eat it at home."
So I choked up but swallowed it back and said " I was hoping we could acknowledge his birthday together!"
He said "well yeah, but could we do it at the house when I come to pick him up?" Like "of course we would!"

I didn't think of that- I forgot he was picking him up tonight!
So I said "oh, okay, sure!"

When the nurse greeted us, she asked "How was your guys' 4th?" "Do you guys have A/C for the heat wave?" I got choked up and didn't answer!!! Stbxh answered "pretty good!" "yeah..."

During the appointment there were lots of q's about his eating, sleep, play, etc. I kept saying 'he does that with me, does he do it with you?' to point out that we are divorced and to make stbxh stop answering q's with "we give him cereal, we talk to him a lot, we play ball with him" etc. He needs to say "I,"
damn it!

Well I guess I am getting choked up because he was born a year ago, and I had hope back then and was praying to God that we would be together by the time he was one. It makes sense that I am a little emotional today.

I was talking to my friend about the therapist session and told her that I hope stbxh is man enough to step in if OW got rough with S or if her daughter did. I said I didn't have reason to think she would, but I just don't know what I can say about stbxh considering his messed up emotional state....are his reasoning skills out the window?

To my surprise, my friend said "Oh, stbxh would stand up for S! He has proven to be pretty reliable and involved in his life." The same friend who normally rips him apart! I hope she is right.

[courageous wife]

Happy Birthday little guy!!!

[Mystik]

Happy Birthday to your DS!

Your therapist had some very good points. I may need to use some of his advice to you.

[newmama]

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I did give him the cupcake when stbxh came to pick him up. So we sang Happy Birthday, and then S poked the cupcake and stared at it, haha!
So I cheated and tore a piece and put it in his mouth, he sort of liked it but just wouldn't play with the cupcake! So I took some of the frosting and smeared it on his face and started taking pictures. Usually, stbxh takes a bunch of pics but he didn't. So I asked him if he wanted to and he used his new iphone to do it. It dawned on me that maybe he wasn't going to take pictures because he was going to do it over at his place with OW! Maybe they are having a little birthday party for him and it really hurts!!!! WE made him, I grew him, I gave birth to him...I shouldn't have to share him with this bitch!

I told stbxh about my plans to get S' pics taken next week with my friend's photographer. He was surprised that I was getting them done. ???

Mystik, I am glad if my IC's advice could help you or anyone, because when I read others' posts about their counseling sessions, I learn from them too!

[ImprovedRomeo]

NM, just briefly...first off Happy B.day to the little guy! he's lucky to have you for a mom!

Second, don't waste your cycles trying to mind read your H. For all you know he wasn't taking pics because he was feeling guilty. Or the witch said something to him or something going on at work etc. It could be anything really. Even if he's planning to do it all over again at his place with the witch and she's acting all lovey dubby...it's all fake. It'll all come unravling sooner than later. Don't worry about it...you're the real mom and no one can take that away from you!

Hang in there and take care of yourself and DS!

[newmama]

Just got back from my first custody class. Am trading working out for a couple of magazines (one is a gossip mag), some of my cowboy salsa and maybe I will make some bean dip, and 2 glasses of red wine. That's all--won't be getting crazy or anything.

So the first 15 minutes were excruciating because we all sat in silence in this big room, in rows of 10. There were around 50 parents, mostly in their 30s and maybe 10 kids. Next time I will bring a book or something! I looked around and noticed that there were several attractive single dads... I actually thought, haha, maybe I will meet someone here!

Something kind of funny and disturbing is that this woman sitting 2 rows ahead had half her butt hanging out...her very white, wrinkly, very large derriere...Say No to Crack!

Well then when we got started, they divided us into 2 groups. We had to introduce ourselves and say when we were separated, and describe the custody situation among some other stuff. Some added an extra detail like "My wife filed" or "we live together still and I don't recommend it." A few people were separated for several years, but most were within the last 6 months. There were several with 2 year olds, and one with 15 month old twins who had been separated since the day she found out she was pregnant, but the dad has been involved somewhat. We didn't say if we were married or not because this class is not just for people dissolving a marriage. Oh, one dad had a 12 month old and he was letting the mom have full custody but he had been around quite a bit. ???

Then we read depressing stuff about effects of divorce on kids but then "reassuring" stuff about how they tend to adjust after a couple of years if the co-parenting goes well. Basic stuff like don't bad mouth the other parent, don't pump your kids for information about the other parent, be pleasant and businesslike in front of them when you do the exchange...

When we were asked to raise our hands to indicate where we were with the acceptance of divorce (like still raw, accepting, totally moved on)only 2 of us said it was still raw! Most people were in the middle.

And something I learned was that it is out of style to call your ex-spouse "my ex." Instead, say "S' father." It is due to the connotation that "ex" has. Hmmm.

We also read that when the father is not involved in a child's life, it tends to cause girls to think every man will leave them (when dating) and it causes boys to have difficulty with commitment, moving from romance to romance. (I paraphrased)BUT I ASKED "can a replacement father offset this damage?" And they said yes, a strong male role model like a grandfather or an older cousin, etc. can actually help the kids to be resilient.
They gave a list of all the ways involved fathers help kids be well adjusted and develop into secure adults.

Stbxh is going to feel so good about himself because he will take this class and say "see? S will be fine! I am being a great dad and even though I treated his mom like crap, he will be ok. Phew! No guilt!"

So we get to meet 3 other times. Yippee.

Tomorrow I get to take S hiking along gorgeous trails of waterfalls! So he will be delighted since he loves "the sprayer" in the shower and he loves water, period.