I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[Babydoll]

Hey NM, glad to see you are doing well with the detachment! I like the "people = OW". you handled yourself well.

So glad I found you on FB! You are beautiful... your S is too!

keep up the good work... and stay strong!

[newmama]

Been busy GALing! I'm trying not to spend as much time on here but still check in on others' threads!

Gabbysmom- don't worry, I will be careful and R is the furthest thing from my mind while I am getting a D so I don't care to explain what I would do. But I would be smart.

Am about to go to a BBQ at a friend's house...I saw her in December and S was just 5 months!

Hopefully I can stop in at a bookstore and get the Sandcastles book that FM recommends....along with a coffee! Long nights these days.

FM- sorry I thought the book you were referring to was different than this one because you said you were reading a book about coparenting. So I figured it was a different book.

Something amusing was today, stbxh texted to see if he could switch a night with me. BUt I have tickets to a concert so I couldn't...so I texted him that and added "I have plans every Saturday night in July." He just replied "ok!" I ALMOST texted a suggestion that his sister could watch him but stopped because it is his night, his problem.

[flowmom]

"I have plans every Saturday night in July."

You rock newmama

I'm glad you've been GAL.

I think you should follow your own mind and heart when it comes to dating etc. But it doesn't get said often enough here that a connection with a new man and being appreciated for the person who you are now can be a balm to the soul, especially if you are very picky and insist on a situation that is emotionally secure. Of course there are risks, and only you can judge if you are prepared for the potential negative outcomes.

(((Hugs)))

[newmama]

Ok got the Sandcastles book. Thorough, but depressing. I mean they are just stating the facts...

I guess I feel good about the fact that I am doing 90% of what they recommend for co-parenting. The things I need to work on are allowing the lingering--YES, when stbxh lingers before and after an exchange of S, it helps S to transition between us.

The other thing is that the author suggests that for a child's birthday, if the child wishes it, then we should do our best to be together for some or all of it, but leave the boyfriends/girlfriends at home.

"More prevalent than drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, or the death of a parent, divorce is the most common problem facing kids today.Only 40% of those born in mid 1980's can expect to grow up in a home with both biological parents present, a trend the U.S. Census Bureau predicts will continue into the next century."

"Compared to children from maritally intact homes, children of divorce have higher rates of depression, sexual acting out, substance abuse, conduct disorders, problems with school, and delinquent behavior.Statistically, they are more likely to marry earlier and divorce than children from "intact" families."

but, like we have heard, they said that children who grow up in high conflict but intact families grow up with more problems than those from low conflict,divorced families.

So, to avoid being too bitter, I will think of how I can help S avoid all of those depressing problems....an intervention, if you will, would be to have a pleasant co-parenting relationship.

"We are not shaped so much by our actual experiences as how we are taught to respond to them."



(all of these quotes are from the Sandcastles book)

[courageous wife]

Nm! Awesome...plans every Sat night in July!

Was reading what you posted about the sandcastles book and co-parenting and children's birthday's. I truly did think about inviting H to join us for cake today but he had already had cake with D12 earlier...I had even thought about asking him to go in on a gift with me for her birthday but didn't. It just didn't feel right...

I should probably read the book...

[newmama]

[quote] But it doesn't get said often enough here that a connection with a new man and being appreciated for the person who you are now can be a balm to the soul, especially if you are very picky and insist on a situation that is emotionally secure. Of course there are risks, and only you can judge if you are prepared for the potential negative outcomes.[/quote]

You know what? I AGREE! I was thinking about the fact that most people seem so cautious about dating post divorce and it is seen as a scary, negative thing.
Is it because they are scared of getting their hearts broken again? Or hurting another? Ok, am playing devils' advocate here: Isn't that always the risk with dating?

And I don't care if I am whole all by myself or that I don't NEED another person to make me happy. Eventually, I WANT another person and 2 wholes are better than one! And hell, being a single parent is HARD. Can I do it? yes. But I don't have to do it alone so WHY??? Meaning when I am ready, I will be looking to for my next husband. Because I don't HAVE to live alone, raise S alone, no I do not.

But the idea of dating right now is totally suffocating and makes me afraid of messing up a good thing anyway. So I think I can trust myself for knowing when it is right.

[newmama]

CW-
Yes, the book is worth it. Tough stuff though. But I think it will be a good reference. I mean, I can see myself grabbing it to read advice about how to deal with a sitch as S gets older.

Ok off to check on your thread and others!!!

[newmama]

oops forgot to add, that OBVIOUSLY the fact that I am so upset with my parents for divorcing is making it harder for me to accept my own divorce.

[xin]

But the idea of dating right now is totally suffocating and makes me afraid of messing up a good thing anyway.

NMM,

I feel the same way, I think it's going to take me a while to trust a man again. But if we continue to GAL, we are doing something for ourselves, and also giving ourselves plenty of opportunities to meet someone. Two birds with one stone.

[xin]

oops forgot to add, that OBVIOUSLY the fact that I am so upset with my parents for divorcing is making it harder for me to accept my own divorce.

NMM,

My parents are not divorced, but it's not easy for me to accept my impending divorce.

And my H comes from a family with no divorces, but this will be his 2nd divorce.