The thing is June, you are assuming that the spouse is being honest...
Internet porn use often leads to online affairs... it happens all the time.. and THAT road is NOT something he's going to SHARE with you, he's giong to keep that a secret and you will be played for a fool.. its all over this forum...
The porn would be fine if it didn't prove to lead elsewhere or to unhealthy places, but porn use often escalates, it doesn't just stay with porn... THAT is the risk, and its not one that is good for a marriage
Porn use is fine, but its the potential secrets and lies that follow that become a problem.. and what's behind those lies is even worse...
It's much like your H going to a singles bar with a buddy who is single.. you may say you are fine with it.. but its a dangerous thing to sign off on there...
Healhty marriages have spoues who respect SAFETY ZONES of a marriage, much like driving a vehicle.. those who drive their marriages wrecklessly and just rely on "trust" find their marriages end up very soon in a ditch
Trustworthy people behave in a trustworthy fashion that includes the safety of their marriage and observing the importance of preserving that safety...
Use of porn is an act of marital wrecklessness... a ticking time bomb
Allen, I totally see your point. My hubby could be viewing it in secret again I have no idea he hid is so well. I would guess not though. His actions show otherwise and he feels that he must not allow any porn or it's a slippery slope that will suck him in...
I will tell you this much though- being rejected and not having my needs met for years and not knowing the real reason why (well there is more to it of course) hurt like hell.
The only reason I found out about the porn is that our computer got infected with these porn adds that kept popping up like crazy and my husband sheepishly admitted that he was viewing it and keeping it a secret from me.... He felt humiliated that our yong son would want to play a game and porn would pop up.
Back to Laura though- I have no idea how she should handle this... besides maybe setting a boundary of no changes on his end then she leaves. I mean what else can she do? Maybe you will have some wise words...
If I had known I would have handled things differently.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Your H can go to an internet cafe and consume porn or to a freinds place who doens't care...
Your HOME may be free of it, but you want your marriage free of it too...
It CAN improve sex life in some marriages, but it can also RUIN it... my advice is to not roll the dice hoping porn will improve things there.. find a healthier tool to use to get your marriage where you want it to be... Porn is not a solution to sexual dissatisfactoin in marriage
May I jump in here and ask a question? When my emotions were still so raw from my WAW experience, I was against exposing A's. I used the example of the H addicted to porn and asked if a W should expose her H. I was curious to know what Allen's thoughts were about this.
Don't know if I'm making myself clear. But if people think porn is a form of cheating (or all the other issues that's been mentioned)......then should he be exposed like a WAS is exposed?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Porn is not nearly as serious a threat to the marriage...
Porn can cause a lot of tension and upset, but its not nearly as bad as an actual third party deliberately trying to derail your marital train...
It also depends on how bad the addiction is. If the H is going out to strip clubs with rowdy men and spending 1000 bucks a month on internet video's and phone sex then yes, I would say its time to ask some of his family to step in.
If its something much milder a private confrontation first is likely in order to determine if he IS willing to see a therapist about this and curb the behaviuor.
It's also harder to reverse expose porn use. With infidleity its a LOT easier to SELL "I'm in love and getting a divorce" than it is to sell "I'm hanging out on the internet at all hours of the night consuming porn and i enjoy it"
Part of the exposure tactic is to "cut the spouse off at the pass" so to speak since with infidelity the truth will come out eventually that you are pursuing someone.. Most cheaters will spread the news with their spin on it like above... If the WS exposes this first in a more painful light the WS' efforts to bring the truth out are foiled. The porn addict does not ever need to reveal what he's doing unlike the infidelity addict.
The other reason for exposing is to bring the family and friends into the marriage to support that marriage... much like a wedding when the community is invited to celebrate when things are well, when things are bad I too believe that bringing a smiliar group to gether to HOLD the marriage UP and keep it on both feet is essential. Hopefully the same people that were there to eat your wedding cake and dance to celebrate the good times will be willign to hop in and roll up their sleeves during the bad times too... if they aren't... Well you know who shouldn't have been invited to the wedding...
Different addictions are worse than others, and each addition has varying degrees of severity...
The biggest bonus to porn addiction is the fact that it is publically understood as a problem and is generally taboo - no one wants to admit they consume it regularly...
if Infidelity had this stigma it would be a much easier nut to crack
Well I know when I was dealing with exposure that it seemed very unfair to hang me out for everyone to know what I'd been doing.....but nobody has to know about my H's dirty little secrets? That part is to stay private? There's not a third party involved?
Somehow it just didn't seem quite balanced in all fairness. I do see what you are saying....and I'm not fighting it.....but it is a hard pill to swallow when you know people have been informed about "you" but brother would they be shocked to know what dear old dad was doing!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But understand this... exposure isnt' done because you want to do it... I advocate doing what needs done to get the family as a whole to a healthier place... I don't advocate more than I think is needed...
With infidelity given the painful circumstances, the explicit and very real threat to the marriage (I've never seen anyone run off to marry a magazine cover), tougher measures are endorsed...
They aren't pleasant... And believe me if keeping the whole mess secret could be done while saving a marriage from infidelity I say go for it... but Experience on this forum alone shoudl show you how addictive infidelity is and how hard to break its hold on the WS...
I reccomend a sledge hammer when its needed... And with infidelity you usually have to bring out the biggest hammers you have...
I would endorse the same for alcohol abuse as well in most cases... and I wish to god when I was a kid someone had exposed my mother and her family and gotten to her... To this day I refuse to drink a single drop of alcohol
I am NOT saying no to exposure with porn addiction.. I am saying
If it has gotten to the point where that is neccessary, then we do what we must to improve the health of the family
Bear in mind as well that exposing also embarasses both spouses... I have seen very few people who want to reveal to their friends and family that their spouse is mounting someone else in secret... It's not something anyone enjoys sharing from what I've seen...
Its humiliating and for men especially it is immasculating... Women may experience something similar. Having no vigina, I can't comment... lol
My husband's interest in porn was our slippery slope. It started out with magazines in high school and college. (he later told me he first found his dad's magazines around 8th grade)
Then it was strippers and phone sex lines in college, along with magazines...at first I didn't know about the phone lines, didn't find the credit card bills till we got married after college and merged household files...However I knew about the stippers, tried to be a 'guys girl' and even went with him and his frat brothers a time or two. I thought the whole thing was silly...little did I know!
Then after marriage, he worked in the meat industry. Very Old Boys Network. Almost every customer that came to town for a visit wanted dinner followed by strip club. So, he took them. Again at the time I didn't care because we had a great sex life at home and I didn't consider it cheating...again, I even went a few times with him and some people from work (mostly guys but a gal or two) because the boss was buying drinks! So I fed into his habit without realizing it.
Well ultimately he confessed that on a business trip to Tokyo 3 years into our marriage, he took a stripper back to his hotel room. The beginning of the end. See, the magazines, phone lines, and strippers stopped being enough. He needed more stimulation, kind of like an alcoholic needs more booze over time to create the same effect...
After that he promised no more porn. Then he'd go on a business trip, I'd find a receipt, he was busted, he'd apologize. More than once this happened...then I found a credit card bill for a sex line. When confronted he wanted to die, he said, he was so ashamed. Out to the dumpster went the hidden pile of magazines and vhs tapes I hadn't known were there...
Fast forward 9 years. We are now divorced, two affairs (that I know of)later. He dropped a suitcase at my house last summer while he was living with his parents, meaning to do laundry. I found magazines and dvds in the suitcase...then just two weeks ago we were at my son's baseball game. He handed me his digital camera to take pictures. I was browsing through pictures of my daughter's recent birthday (he said I could) and found, further back in the camera files, some explicit nakes photos of my H. Or rather, his genitals. So the cycle continues...
My pastor said it is an addiction, that porn is a virus that can infect a man, infect a marriage. It doesn't get better and go away on its own...
porn is like a gateway drug. The "soft" stuff gets boring, so they have to keep getting "edgy-er" and upping the game. It becomes addictive and destructive. My H is supposedly recovering and abstaining from it, but I have found things he has been checking out online. Some really sick stuff too. He has gone on to EA's/PA's and all kinds of other "paid for" activities outside of marriage.
As for your boys, I would try to emphasize the point that it is not realistic and is disrespectful to women. My H's mom thought there was nothing wrong with it -actually considered him a "healthy" male because of it. ick.
The beginning of the end. See, the magazines, phone lines, and strippers stopped being enough. He needed more stimulation, kind of like an alcoholic needs more booze over time to create the same effect...