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#2027426 - 06/26/10 10:05 AM Is Porn addiction like cheating?
LauraOh Offline
Member

Registered: 04/01/10
Posts: 519
Forgive me if this has been brought up many times here--I have been aware that my H uses porn, and we have always had what I thought was a sex-starved marriage (10 times a year or less).

I am not *against* porn, per se, if the R is otherwise healthy.

I have had a C that said it is cheating, and then I have had a few friens that say it's not. I like the "hard hitting" approach that goes on over here (that is why I'm asking here, and not in the SS forum--they have a different approach that I have tried now for about 5 years.lol. It ain't working!)

My H has become increasingly disrespectful, and as of now, it's been 5 months since he's even touched me. A 180 for me is to stop being a doormat and create some sort of boundary.

Would you approach porn like cheating?

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#2027503 - 06/26/10 01:04 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: LauraOh]
SunnyD Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1141
Originally Posted By: LauraOh
Forgive me if this has been brought up many times here--I have been aware that my H uses porn, and we have always had what I thought was a sex-starved marriage (10 times a year or less).

I am not *against* porn, per se, if the R is otherwise healthy.

I have had a C that said it is cheating, and then I have had a few friens that say it's not. I like the "hard hitting" approach that goes on over here (that is why I'm asking here, and not in the SS forum--they have a different approach that I have tried now for about 5 years.lol. It ain't working!)

My H has become increasingly disrespectful, and as of now, it's been 5 months since he's even touched me. A 180 for me is to stop being a doormat and create some sort of boundary.

Would you approach porn like cheating?



Not sure if I am the best person to answer since I've only been around a short while compared to some of the experts here... but, I would to some degree, yes, given your H's behavior towards you!

Anything that is negatively affecting your R has to be addressed and cut out like cancer - the sooner the better. Don't wait until things worsen before you take action.

People having varying opinions on porn, I know. Some people find it acceptable, others don't. I was brought up in a religious home and I still have a hard time with rated R movies these days much less anything harder. (Having said that, I'm no prude in the bedroom where I feel anything goes between a H and W.)

Definitely stop being a doormat! Definitely set some boundaries and tell your H you feel this porn stuff has become an addiction/is negatively affecting your M/is unacceptable. Not knowing your SS background, maybe this porn stuff is a coping mechanism for H. BUT... it doesn't matter - it's still going outside your M to fix the problem rather than addressing it within the M.
_________________________
Me(44) H (41)
M - 20 yrs
D (19)
S (16)
S (14)
Bomb 4/29(ILYBNILWY)
Found EA 6/15
FT: 8x me. H once
New Beg. wknd 7/30
Discovered EA turned PA 10/9
H moved out 10/15
Now:Reconnecting!

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#2027624 - 06/26/10 08:20 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: SunnyD]
Allen A Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 5782
LauraOh

1. If this behaviour makes you at all uncomfortable then its unhealthy to the marriage
2. If your H is doing something in secret that is unhealthy to the marriage its cheating yes...

To use Phil McGraw's words :

If your H wouldn't do it in front of you, its cheating.

-----------------

Questions :

1. Have you TOLD your H you want him to stop consuming porn?
2. Has your husband done this with your knowledge or is he doing it in secret and keeping it from you?


Note : Porn is NOT generally healthy for a marriage, it often leads to internet sex, online affairs, and eventually a physical affair...

It's the mildest step on a dangerous road...

He should stop it if it makes you at all uncomfortable.

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#2027636 - 06/26/10 08:49 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: Allen A]
Allen A Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 5782
The thing is Laura there are a few variables here

1. Porn addiction - this may be the source of his disrespect
2. Porn use contaminating the marriage
3. Your passive support of the porn use

The question isn't if its cheating Laura, the question is

a. Is this good or bad for the marriage?
b. If it is bad, is your husband willing to do the work necessary to change the behaviour?

I normally will tell people outright it will do more harm than good.

I have heard a few arguments about porn being healthy for a marriage, but most of the data is leaning towards it being a parasite at best...

1. How long has he been using porn?
2. Did you ask him to stop and what was his reaction?
3. How much pressure has been put on him to stop?

The other concern I have here when it is at a 5 month point is that porn use often leads to internet affairs and you don't want that to happen trust me.. Been there


Edited by Allen A (06/26/10 08:51 PM)

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#2027639 - 06/26/10 08:53 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: Allen A]
silverado Offline
Member

Registered: 08/10/08
Posts: 168
Laura,

My H "cheated" on me with porn. I considered it cheating, because he sure as he11 wasn't doing it with me. It is also addictive.

Speaking of Dr. Phil, go to his website and enter the word porn in the 'search' box to see what he has to say. He doesn't sugar-coat it one bit.

-silverado

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#2027640 - 06/26/10 08:55 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: silverado]
Allen A Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 5782
Silver, yes, I support McGraw 100%

The thing is, if you approach a consumer of porn, particularly an addict with the view that he's "cheating" it is not going to get the results intended.

Villifying your spouse for cheating before educating them is just going to drive them further away and underground... It's not going to end the addiction.

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#2027941 - 06/27/10 02:39 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: Allen A]
june72 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 821
Hi Laura
I have absolutely no issues with porn and could care less if my hubby watched it. I think it did affect things in the marriage though. He was keeping it a secret, I really wouldn't care BUT- sex consisted of quickies and my needs were not being met. I made this known loud and clear that I need to enjoy the act too. I would have hissy fits, cry, rages etc. things would improve then slide back to the way they were. I would withhold sex stating there has to be mutual enjoyment and after a few weeks cave b/c I was feeling like a bad wife withholding and also I was dying for sex at that point. He always won the standoffs. Thing is- he was content to use porn instead of me. He stated that with porn you could be with as many woman as you want to be. Makes absolutely no sense to me but I guess for men porn can replace the real thing.....
Anyhow, he also was finding me really unattractive and was comparing me to the porn stars I think- I mean he thought 135 was too fat. And as soon as I got pregnant I could tell he was not happy with the added weight and the weight I gained after. Anyhow, things are good again and he has choosen to stop watching porn. He feels it can be "addictive"- his words not mine.

I still have no issues with porn- I just had no idea he was so secretive about it and if it REPLACES me then there is going to be a problem.

I really suggest you read up on all of Onthemountaintops early thread. Goes into length about porn issues. I posted more of my story there.

I thought I was fine about the past but yesterday I read yout post and I admit ugly tears of hurt can up. I felt rejected for so long. So many d@mn years. I was thinking that I didn't want to end the marriage (didn't want to hurt the kids) but maybe cheating was an option since my emotional needs and sexual needs were not being met and whenever I voiced my concerns it would be quite a fight. A big atomic blowout.

Anyhow- if porn is satisfying HIS sexual needs instead of you than- yeah, that is one hell of a problem and one that must be fixed or a dealbreaker in my book.

I had no idea how much porn my hubby was viewing since he hid it all.


Edited by june72 (06/27/10 02:39 PM)
_________________________
M38, H37
S3, S7
Together 15 yrs
Married 8 yrs
Bomb July 2008
Inhouse separation
"I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count)
Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)

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#2027946 - 06/27/10 02:41 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: june72]
Allen A Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/07
Posts: 5782
June, the question sin't how do you FEEL about him using porn, the question is "is this safe to use for a married man?"

In most cases porn leads to addiction, to internet affairs, and then to physical affairs

while the porn may not upset you, it is NOT healthy for the marital home in most cases...

You are asking the wrong question here.. how you FEEL about it isn't the issue, its "is porn safe for a marriage"

In most cases the data is suggesting a resounding NO

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#2027949 - 06/27/10 02:48 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: june72]
june72 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 821
My hubby makes huge efforts in the bedroom now, makes huges efforts to be a great husband. I too make huge efforts to try and be the best wife I can be. Thing is though- he is out of chances. He becomes a jerk again doing all the things he did to me I am out the door to the lawyer and he knows this. I have been very clear about it. If I suddenly get mean and nutty and refuse to change my behavior I expect the same from him.
I do not think that being marriage means you put up with cr@p. I mean you tolerate things for a while and try to guide the person to a better path and voice your concerns. But if the pattern will not budge then....
Sorry think I am basically venting...
_________________________
M38, H37
S3, S7
Together 15 yrs
Married 8 yrs
Bomb July 2008
Inhouse separation
"I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count)
Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)

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#2027955 - 06/27/10 02:52 PM Re: Is Porn addiction like cheating? [Re: june72]
june72 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/09
Posts: 821
Allen, I guess I was very naive b/c I thought porn was totally harmless. I was unaware that it could affect the marriage unless the husband got totally into it.

I just had no idea that my hubby was so into it since he hid it so well... I thought he just was rejecting my needs period b/c he was not into me anymore.

I don't know how I am going to tackle the porn issue with my two boys some day. I think it's ok to look at occasionally but too much....

I am for the most part very liberal about sexuality and stuff....
_________________________
M38, H37
S3, S7
Together 15 yrs
Married 8 yrs
Bomb July 2008
Inhouse separation
"I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count)
Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)

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