I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

CG, it was nice of you to neatly pack his stuff. Did you pick neon labels because it would stand out to OW?? haha!

I forgot to tell you that it must be hard to deal with the anniversary every year! But maybe it won't hurt so much when you are with a great guy one day.

[BobbiJo]

When we were leaving Kansas City and moving to Iowa, we were still separated (before we got back together and then he left again) Since I was packing everything anyway, I split everything up then. I printed labels for all the boxes on full-size 8.5x11 paper. Dan's were labeled in blue and mine in hot pink, "Dan's Kitchen Stuff", "Bobbi's Bathroom Stuff", etc. His family helped us unpack and a coworker of his, too, who didn't know we were separated. I think he was surprised when he saw how I labeled things!

[newmama]

Oh-- forgot to mention something--the sitch that my friend, C, told me about where her mom found the letter from an OW written to her dad...

turns out it was a joke! Seriously. When she told me I thought "yeah right...what a sorry lie!" but then she explained how her mom confronted him. She handed him the letter. Her dad was like "ok...what is this?" She tells him to read it and explain himself. He gets a few lines into it and then bursts out laughing. He said that it was from an old buddy of his who is just a prankster...her mom knew the guy. He explained that he kept the letter because it was his buddy's way of giving him his new address. So her mom believes him.

My friend told me that her mom decided NOT to tell him about the ONS she had with the family friend, but that her dad reiterated to her mom that he only had the 3 ONS back in the day.

And the messed up thing- I am relieved for her folks, seriously, but when I heard it was a joke, I wanted to BAWL! to CRY! How many times have you heard the betrayed spouses say "Please God,please tell me I am dreaming and this is not really happening." And in this case, it DIDN'T happen! It WASN'T real!

sigh.

[newmama]

Oh-when I explained to another friend of mine that this weeking I was holing myself up, blasting my ipod and dealing with stbxh's stuff, she said it sounded like in the movies.

She pictured me crying when I looked at some stuff, laughing as I looked at other stuff and remembered good times, throwing his stuff around, swearing and shouting, shaking my hands up at the sky "WHyyyyyy??", drinking a pitcher of margaritas by myself and dancing....lmao! Really! It helped me laugh! And I said to her, good idea- I should make a pitcher of margaritas.

But the really sweet thing is that she offered to come and help. I said "THANK YOU BUT I need to do this alone."

[BobbiJo]

Oh yes, cue the cliched movie montage. That also means at some point you pile his letters in a garbage can in your living room and burn them. Then the fire gets too big and you must douse it with the pitcher of margaritas...

OK I know it won't be fun at all it's just that your decription gave me a funny visual.

[gatsby11]

It is sad, NM. You're doing an AWESOME job. You're very strong.

[newmama]

haha! burning the letters and cards! And what about the ring? Flush it down the toilet? I am not seriously asking- just adding to the cliche movie montage. Yes, it gave me a funny visual too and I might even think of it when I am dealing with the crap tomorrow.

So I am prioritizing my goals that I borrowed (and tweaked) from Geronimo because I had some of the same needs. Plan for tomorrow is to get my affirmations written down from the inspiration of my goals:

1) Be steady. Develop resilience. Stay calm. Cope with the bad moments.

2)Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior. (SOOOOO DIFFICULT!)

3)- Building a relationship with XH as co-parents – what the hell does a coparenting relationship look like, where one parent lives with a trampy --- dumpster and the other is a bitter old maid? (joking! kinda! I am not an old maid! the rest was true!.)

seriously- figure out boundaries and then discuss with stbxh. it's like laying down the rules.

something annoying- why does stbxh have to be soooo nice? Why not do some displacement of blame or be pissy with me once in awhile?

4) Building a satisfying life for myself with my new identity as single mom – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, the "unfairness" or the jealousy. To be complete without a husband or "lover." For this to no longer be what my life is about.

[Piano]

I like your goals, NM. I know you are a bit ahead of me, but I am not in a dissimilar place...
Good luck with the packing. Just look at his stuff as that; just "stuff" and don't allow yourself to dwell on the memories. I think if you make it too meaningful, you will start to feel pretty low.
You don't need to feel low again to accept what it happening to you, IMHO. You can chose to be brave and say positive things for yourself even when you are doing the job. Courage!

[newmama]

Thanks Piano- you are right- JUST DO IT. Meaning not to stop and reflect too much when I take down the pics or see the cards or the momentos from our dates and the items we picked for our house.

I can cry afterward. I wonder what stbxh will do when he sees his stuff waiting for him tomorrow?

[Mystik]

Wishing you strength for today, Newmama.