I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Mila posted this in Marked&Healed's thread in MLC:

Maybe we had to separate to give us both time to find/re-find ourselves and to learn from this experience and get ready for the next chapter of our lives. Be it together or separate. I still feel that we will be together...eventually....but I'm not waiting for it....I'm living my life and I will let God surprise me.

In the mean time I will treat H with compassion and try to understand that he is only human and that he is also in pain and struggling and making mistakes but that he is doing his best and can't do any better while in MLC.

WOW, this is EXACTLY how I am feeling and am thinking it will be what helps me to finally accept the divorce and the fact he is moving in with OW "officially."

Frankly, if God has another plan, so be it. But I am not opposed to reuniting in the future if we are both single and he is truly remorseful and willing to heal himself.

And if me thinking this is due to "shock/disbelief" or "bargaining" who cares? It is comforting me now and I know I won't be stuck forever!

[Babydoll]

Maybe we had to separate to give us both time to find/re-find ourselves and to learn from this experience and get ready for the next chapter of our lives. Be it together or separate. I still feel that we will be together...eventually....but I'm not waiting for it....I'm living my life and I will let God surprise me.

I feel the same exact way most of the time. Im starting to believe this is God's plan for me. Told H that, he sounded a bit sad and hurt... but i do.

[newmama]

BD I don't get why that would make your H sad! It gives him an "out" kind of...like go ahead and do your thing. We'll be together in the end!

Well I just finished working out and watched 2/3 of Julie and Julia. It's funny bc it's the 3rd time I've seen it yet I have a different perspective now.

Of course it inspires me to cook! (for who again?) but now I am looking at Julia Child as inspiration for marrying a terrific man later in life who adores her and supports her. And she started her career later as well! And she wasn't afraid of looking foolish or making mistakes either.

And Julie looks so self centered to me, who took her loving and devoted husband for granted. Of course he "walks away" for a bit because of it and they reunite in the end. But I see how she discounts his opinions and puts herself first.

Also on Memorial Day weekend I watched "When Harry met Sally" (one of my all time favorites...used to be) and found it to be so obnoxious! I guess what bugged me was how uncomplicated their lives were. Sure they met and married each other after divorce and being friends first...ideal. BUt no kids. lol! I am jaded right now!

ok off to shower and watch The Daily Show... a fun way to catch up on the news!

[WhatNow]

Re your grief work FWIW:

A great book that I am using is "Rebuilding when your relationship ends" Bruce Fisher

Issues we have are broken down into 19 building blocks. Each one is discussed and you are to determine if you have issues with it or not. Helpful 'assignments' are given, things to think about. The blocks start with denial, fear, guilt, etc and work up to openess, love, trust, etc. I guess I am finding it a good way to examine my marriage, change what didn't work for me, what held me back, what I want in future, and so on....

[Piano]

The Cainer horoscopes are amazing...thanks for the recommendation, Red!

Is this Jonathan Cainer? I'm not one for horoscopes and things like that..but guess what, I read them religiously!

[newmama]

Thanks for the recc, Whatnow. I WILL check it out when I feel like preparing for dating! I definitely need a manual for relationships!

For now I just want a break from reading self help/ relationship stuff other than the grief article I googled, lol!

I guess I am going to need to explain to stbxh that I am in pain and would appreciate the bare minimum when it comes to talking. I could use some help phrasing it...ideas?

You see again, last night in the parking lot he starts off "I've had such an incredibly hard, long day..." and I used to ask about it but of course I am not going to do that now! @$$hole! And he wants to be all nice and jokey with me. Give me my space!

I just said "we weren't waiting long." He tries to make other conversation about S. I say "he's doing fine. Ok see you tomorrow."

Then this morning, I take the overnight bag from him so he can't walk over to the laundry room and put the clothes there (I don't know why but he has always done this--he doesn't need to take the clothes out! wth?). When I take the bag he made that noise he does when he is uncomfortable. Next, he lights up and tells me his new cell phone is arriving today and he used the address at the house, but I need to sign for it. I quickly ask
"now when are you moving again?" because change your flippin address already! He sees I am not interested in talking about his phone and am not that pleased about needing to sign for it. I say "I should be here." then "Ok, bye."

So my point is he wants me as a friend. He doesn't have too many other than OW and he cut off his friends once he started his A. I strangely feel a little bad for him but luckily my mental health isn't that messed up where I am giving him my friendship while he is divorcing me. No more DBing, only self preservation at this time. So I can feel a little bad but not enough to sacrifice my needs.

Maybe I can just email him. I wish I didn't have to say anything. Is his "EQ" truly so low that he DOESN'T GET the magnitude of what he is doing to me? How can he be so dense? I am just baffled.

[newmama]

I wonder if I should ask stbxh to come to a counseling session to discuss co-parenting. For some reason I feel like having someone "facilitate" a discussion between us.

[bright_new_day]

I wonder if I should ask stbxh to come to a counseling session to discuss co-parenting. For some reason I feel like having someone "facilitate" a discussion between us.

I think it is agood idea. Will he agree?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

NM,

My STBEX who is the WAW told me that her IC gave her a name of someone for co-parenting. It was agreed when W left that we would treat and discipline the kids the same way no matter where they stayed.
During our "meeting" she brought that up again and I said we already discussed that. I don't think it would be beneficial for my situation, b/c I know I am a great father and parent to my kids.

It's almost like me suggesting to W that we go to MC and W saying I don't need someone to tell me the way I feel.

If she wants to go then I won't stop her, but I feel(and AM) handling the situation just fine with the kids.

PS, Thanks for taking the time the other week to post in my thread. I get the appaissal back tonight!

[newmama]

Thanks for both of your replies! First, I think stbxh would be open to meeting with a counselor because he was last year.
Second, I guess if I ask him, I should clarify what I mean so he doesn't get the wrong impression and think I am criticizing his parenting! Thanks for pointing that out, gr8!

Here is what I mean: agreement for what we talk about, how the interactions go....and I don't even know what I mean right now. It's like agreeing we will contact the other if A happens. When we exchange S, we will inform the other of B and C.

I don't know. I am just rambling. Still looking for a thread where the spouses are co-parenting and being civil to each other. I keep seeing where the exwife is being demanding and unreasonable or the exH abandons his kids and barely shows up... so maybe it is unrealistic to think people can share a kid 50% each and be civil after divorce.