I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[Seeing Red]

Hey NewMama,

Visiting in your new digs!

You must be a phenomenal, well-loved teacher. You've been on this forum less than a week and already have 8 pages of posts from a dozen people. Your guy may have flipped out and gone AWOL, but everyone else loves you just fine!

Just been reading Snodderly's link. Thanks for posting it, but yikes! This is exactly what I've been learning from Larry's course. Who knew there were so many messed up people walking around? Scary!

I've watched two women go through divorce close up, both because of OW. I remember wondering why they just didn't snap out of it and get on with their lives.

Now I get it!

You need time to grieve, time to adjust.

So take all the time you need and don't listen to anyone who hasn't been through this, as well-intentioned as they may be.

It was like I thought I knew all about how to handle children...until I had one!

Opt for the voice of experience. Take your time, set your own pace.

[newmama]

Seeing Red, you are so sweet! I am going to take some time to study other's threads in this forum because I think it will help me see "where" I am going.

The Cainer horoscopes are amazing...thanks for the recommendation, Red! So funny because when I woke up today, I thought "my goal is to achieve indifference...I want to feel nothing...I want to pretend that there is no stbxh and only S and I...." and here is the horoscope for today! (Pisces)

"You have to put something down before you can pick something up. If you are somehow filling a 'gap' with some less than satisfactory substitute, you may never get a chance to replace it with the real thing. Sometimes, it's better to have the right kind of nothing than the wrong kind of something. Let the Solstice Comet act as your reminder to create a suitable space in your life and prove the old adage that, 'nature abhors a vacuum.' As soon as there's an absence, something positive will come rushing in to fill the void."

[Seeing Red]

Cainer is AMAZINGLY accurate, isn't he? It's weird - I'm not much of an astrology person, but after I bought my profile and have found a number of coincidences, I keep the printout handy.

One of the ones that made me LOL was something about a "difficult situation that began in March will be resolved by August 26th." That would be my harrassment trial instigated by OW having me arrested. It was scheduled for August 12th, but I thought, "Close enough." Last week, I got a note from the court that it had been rescheduled for August 26th. Now that's just FREAKY!

Off to take kids to library. Back later!

[newmama]

KerryK lives in OR! So do I! Ok who else????

[WhatNow]

I ordered a profile too! Some of it is kinda confusing, but it is so fun! Thanks Red!

Been busy running DS13 to doctors. I'll fill in on my thread.

Glad you are trying to keep your PMA. Some days it is too easy to fall into victimhood! I had one of those days Sunday...yuk...

[Seeing Red]

I ordered a profile too! Some of it is kinda confusing, but it is so fun! Thanks Red!

You're welcome! What I like best is that it's POSITIVE. I won't stake my life on it of course, but it's nice to hear stuff like, "A troubling time is coming to an end" and "Strong Venus means your love life is about to take off." Would that it were true!

Glad you are trying to keep your PMA. Some days it is too easy to fall into victimhood! I had one of those days Sunday...yuk...

Sorry to hear Sunday was so rough for you! Holidays are always bad...

I have bad days, too, but working with Larry has improved my outlook SO much. He had me think back to times when I felt powerful and in control of my life, and he had me write those down as well as "love movies" of WH's finest moments. I revisit those any time I'm glum and it really helps.

What's more, it's confusing the HELL out of WH, who keeps hitting me with the same kind of pot shots that would have sent me to bed with a glass of wine 2 months ago but seem to bounce off me like I'm made of teflon now. He, he, he.

Will visit you on your thread to learn about your son. Hope all's okay...

[Gardener]

cw,

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

I am not good at posting links but try this Gardener

Thanks. That did the trick.

[newmama]

The Seven Stages of Grief for Divorce
Many sudden and unwanted changes in life can cause grief. A divorce can be sudden or the result of a longer procession of feelings during a marriage in which some or all of the stages of grief are experienced before the divorce. In either case, experience with the seven stages of grief can aid in coping with the more hurtful aspects of a divorce.

Shock or Disbelief
The initial realization that a marriage is or might be beyond any hope of saving will affect individual members of a family differently. Some may be emotionally stunned, unable to form or express strong feelings about the divorce or any other aspects of their life. Others may refuse to believe it, insisting instead that the process of divorce is simply a prolonged dispute. This stage may be brief, or may last several weeks, according to the Launching New Lives website.


Denial
Following disbelief, a family member may actively deny or literally forget that the divorce is taking place. According to Anger Management Resources, this is an unconscious attempt by the mind to protect an individual from the pain of loss. A spouse may make new, repeated attempts at romancing their partner in an unconscious attempt to prove that the threat of divorce is not serious. Children may observe brief moments of amicability as signs that the divorce was never real. Some may even tune out unhealthy behavior, focusing only on the relationship's positive aspects as signs that divorce is not a serious consideration.

Anger
Any member of a family that is affected by divorce may feel personally affronted and blame others. Anger is a common response when faced with significant decisions in which a person has little or no perceived input and will have a potentially negative effect. These circumstances often generate feelings of helplessness, which can fuel an individual's anger.

Bargaining
An individual will attempt to make a deal to change the situation. In general situations involving grief, this stage often involves a bargain with God. Bargaining is not a prevalent stage in all occurrences of grief, but is listed on Stages-of-Grief-Recovery.com as a common stage in divorce. While divorce-related grief can involve an appeal to a higher power, bargaining is often prevalent in promises by one spouse to change the behavior and habits, or by children changing their behavior in hopes that the parents will reward them by staying together.

Guilt
The Springboard Group lists guilt on the Launching New Lives website as a feeling that one did not do enough to prevent a loss. During this stage, affected individuals begin to examine ways in which the divorce is directly attributable to their actions. Children may blame stress caused by their behavior or performance at school. A spouse may recall ways in which they could have made their partner happier, avoided arguments or made greater contributions to the marriage and the family. Stages-of-Grief-Recovery.com notes that this stage is often accompanied by the unattainable wish to turn back the clock and do things differently, fueled by the griever's sense of regret and self-blame.

Depression
The state of chronic, debilitating sadness is a common and natural reaction to loss. This stage of grief can manifest most notably in teenagers affected by their parents' divorce, as the physical and hormonal changes they experience during puberty leave them more susceptible to depression than adults. Depression can also manifest as a constant state of reflection on times when the marriage was happier and divorce was not imminent, according to the Springboard Group.

Acceptance and Hope
Coming to terms with the reality of a divorce will bring the affected family members to a realization that their lives have been changed in significant, unalterable ways and that things will never be the same again, but that life will go on and they have hope of finding happiness in other ways.



Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/129455-seven-stages-grief-divorce/#ixzz0rdPn9JKh

[newmama]

Good ol' livestrong. I searched for "accepting divorce" and one link was just so "harsh!" It was from about.com and said something like "the divorce is a reality. deal with it! the sooner you face it and accept it, the sooner you will heal." lol!

Then I found 5 stages of grief. Yet it didn't quite do it for me. Well. "steps to accepting divorce" yielded the article from livestrong.com. I found it interesting that guilt a step and yesterday I posted how I recognized the things I did wrong.

I do appreciate the fact that we are "allowed" to spend as much time as we need going through this process and that others can't talk us into or force us to get through it faster. Luckily for me, I know I don't want to stay suspended in grief but do want to give myself permission to stay in each stage (they say they are not consecutive) for as long as I need.

Now another thing I feel guilty about is the fact that I was not with my stbxh for very long--how dare I suffer so much when others have been married 10-20+ years and endured a divorce?!

It kind of think that my order was: (from 3/10*-5/10)
*my stbxh initially said he made a decision to divorce on 3/26 but expressed doubt; a few days later I told him that I could see his mind wasn't made up and tried to sell him on reconciliation while also telling him that if he decided to D, I would move on. But on 4/28 it still shocked me when he said he wanted to.

bargaining, hope/denial, anger, shock, depression, anger, hope/denial, shock, guilt

the next huge hurdle is acceptance. I would like to take a break and experience "white noise" or "nothingness" or "numb" before I deal with acceptance.

Tonight after I dropped off S, I went and sat at the bar at a local pub, ordered a yummy microbrew (2) and some pizza. I purposely did not bring anything to distract me. I counted glasses, eavesdropped on conversations, and tried to think of anything else but my impending divorce. When my pizza arrived, the older gent next to me struck up a conversation. At the end he said "nice talking to you!" and it just felt good.

I used to do the same thing once a week before I was married, but worked on a crossword.

[newmama]

Oh yeah and 2006 pinot noirs are terrible! SO SOUR! 2007 not that great either. But the 2005s are super yummy and the 2008s aren't bad.

the 2005s have tasted delicious every year since 2005~