The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Thank you Mila. I've been in limbo for a very long time, looking back. It sucks, but you know what? I have grown so very much, I can't say I am sorry to have been there. I'm not sure the growth I've experienced in that time would have occurred as quickly had I not been under this pressure.

Journaling:
Huh. Two different female friends I spoke to this week related similar stories to me about what a WAW/MLC'r was doing to their husbands. It clicked for me this morning about just how angry and spiteful mine has been and the lengths she has gone to in order to justify her behavior wrt to other men and lifestyle. I realized some of that early on, but the connections come when they come I've found. The further I step back the more I see. The more I get the perspective I have been after for so long.
That brings me peace strangely enough. I accept that the marriage is over. I see that. I am feeling it more and more and I think I need her to be out of the house to take that next step. She made her decisions and I am going to live with them but on my own terms.
I see now that my decision to try and make the marriage work was absolutely the right decision. I needed to know I did what I could without holding back or being distracted. I guess a part of me was revisiting that part of the past few years. Just making sure I did everything I could. I realize I did more than that and that is why I was so empty. That's the "why" I craved for so long. I see that now as well. I didn't crave a "why" she is doing what she is doing. I thought I did. I craved a "why" am I doing what I'm doing. I did of course wonder why she was doing what she was doing, but the reality of it is that I can only accept or not accept what she does. I cannot change it, so knowing "why" doesn't help to fix anything. I used to think it did.
This has become a fascinating journey. A lot of beauty as I stand back and look around and let go. As I say my final goodbyes. I am in awe. I am reminded that He will make all things work to His good, but how it gets there is incredibly fascinating to me as stand back and see it.

I am no longer feeling intense sadness or anger. I received the papers the other day and I barely noticed. She texted me this morning and I barely could care. Just business. I like it that way. Feel very peaceful and like this is the way I am meant to do things. That I did things the right way and will not have regrets about it even later. That I did the right thing for the kids and for her as well.

Peace to you and yours,

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had my teeth worked on today by stbx. She's a third year dental student. Does good work. She will be a great dentist to be sure. But I was talking to a friend last night and brought up that whenever she gets around me she starts humming a song. Like a nervous tic. I'm concerned that I may have to be concerned for my own protection. I don't know this person she has become. At all. I can't trust her and since we still have to live together I know I need to pay attention to my protective instincts. I'm wondering how much I should be concerned. For now I'll let it go, but will have to continue to consider if it's a threat. I also noticed she was very inquisitive of my prescription history today. Should be innocuous, but it wasn't. Again, my suspicious instinct is kicking in and telling me she was looking for something in there. I suspect she thinks I'm on anti-depressants. I'm not. I had them prescribed, but never could take them. They don't do good things for me...
Anyway, looking forward to getting some sleep and enjoying the weekend. Have a big weekend planned and then father's day. Should be good.

Peace to you and yours,
AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
So far, stbx has been civil. That's still helpful, but as you can tell from my post, I am not in a trusting position. In the past, when she did things at my expense, she has done this as well. I have not yet taken the latest revision of the sep agrmnt to the lawyer and returned it to her. Just haven't had time.
I'm working hard at detaching. I've also been reading up on divorce and the toll it can take as well as the process. I see many things differently now. She has been actively divorcing me for quite some time. Ever since she returned from California there has been little to no change other than guilt/anger on her part. I see that now, much more clearly. All of the strange behavior has fit fairly well into the process map. Still is really. What I also realize is that there was nothing I could have done differently. I'm glad I did the things I did. It never has been about me really. I know that sounds to the readers here like I'm denying. I'm not. Believe me I've searched for my own issues to see what they are. I've found a few and corrected those to be a way I can live with. This seems more about a power struggle at some level. I have felt that for a long time, that she wants to control me and then wanted me to be her father figure as well. I've journaled about it in the past.
Water under the bridge. I journal it to get my thoughts out, but I realize there is no going back. That there is no way to change her mind and now not to change mine. I won't say never, because I've learned to not do that, but I see that the marriage is dead. Ironically, I know that's the point at which things can be different. They won't be at her insistence. Mine now as well because that's the choice I have. I am learning to accept it and working diligently to detach. Part of detaching is letting go and letting her succeed or fail based on her own choices. It's just as I do that my brain makes connections that before weren't possible for me to do. For whatever reason.
I realize I'm heartbroken. I was devastated. I was angry. I was hurt. To some degree, I still am many of those things, but nearly as much as before. Progress? Or quiet before the storm? Time will help me figure that out as well.

Detaching seems the key and the way out of this way of life for me. I'm enjoying the time I have to me. I look back and realize I wasn't always able to be myself. I didn't have a partner the whole time. I had an adversary that wanted to control me. I won't be controlled like that. In some regards, she has done me a favor and I suspect I'll look back on this as one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can see that possibility now because if it wasn't her, it may have been me at a later time. I've grown and learned so very much since I became aware of this. I still have no idea what it was she wasn't getting in her relationship, but I realize that's not because I didn't ask or try. I have only to let her go at this point and to psychologically divorce her to go with the physical aspect of the divorce. I am well on my way to that and I feel like I am at a critical juncture of that process. The marriage is dead, I am moving on, and I am still making connections in my head about the past.
We did have a lot of great years together. Right up until the summer before her nephew died when she started pulling away. She may have seen it differently. I don't know the answer to that and may never understand what happened from her perspective. It will have to be that way.
Detaching is not easy. For those that read this later, part of detaching is to let go and let the WAS/MLC'r/? feel the consequences of their decisions. To let them go and let them make their own way. It's a growing up time, and for ourselves can also be. I am glad I am growing. It has been and to some degree continues to be a painful experience, but as the old saying goes, growth is painful. Truth is, pain fuels growth but the effect is the same
Happy Father's day to all out there. While the result of divorce doesn't seem necessary, I do wish my stbx all the best in her new life and I wish her continued success and happiness. I hope she finds it sooner than she expects to find it.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Ah. The past. Always nice to have it crop up when you don't want it to.
Spoke to old running buddy. He really is in a lot of pain. He really does have the best of intentions. But he can hurt me if I'm not careful. I see that.
Know what though? I need to go through that. I need that last of of the pain to be exorcised. To be felt and then exorcised for good. He pointed out some inappropriate behaviors stbx had shown in the past and his part in trying to stop her. I believe him actually. Whether I should or not, I choose to.

These are her choices - not his. Now that the marriage is over, I expect that these things have to be gone over to be felt for the finality of it. And truthfully, it helps because it helps me to remember that I have to look out for my best interests.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
I see that I was right about facing the running buddy and the things he can say that may hurt. I really do need to face the truth as part of moving on. I think I've avoided hearing some of the truth in the past and it's time to face it if it comes up. I'll meet with him on Wed. He's a bit scatter brained right now due to his own personal issues, but it's a good idea for me to see him now. I can help nudge him through this a bit, but I also need some of the information he has to finish clearing all of the garbage out.
Sometimes it sux to be right, but I feel this is the right thing to do.
Nothing much else to report. Had a great time with friends last night. I realize how important friends are to me and how much I didn't allow myself to have them while we were married. I really do enjoy people and my friends. I love crowds the most. I missed that and I see an opportunity to do more of that now.

Life really is good. I missed that for a while when I was not focused on the good things in life.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
The running buddy didn't make it. I figured that might happen. He is a flake, but I suspect there's a little more to it than that. That's ok, I need to clean this part of my garbage out. Not sure why, but I feel like it's time.
My daughter is starting to show her anger. I take that to indicate two things: She is noticing my changes and she feels safe to start expressing her anger and frustration. I know that's a good thing, but it is hard to see. I have to trust that it will be ok and I've also started reaching out to find help dealing with it. My son has not yet started to really act out his frustration and anger, but I think he doesn't yet know the full impact. Daughter sees it a bit more readily.

Life is truly good to me. The possibilities are opening up faster and faster. I suspect they have been there all along, but I have been buried in such a way I could not see them. That fog is lifting/lifted. It is still painful, but becoming less painful and more positive.

Still, there is a small part of me that wishes for the 11th hour save. I know that won't happen. I don't know that I really want it to as much as I like a happy ending. The happy ending in this case is going to be me writing it. I like that. Just part of the letting go and acceptance phase I think. Having to live in the same house is really putting a slowdown on the process I think. Causes a lot of confusion for the kids. Can't be helped.

STBX - I do notice things. It's my nature and since we live in the same house I do notice things. I notice she is keeping her distance and tends to hum when around me. I suspect I know now what that is about - I think it's like a child that is trying to block out thoughts by covering their ears and humming to themselves. She does the same when around me. It's weird, but it is what it is. I notice she is drinking more - I have to watch that because I cannot let her put the kids in danger. She also is noticing that I've changed. I had to ask myself have I changed or not. I have. When I think about her I have a hard time feeling like I care about her. I suspect I do a little still but more like I care for any of God's critters - I don't want to see bad things happen to her, but I don't really care much either way. Seems a little odd, but I don't have much in the way of feelings towards her any longer. When I look inside, they are just gone.
Anger is what I need to some degree. To be able to deal with the legal issues. But I don't even have that. Just nothing but some fond memories and the knowledge that the person living in my house and taking advantage of me looks like somebody I used to know. Reminds me of a past, deep love.

AJ

[Thinker]

... fond memories and the knowledge that the person living in my house and taking advantage of me looks like somebody I used to know. Reminds me of a past, deep love.

Amen!

and now, like me, it's time to just focus on getting this person (who is living in your house and taking advantage of you) out of your house and your life in the most reasonable and practical way permissible within the law and the constraints of your situation.

[AJM]

Thanks Thinker. Really, I don't feel the need to do much with her right now. My guess is that she will take that next step even if I do nothing. I can't think of anything that can really be done that is to my kid's advantage nor to my detriment, so I see no reason to really do much right now. I do have to get a lawyer arranged, but I don't feel like that has to be immediate. I suspect I'll have to have one by next month, because I think she'll try to move out. That sets in motion a bunch of legal things I'll need to be concerned about, but even then I'm not terribly concerned. There really and honestly is not much more she can do to hurt me short of physical or to do something to the kids. I really am at that point where I feel lazy towards this situation. There is nothing to do to change it, and I've come this far. I see no benefit in fighting back to beat her down. She plays enough stuff in her head about me that I can honestly do nothing and she'll still think I did from what I have seen. I don't know. I don't talk to her really. I say hello but that's about it and only if I have to. I don't feel the need to do anything else.

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm not concerned and totally at peace with myself. I'm concerned about my kids but I realize I can only control my actions and that's what I intend to do. Everything else is inconsequential and pretty much burned away. Finances will be as best they can but it will be a big hit. I don't care about money anyway, so that's not a big deal. The house has to be sold - that's a done deal. Everything else is just material and can be rebuilt or repurchased over time. I want new memories anyway, so most of the household goods I take will likely be sold anyway to finance the new things I need/want after the move and subsequent divorce.

It was the emotional connection I hung onto. The love I had for her. I've had to consciously let that go over the past years and especially the past months since I agreed to not fight her on the divorce.

It haunted me for a long time when the MC told me that I'll be done and she'll make up her mind then. I think the follow on conversation was around how she won't remember it as her walking away. She'll protect herself and those thoughts will be buried deeply and walled off most likely. I think that's the case. I don't see her ever seeing this as something she decided to do. I think she had to protect herself and I don't fault her for that. She made her decisions regarding how to handle her feelings and that is really just that. The end. No more to it than that. Regardless of why. I see no reason to befriend her right now. Everytime I do, she tries her very best to hurt me in anyway she can. I have taken the approach of letting go so as to stop that. It went on for several years both before the bomb and after. I won't let her hurt me any longer. And to do that I cannot be friends with her. Nor do I really want to any longer. I am not a masochist.

Anyway, thanks for helping me get those thoughts out. I still do treat her cordially and well. I say used and abused, but really I allow it so it's not all her. I choose now to not allow it the mean and nasty behavior. That's all I have energy for at the moment regarding her.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
As expected, stbx gave me a (yet again) revised copy of the sep papers. Weird though - she has always been very careful of spelling etc. Really bad spelling this time.
Anyway, as expected she wants to move out by the beginning of august. Tried to put it on me "as best for all of us" I resent that. But whatever right? I've let go, and it's time to just take care of the legalities and make sure I am protected at this point. It's not lost on me that this is a MLC of some sort. But her choices are her choices. She is lost in her own world and I find that sad yet I recall that it was her choice. I recall the mean and hateful things she has done and said. I recognize that this is not the person I knew. I have to be vigilant and careful as she tries to manipulate things to try and hurt me. She will. Of that I feel certain.
I suspect she will try to battle over the kids. It's really all she has left to try and hurt me with. But for the first time I am very clear on how that has to be handled. I know that I will NOT let the kids get caught in the cross-fire. They can do what they need to do and I'll give them that room. They deserve and need some room while also having a father with is faculties about him. I will be that father. Even if I have to let them go or not fight back in some circumstances. I am not a doormat but my kids deserve their own life and for me, this is temporary while the kids grow up.
As for the conversation via email yesterday - not sure why but she made assumptions that were untrue about the monetary situation. She also made assumptions about the agreement and tried to tell me she didn't want to put more burden on me but wants me to pay things for her to move out. I said no, I would stick by my original agreement and will. But I cannot accept the changes she made. She didn't think she made any so I asked her if she read the document from her lawyer. That was the end of the conversation, but I'm sure there will be more as the month wears on.
What really surprises me is that I don't feel a lot of emotion around this. This just is. Given all the time I was so wound up, to not feel very much is a surprise. Albeit a welcome one.
I've changed some things about how I view this situation. I'm back to viewing it as her journey and now I'm just letting it go as much as and as fast as I can.
By posting here I'm sure you can tell I still think about it. But I envision a happy future without her in it. I'm less caught between the two worlds than I was and I know I have to keep my head in the reality that is to protect myself and my kids. To do less is not an option.
I don't think that by thinking about it I am not detaching. I am detaching faster and more completely as time goes on. But I do notice her curiousity and jealousy if for no other reason than it is different than previous behavior.
This was not what I wanted. But since I'm here.....

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

You talk about her journey -- I guess I no longer care about her journey. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to hear about it. I'm on my own journey.