I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[v1olin]

Newmama, I have not met Piano but I do know that the violin and the piano make beautiful music together! lol

[newmama]

CW you definitely have an MLC husband so I see why you are still in that forum! Besides, it has been 3 months since you have seen any activity from your H regarding D, right? So stay put! Unless you feel like you want to move on it and come here. Thanks so much for visiting me!

OK well I did talk/text with WH tonight. But first I was reading Geronimo's thread and he posted this (in the beginning of his thread) which resonated with me:

I suppose what I'm looking for is the ability to grow into this. Accept what is. Figure out what I need to do - and like Karen pointed out (and I'm paraphrasing) - have a clear head about my direction and be less wrapped up about my R with W. STBXW.

I mean I know WH just told me the news on Monday but this is exactly what I am trying to do - to grow into this. To make "divorced" my life. lol! I mean I know I am more than just a divorcee, but I mean to really fit into that role.

[newmama]

Now I was texting WH tonight about the wine. I felt like I should let him know that I was digging into the stash. Technically, he told me that he only wanted the love seat and roll top desk and tools. But still, I know that we had maybe $500 worth of red wine in our wine fridge and it wouldn't be right of me to just take it all.

So I asked him if he wanted any and he said he would like a couple of bottles. Then the next text was from me saying
"we can waive the 90 days you know."

he replied that he didn't know that but that he wanted me to be covered by his insurance until I went back to work (in 2 months). I reminded him that he can cover an ex wife and he said yes, for $400 extra per month. If I wanted to waive the 90 days he would do that though. So I told him no, I don't want to waste money. (Money that is wasted is taken from our S. And from OW I guess but our S is part of the equation.)

So then I asked him "is that why you didn't file for so long- because you wanted to make sure I was covered by your insurance? I am asking honestly, not being snotty."

He replied "No. Honestly I waited because I knew it would be the hardest thing I've ever done and I never was looking forward to it."

me: "you were thinking about how hard it would be for you? it had nothing to do with you not being sure?"

him: "hard for me and hard on you and yes,lots of uncertainty."

me:"Thank you for being honest. I think you probably can remember how you felt when A left you and wanted a divorce. So that is 1/2 of what I am going thru."
"did you tell your work yet?"

him: "I've told some of them. Maybe everyone knows by now by the way people talk. I don't know they don't say much at least when I'm around. There will always be some doubt in my mind whether I am making the right decision. Just to be completely honest with you."

so then I went on to let him know how I felt (not in a nasty way, just matter of fact. due to DBing rules, I NEVER got the chance to tell him this whole time! (I chose not to)).

him: "I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you badly and I truly am sorry. I know that doesn't make you feel any better."

So I said some other stuff and then he called me about half an hour later. He said it was better than us texting back and forth. I explained that I wasn't planning on telling him all of this stuff right now; it just is coming up. (truth!)

I was calm and just told him things like how ultimately I will be fine and happy with someone else but that I am so confused and hurt as to why he just didn't tell me he was unhappy and wanted to be with OW before we conceived our son or even right after. He said it wasn't cut and dry.

I said I don't regret the time we had together but it was just cut short because he wouldn't give us a chance. And other stuff. I was calm, crying sometimes, and said how I would never have another baby because I don't want S to feel like "the half son" and that I never got to experience the bonding and joy and love with him while being with our son, like I saw at the zoo today. I said it hurts so much to know he and OW probably share bonding moments over him but I just block it out of my mind and try not to think about it.

I told him that I am just saying these things not because I was trying to talk him out of anything- but because I just need him to hear it and to hear me.

Of course he had nothing to say. "I'm sorry, There is nothing I can say to help you feel better, I know."

Sure there is "you're right. how can I make it up to you? let's make this work!"

I feel better though.

[courageous wife]

NM!

You are right...I am not ready to move over here...yes, H has filed but so far no activity...we are pretty dark and it is good on my end!

Everyone goes thru a life transition every 7-10yrs. My H went thru one in 2001 when he had his first A and is now going thru another one and he is handling it the same way. He came home after the first one...not "expecting" him to do the same this time but I still have hope!

Here I am going on about me!!! YOU are going to be fine! I have know that since I started following your sitch! Don't send H the email....YOU know in your heart you will be fine... your H has to figure this out on his own!

Have a wonderful weekend NM!!!

[courageous wife]

(((NM)))

We were posting at the same time!

I don't even know that to say about you and your H's convo...you got some things said that you needed to say to help bring some closure...your H seems to be feeling some guilt and uncertainty..

[gatsby11]

Wow. If this were to happen to me, it'd be just like your situation. I'm really really glad you said what you felt.

I feel better though.

That's what matters.

[newmama]

just journaling:
stbxWH came to pick up S. I let him in, and went to wash dishes. I was still wearing my pj's. After this entry, I will work out and then get ready to go hang with some friends tonight. I have to bring myself to pack up his clothes. Maybe tomorrow. I don't want him in MY room.

Well he tried to make small talk, no mention of last night's conversation. He said "if you need me to pick up S early some time so you can get stuff done, then please feel free to call me."

Why does this piss me off? Well I just said thank you and told him he could go pick S up. He has this bad habit of hanging out. I didn't realize how clueless he was until this whole thing happened between us...seriously- if you are rejecting and inflicting pain on a person, you do NOT linger in their presence!! Leave them alone!!

I told my friend what he said last night on the phone.

My friend said "sorry newmama but he really is a selfish bad person. You were wrong about him. He is divorcing you while feeling doubt which is unfair to you, S and even to OW. Why move in with her when he has doubt about their relationship? He is just living in the moment. He really is not a good guy."

I am not messed up-I didn't date men who abused me or mistreated me. But I know WH wasn't like this when I met him and wasn't until his A. Honestly! I was feeling bad about all of my shortcomings to the marriage because he was such a good husband right up to the A. I know there are other LBWs who believe me. So I still can't believe he is no longer good. It must be inside of him still somewhere. It's just mind boggling. But I don't have to make sense of it today.

My friend said "now will this help you to accept the divorce and see you are better off without him?" arrrrggggh! enough of that crap!! I just told her that I am not going to be able to just suddenly "accept" this. It is a process and I thanked her for listening (and regretted telling her this stuff). I promised I would be in a good mood when I came over later.

How can I tell anyone that I still would want to mend things with him? But at the same time, I am starting to not see him as evil or bad but just inept. not "strong enough to be my man."

[newmama]

and another thing--I feel like I don't have the option to sit around as long as I need to "heal" before dating. I guess because if I figure if I meet a good guy before my son is like 4 or 5, it will be easier for my son to accept him. Plus, I would like to have some fun before I turn 40 (not that I doubt 40 somethings don't know how to party! But I want to make the most of my 30s first!)

[TimeHeals]

and another thing--I feel like I don't have the option to sit around as long as I need to "heal" before dating. I guess because if I figure if I meet a good guy before my son is like 4 or 5, it will be easier for my son to accept him.

Pfft. Too needy. You're going to wind up with another jerk most likely if you hold onto this sense of urgency.

[newmama]

I guess since you are 46 without kids you don't know what I am talking about!