My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

kind of a rough time today; things tend to cycle back through, don't they? D14's been at her dad's the past couple of nights, and her schedule is busy this week...running her around like crazy! and that's a good thing. but I'm lonely--just one of those times. I had a bit of a revelation: no matter how much postive movement forward we make in terms of being comfortable in our own skin, liking ourselves, growing thru the pain, and putting x's behind us in a good way, there's still a sting about being "discarded." and as little respect as I have for xH and as much as I've set myself on a healthier path than I could have been on with him...I was still thrown away with absolutely no regard by the man I loved, sacrificed for, had a child with, promised my life to. none of that was quite good enough. and there's still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever be good enough to be loved, and to be allowed to love back fully with all my heart.

what set this off? I had a class on our new phones (always something new) in a classroom right outside the door of the NICU where wiccawoman OW (now discarded herself...how ironic) works. and I walked thru the door of that hallway and felt a palpable discomfort; cold chills and the hair on the back of my neck standing up. not because I was anxious about running into her or something (we work in the same hospital)--but it was like an evil, unsettling presence there, and it occurred to me that in this hallway is where my life changed, where xH made decisions that destroyed our family, where conversations happened that ended my marriage. it was a little more real than I was comfortable with, and left me with an icky feeling.

g-man, looks like I'm gonna have to have a warm and fuzzy chat with the little one tonite and reassure her that a) that's over and done with, and b) I won't even have to go in that hallway again in the foreseeable future!

[Andabelle]

Glad you're okay!

Being in the bad voodoo place would make me feel icky, too.

[Gardener]

hm,
I'm sorry you had a bad day Tuesday and that I missed this post Tuesday which was the last time I was on.

but I'm lonely...there's still a sting about being "discarded."...I was still thrown away with absolutely no regard by the man I loved, sacrificed for, had a child with, promised my life to.

All I can say is I understand. I don't know when the deep...trauma of being discarded finally goes away.

...and there's still a part of me that wonders if I'll ever be good enough to be loved, and to be allowed to love back fully with all my heart.

You are good enough. Period. And good enough to be loved. Sometimes we don't feel that way, but we know that we are.
I, too, wonder if I will ever be able to love fully, give myself fully again.

Hope you had a good chat and are better, more centered today.

[hoosiermama]

thanks, y'all. I'm much better today, and even yesterday. just one of those nights, and it passed.

yeah, I can identify with what you expressed, gardener. what I want even more than to be loved, is to love fully and without reservation--just to say I've done it once in my life! but I'm afraid that in spite of wanting that, I'll always hold back out of fear. there was a book--"Love is Letting go of Fear" and the title has always stuck with me. I want that, I want to give that much...but this time, without losing myself in the process. I know there's a way to do that, and I hope that I've learned enough at this point in my life to find that balance.

[poet]

"but I'm lonely...there's still a sting about being "discarded."...I was still thrown away with absolutely no regard by the man I loved, sacrificed for, had a child with, promised my life to."

Hey Hooos,

You must know that feeling is not personal, that I often feel it too. But then, after a few prayers and convos with friends, we realize this is "just a feeling" and not "real" right??? We were all discarded, but the thing is...I don't really believe that "they" (our spouses) realize it; not to the extent that we realize those feelings. Not sure I'm making sense here, but trying...

What I'm trying to say is, I used to believe what H did to me was my problem, that I wasn't good enough. And in a sense, it is my problem. It was my problem. It isn't anymore, and here's why.

I can so vividly remember believing I was going to "die." Truly, I believed that. Now I know it was just a "feeling" and not real, just like I know that I AM good enough.

We (both you and me) married a man who was "broken" not able to fully love. I'm sorry, but in a sense, we both made wrong choices when we married them. We could've have had better, but we didn't "realize" it at the time.

Just know that, and you'll find true love. I'm sure of it.

((((hugs))))
love,
poet

[hoosiermama]

oh, I definitely made a wrong choice when I married him. and it wasn't like I didn't have warning signs. and never thought I deserved to be treated better. there was my mistake. and it only got worse, as relationships tend to do after marriage...if your relationship has a fatal flaw, it grows.

however, my bottom line has become: I wouldn't have my daughter if I hadn't married him, and she is worth whatever I've had to put up with. just wish she didn't also have to put up with it!

as for true love, it is only after I stop seeking it that it will find me. still, we seem to have that compulsion, don't we?!

[BeingMe]

.if your relationship has a fatal flaw, it grows.

Hmama, this is so true. I had never thought of it this way, and now I see it all. That is a very true and profound statement. And, so simple. Work on your problems prior to M ... if it don't get solved, don't get married.

Sometimes, though, we are unaware of issues, of the more serious baggage. My H hid his well. But, there always was that nagging thought that he was so unemotional, not much romance in our R. I bet your XH hid a lot.

Anyway, I am so over romance. Want no part of it. I have other things to occupy myself with.

[hoosiermama]

yes...sometimes the fatal flaws are obvious, sometimes very hidden, and sometimes we simply plow thru telling ourselves it doesn't matter that our needs aren't getting met, that there's no potential for them to get met in that relationship....that was me. tried not to have any.

he hid a lot--and he was good at it. still is, in many ways--except I no longer need to live in denial as I did for so long. but there was plenty he didn't hide, and I accepted, and kept lowering my threshold. I asked nothing...and I got nothing. and then when big, undeniable things happened when you can't pretend you don't have needs, and I was completely alone to deal with them...well, what did I expect, really? I was the one who took care of him, not the other way around.

yeah, I'm not really big on romance either. but I would like to feel loved, cherished even, and to feel safe to give love in return. wish I was in my 30's, knowing what I know now.

[Gardener]

hm,

...as for true love, it is only after I stop seeking it that it will find me.

I truly believe this, too.

[hoosiermama]

ok, can someone translate this for me?

was jokingly apologizing to Texas prof for a brief barrage of emails (none of which was answered) over the past several days. got this response, to which my (internal) response can only be "wtf?"

"Everything is fine! I'm happy to get the notes so long as you are ok with me not responding to everything. I think that that's a way you not only stay connected, but stay healthy. Sort of a bibliotherapy. And I find many of your notes interesting even if I don't respond. Like your note last night.

So if you're ok with that, then we're ok. Deal?"