She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

Consult with a lawyer before you start making any agreements. I almost gave her everything because I was ignorant of the laws and the actual legal stuff. Once I saw my lawyer the whole game changed. Of course she wasn't happy about it, but at least I didn't bury myself out of stupidity.

My W did the same thing. She said her decision was based on my behavior once she dropped the bomb. The whole begging/pleading/cards/flowers, etc... stage.

Personally, they're both full of Sh#t. But they need some rationalization to justify their decisions to break up a family.

I can't stand quitters.

They take the path with least resistance, but it's the harder path to crawl. Then one day they look around and see they built the same pile of sh#t on a bed of sand. Wash, rinse, repeat.

And yes, as Gucci has said - agree with her decision. Tell her it's the best way. That you want to keep moving forward with your life.

Maybe Gucci can give you some advice on the actual mindset and wording.

[Steve McQueen]

She said her decision was based on my behavior once she dropped the bomb. The whole begging/pleading/cards/flowers, etc... stage.

I can see this point of view. Especially from a woman's standpoint, some guy they had a relationship with, either a short on or a long one, that they lost attraction for, that they now blow off, treat like crap, maybe cheated on, who tries winning them back by crying, professing their love, getting emotional when they don't or won't show love back, is not an example of strength, and confidence, and self respect that are very attractive qualities to someone of the opposite sex.

Take that one step further, and get depressed over the situation, and I can fully understand why a woman or a man would quit that situation. Unhappy people bring the party down. Confident, happy people, doing interesting and "new" things, attract others who want to enjoy the excitement?

Life is short. Why fight the resistance? Is it not more fun to throw up the spinnaker and sail down wind?

[DaddyLongShanks]

So she blew you out, and says she lost attraction for you because she blew you out. Most people are going to be affected from getting cheated on. Most of us on this board did not figure it out till we learned how the wayward looks at things.

Without the information, you are dealing with something that hurts and takes a lot of positive emotion out of you.

Why should the wayward be rewarded anyway?

[robx]

She just told me that she was out. She wanted to let me know that before I went to my C appointment tonight. She said it wasn't because of anything I've done in the past, but because of what I've done snce I've been home.

I have done nothing to warrant this since I've been home except for what happened the other day. If she's going to base it off of one incident, then she wasn't really in it to begin with.

It's really sad that this is the course she's decided to take, but she obviously won't know the true answer until she does it. i won't play this like a game, so if she want's to press forwardthen we'll do it for real.

We were supposed to get together to discuss whether or not we were going to proceed or try to fix things still. I guess I now have my answer.

Our next conversation will be about how we're going to divide our assets, and start the next step in the D process. It appears as though this M will not be DB, but is on the way out.

I said it before,
just because you couldn't find evidence of another man doesn't mean he doesn't exist, even if it's just an emotional affair right now where she may just be talking to him every now & then.

Your wife sounds like someone who wants to be with someone else and definitely doesn't want to be with you.

But you... you keep fighting for this marriage, telling her it's not what you want and you want to keep your family together and work on the marriage and the relationship and she keeps telling you she doesn't want any of this but you keep telling her it's what you want so you keep disagreeing with her feelings and she keeps pushing you further away.

I would stop communicating with her altogether unless she contacts you and I would also stop this house swapping nonsense if you guys are still doing that.

If she really wants to go, give her what she wants.
If you guys split up and divorce, you won't be house swapping, let her have what she wants and let her start getting used to the details of the entire process.

She's calling all of the shots right now, when you do you finally let her go and start enjoying your life. If she wants the divorce, let her file for the divorce. If she gets a lawyer, you get one too and you don't do anything like splitting up assets and swapping homes, etc. until all the paperwork is filed and tells each of you what you are responsible for.

Let her go, she really wants to go and you keep fighting it, just let her go.

[Steve McQueen]

wow what i wrote stunk.

begging/pleading/cards/flowers jewelery letters that profess your love and dedication don't do it.

if it worked once, you used up your chances.

Life is short. Why fight the resistance? Is it not more fun to throw up the spinnaker and sail down wind? or are you more main and jib...

[tbart01]

I didn't do any begging or pleading at any point. I've made it very clear from the beginning that i didn't want a D, but I would support whatever she wanted to do.

She said she wanted to follow through with the D, and I told her I would go down that path with her. In the end she wasn't a strong enough person to stick this out. She wasn't giving me what i needed to see as indicators of progress and in turn wasn't able to give her what she needed to rebuild this.

She has asked me for nothing but the children and child support. I'm keeping the house and most of the assets. I'm in the military and she isn't going after my retirement.

I still wish there was some way this could all be avoided, but I don't think so. She hinted at a possible future reconcile, but I told her once we have the July 8 court date to discuss custody and child support, that was a boundary crossed and that was it.

It appears as though 17 1/2 years of a good marriage has been tossed out the window. I really wish she was strong enough to go through this. She feels that D is easier than reconciliation.

Reconciliation can be a difficult process to go through, but can be very rewarding in the end. D is also a difficult process, but effects everyone involved for the rest of there lives.

I will never understand this, and I hope that no one else would have to experience this. I truly thought that we were on the road to recovery, but I was obviously wrong.

[TimeHeals]

Reconciliation can be a difficult process to go through, but can be very rewarding in the end. D is also a difficult process, but effects everyone involved for the rest of there lives.

Meh... reconcillation just takes time and two people willing to change. Now, people tend not to change unless they are forced to change or become desperate enough to want to change, but that's the only place where "difficult" works itself into the equation.

I think some folks think that divorce is easier because then they will be forced to change some things (i.e. no more spouse, new living arrangements, and so on), but... if the character/communication flaws that lead to the divorce aren't addressed, then what's important doesn't change.

[steady]

@ Steve McQueen. I can say what you wrote now and I can hand out that advice all day long - the same way it was handed out to me when I first got here.

Let me ask you this - Do you think if I was capable of "more fun to throw up the spinnaker and sail down wind?" that I would have ended up here at this board?

And if you just threw it all up in the air and went with the flow how come you're here?

I wouldn't have needed this board if I knew then what I know now. Great advice, but there aren't may people who walk into this place in shock and reeling from an atomic bomb going off in their ass who can just throw the switch and implement the proper mindset.

I'm in a totally different place now than I was then, I have thrown the spinnaker up and am sailing downwind - I'm going to court Thurs for a Temp Order of Protection my W took out with totally fabricated lies. Am I freaking out? Nope. Going with the flow and doing all the work I need to do in order to protect myself.

Just remember where these people are at when they first walk in here. Remember where you were at. I sure remember where I was at.

And I don't give a cr@p about how people 'feel' and if they're actually 'interested' in their spouse. A marriage is a marriage. To walk away from it without even attempting to revive is it completely irresponsible and selfish. And it's even more despicable when there are children (especially young children) in the mix.

There's no one here or anywhere else who is going to present a point of view that will sway me from this belief. (Physical abuse, active alcoholism or drug use doesn't count - that's a no-brainer to walk away from)

[steady]

Reconciliation can be a difficult process to go through, but can be very rewarding in the end. D is also a difficult process, but effects everyone involved for the rest of there lives.

Meh... reconcillation just takes time and two people willing to change. Now, people tend not to change unless they are forced to change or become desperate enough to want to change, but that's the only place where "difficult" works itself into the equation.

I think some folks think that divorce is easier because then they will be forced to change some things (i.e. no more spouse, new living arrangements, and so on), but... if the character/communication flaws that lead to the divorce aren't addressed, then what's important doesn't change.

I couldn't agree more. I've changed unbelievably. My W has regressed. I mean she has gotten really sick and vindictive because she's not getting what she wants in this path to D.

Not only hasn't she changed she's actually moved so far backwards that I don't see any of the woman I married in this shell of a person she is now.

In her mind, if she gets rid of me she'll be happy and all good. I have a very different opinion - and time will tell which one of us are right.

[silentspring2]

@And I don't give a cr@p about how people 'feel' and if they're actually 'interested' in their spouse. A marriage is a marriage. To walk away from it without even attempting to revive is it completely irresponsible and selfish. And it's even more despicable when there are children (especially young children) in the mix.

There's no one here or anywhere else who is going to present a point of view that will sway me from this belief. (Physical abuse, active alcoholism or drug use doesn't count - that's a no-brainer to walk away from)

Amen to that. I can see there being a million reasons for unhappiness in a marriage, expressed or unexpressed, but to walk out and think it'll all go away -- especially, as you said, if children are involved -- is delusional. When children are involved it will NEVER all go away, no matter what the WAS thinks.