Understood. To answer the question, yes she is very well capable of locking the door herself, there were times in the past where so would only lock one hatch and the door would pop open. On the nights I have work she handles the task very well. I do it more because I like to say bye just before she walks out the door, it is something she use to always do for me and no longer does obviously (walk me to the door with lunch in hand, hug and kiss me before I left). So I will stop.
While W was at work I decided to put up the new shelves I purchased for the living room wall. While I was putting the shelves up W came home from work, she fooled with the dog for a little bit then went upstairs where she remained as I finished putting the new shelves up. A little while later I went upstairs we had a little conversation, I went back down stairs, W eventually came down herself.
On the shelves were two framed pictures of her grandmother that had been on the shelves I took down. These pictures had been displayed in our living room since day one. W took the pictures off the new shelves. I asked as to why she took them down (not those exact words but in a very kind manner) W just shrugged her shoulders. I said nothing. W took the pictures upstairs and placed them on her nightstand.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
While I was putting the shelves up W came home from work, she fooled with the dog for a little bit then went upstairs where she remained as I finished putting the new shelves up. A little while later I went upstairs we had a little conversation, I went back down stairs, W eventually came down herself. . . .
OIN, I'm going thru the same situation. Month # 22 and counting. It was just recently my wife started to lean on me while watching tv. It's a loooooong process. Our sex life isn't that bad as yours (1-2 times a week from 0). I remember 5 months back I touched her breath and she blasted in flames. Now I can touch her and she say nothing. Make love, try to reconnect.
Did you W ever threaten to move out the house or actually move out the house?
Today when I walked in the room for the first time after W came home from work, there was scent I could not figure out where it was coming from. I made a comment to my W about it. She said she was not sure where it was coming from either and did not smell it herself. While laying net to her in bed, I said "excuse me for a moment" I slightly leaned toward her and attempted to smell her hair (I know but that's I thought it was coming from) she jumped back as if I was attempting to bite her head off and had the dirtiest look on her face. Kills me because I know if it were anyone else she would not had reacted in such a way.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
While I was putting the shelves up W came home from work, she fooled with the dog for a little bit then went upstairs where she remained as I finished putting the new shelves up. A little while later I went upstairs we had a little conversation, I went back down stairs, W eventually came down herself. . . .
Try to let her come to YOU. See what happens.
Puppy
I do. When she is watching TV downstairs I go upstairs, 8 out of 10 times she would shortly follow BUT it doe snot happen the other way. If I am downstairs and she is up she won't come down.
I did not go up to pursue her but rather to retrieve something from the bedroom.
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How odd.
What do you find odd or are you being sarcastic?
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/06/1009:26 PM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I think your intentions are good but the execution is off.
Now really think about what you just wrote. She came home from work and her first communication was again with the dog. She went upstairs to pout until you went up there.
She is not blind and saw you putting up shelves. Once she realized you were done she went downstairs to make her juvenile statement of.. OIN, nothing you do is good enough ya dumb ass and I am going to take down the photos just to get a rise out of you.
Again, shrugging her shoulders is not an acceptable form of communication when you are asked a direct question. Since your W's preferred method of communication is grunts, moans and a variety of other sounds the way to avoid having to be exposed to this is stop asking her questions you know there is no good answer to.
Do you think if you had not put up new shelves she would have randomly made the grand gesture to remove photos from the old shelves? My guess is no, she would not have. She simply wanted a way to undermine the effort you put forth in hanging the new shelves.
She started this exchange with a toxic gesture. Instead of detaching yourself from her BS you responded with a toxic question. Now I understand it was not an unreasonable question but given your W's behavior when she acts like a silly child she will respond like one when questioned. So, don't question her.
Now really think about what you just wrote. She came home from work and her first communication was again with the dog. She went upstairs to pout until you went up there.
When I walked in the room she was playing "family feud" on the computer lol.
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Do you think if you had not put up new shelves she would have randomly made the grand gesture to remove photos from the old shelves? My guess is no, she would not have. She simply wanted a way to undermine the effort you put forth in hanging the new shelves.
Or maybe she seen the photos as an anchor...She leaves them up then that is her implying she is comfortable here and will stay. She does not want to give me that impression so she took them away.
Now what if I took down my one photo now on the the shelf and put it on my nightstand? she will ask "why did you do that?" and I will say "the shelf was intended to hold these pictures and is not being used for that purpose so I too brought my photo upstairs until I decide what will go up"
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Again, shrugging her shoulders is not an acceptable form of communication when you are asked a direct question. Since your W's preferred method of communication is grunts, moans and a variety of other sounds the way to avoid having to be exposed to this is stop asking her questions you know there is no good answer to.
Another way she communicates in through the dog. She will say "<dog name> go get me something from the fridge" and I know it is intended for me.
And something that took place today... I was eating something and W ask "Are there any more of those" and I responded "I believe so, did you want any?" she mumbled "unndunnnooo" but shook her head yes.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Playing the tit for tat game (you taking down a photo and putting it on your nightstand just like she did) will get you nowhere and only fuel the cycle of negativity.
Does it really matter why she took the photo down? It doesn't really and I doubt she is going to say "OIN, I took the photo down because I enjoy being a total bitch to you" and I really doubt she is going to say "OIN, I took the photo down because I might not be living here much longer". All she is going to do is grunt so why bother asking?
The next time your W communicates through the dog why not just say "W, if you would like me to do something for you please ask me directly and not ask through the dog".
And while she may have been playing a game on the computer my point was she came home and gave attention to the dog then went upstairs to isolate herself while paying you no mind at all. She may have not been pouting in the actual sense but it *is* her form of a pouting ritual that you seem to respond to each and every time.
Like today when your W asked if there was more of what you were eating. Why not just say "yes, W, there are more <insert food item here>" and leave it at that. Instead you got yet another mumbled response when asking her if she wanted some.
I would start saying in a polite yet firm fashion "W, I am unable to decipher what grunts, moans and mumbles mean. Please use words when communicating with me". I mean c'mon, do you think she could grunt and mumble at work and not be told not speaking is not acceptable?
Your W doesn't seem ready to treat you or look at you like a H or even a friend but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like garbage.
If your W doesn't want to communicate with you sans dog or mumbles that is her choice but at least you put it out there that it doesn't work for you any longer.
So I gave it a try. I remained downstairs while W was up in bed watching TV. A show we usually watch on Sunday's at 7pm was near starting. W had walked downstairs "acted" as if she was going to get something from the kitchen and said "the show will be starting soon" I responded "oh it is that time already?" she replied yes...then she said "I have to go up stairs and turn the channel" so I made my way up and we realized that the show was not on today. I walked back downstairs, W then came down and was looking on the digital TV guide to see when the show will be airing. W then laid down on the couch.
W the began to moan that her stomach still hurt I asked "Did you take anything for it?" she said "yes" she then asked if I could grab her phone from upstairs...sure I did.
W was never so attached to her phone. She would leave it laying around and at times forget where she put it now it is always on her as if she is anticipating a call or TM. I monitor her logs, I see nothing coming in except for her father and female co-worker who has been her "support" through this all (as in OM situation).
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W said I had an attitude which I did not. She does that often I don't necessarily know how to respond to it.
W then questioned "whats you problem?" and I said I have none, she ask that often as well.
She's pushing your buttons and you are falling for it. She resents the hell out of you. That, to me, is a byproduct of you past controlling behavior. Like someone had mentioned before, you had a parent-child relationship. Eventually, children rebel. She's doing it now. I've been in your exact position. I was pretty controlling at times. I got the same type of comments, snide remarks, and dirty looks. The comment about the hair straightening was texbook interaction. My suggestion would be not to take it all so personally. Be positive, be very cognitive of any critical statements you make. I still think that you should stand up for yourself, in a non-confrontational way, that you expect she communicate with you respectfully.
