It's funny. I always search the internet for topics to get info/guidance etc. I've never felt compelled to actually participate in a forum until now. I was up until 3:30am reading posts last night, finally joined today and read posts for another 3 hours.
I need help. But bare with me, I need to provide some background. I've been married to my H since Feb 2009 (we've been together since April 2007). He is 27 and I'll be 34 right away. I was a single mom of a 9 year old with a great career and owned my own place. Wasn't immediately attracted to my H - he was physically not my type and way too nice (I know this doesn't make sense) - what I mean is that because I'm so independent I found his overly niceness unappealing. I gave it a shot anyway, at least I could make a friend, right? Long story short, we ended up hanging out and enjoying each other's company. Two months into our relationship I found myself pregnant (was the first time we did it). I was devastated to say the least. We did use protection but the universe was saying something. I ended up having to give up my career because it was a rough pregnancy - my whole world turned upside down. never wanted anything like this. Long story short - we were a "ready made" family and it really took it's toll on me - I was resentful and untrusting even tho he gave me no reason to be like that.
I didn't go in with blinders - I had tonnes of fear. Again, independant and a control freak to boot. He came into our relationship with no previous experience (last relationship was 4 months long), no where to live (lived at his mom's but mainly cause he worked on the road) and came with some financial baggage. It was rough! I had a rough pregnancy, I was depressed and after having baby I went thru a rough time. He was amazing through all of it - always said he was bulletproof. He is an amazing man but gives, gives, gives, then gets mad and cuts you off.....
Needless to say, we've had ups and downs like any married couple. Nothing unusual from what I thought until this last week. See, I went into this relationship from the beginning telling him who I was, what I'm about, if you don't like independence this won't work (learned from my last relationship). he was gung ho; would do anything and everthing for me. I would beg him not to be like this, I knew eventually that he would start holding resentment. And he did....I just didn't know about it. I have wronged him definately and took advantage of him in that sense - expected him to always stay the same even tho I never reciprocated. See, I have a really hard time with intamacy and trusting because of "issues".
Sunday he left me. I was so shocked! He told me he no longer wants to be with me, thinks we're better off apart, that he'll never make me happy etc. Had I truly known he was feeling this badly, I would have done something! He doesn't communicate with me; says he scared to tell me anything (this isn't new - he was always like this - and is with most people in his life) I was devastated, and still am. I quickly started realizing my part in this with hopes of him coming home quickly (fyi he left and went to his moms)
I made the mistake of texting him Monday telling him how sorry I am, how much I love him etc cause I thought it important for him to know that I can be vulnerable (cause I'm so opposite of this). It didn't go well so I never contacted him again. He contact me on wed via text asking about our daughters and how I was doing; then texted asking if we could talk this weekend) I replied about the kids but not about talking until hours later. Honestly by Wed I didn't know what to think...if I should work on this or what. Needless to say he came to pick up his daughter on Thurs and I kept it pleasant and to the point about our daughter. he then asked me again if we could talk and I went into a spiel about how this time apart has been good; when we do talk it needs to remain positive blah blah. He was talking to me for an hour! We were on the same page! Talked about dating and seeing a marriage counsellor; getting the passion back; getting the "base" we never did have! Apologized to me for saying he didn't want to be with me; apologized for leaving. He told me to text/call him Fri and we'd talk that night cause the girls would be gone....
Friday - completely different person again! Once again, telling me that he wants me to be happy and work on my "issues" and figures that with him being around that I wouldn't be able to accomplish that. But, he did say he liked the dating idea...WT????? I was/am so confused. I know I clearly have done something wrong in my communication with him to scare him off again but I don't know what. So, he comes over and starts wanting to "finalize" everything, like custody and finances and getting his stuff. told me I could keep everything. SEems really happy to be out of this.
Please understand, I haven't read these books yet but I'm going to buy them tomorrow and will read them. In the meantime, my heart is breaking - I had no idea I emasculated him as much as I did. I see it, but he says he has no desire to work on our marriage. Says he knows he should but he doesn't so I told him not to force that. He iether feels it or he doesn't and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and have our family. I went along with "finalizing" everthing but after reading so much on here, I think I really screwed up and gave him the wrong message.
I love him and realized quickly that I need to work on myself in order for him to feel the love he deserves. I even went out on Thurs night and bought a bunch of reading (women are from mars...) thinking that he wanted to work on our marriage - I wanted him to know I was committed.
He's never been on his own and is the type to stick his head in the sand and after always being with his mom; and then quickly moving into this relationship where I'm controlling (mostly about money; never about him seeing friends or anything) I can see why he doesn't feel like a man and wants to run away from me.
What's with the flip flopping? What have I done? Is it too late for us?
Hi, I am sorry about the tough times you have had. So many people go from one relationship to the next, without having learned how to do things differently to get a better result. As great as the books are, a Divorce Busting coach will immediately help you come up with a plan for your particular situation and increase the odds that you will be able to get your relationship and family back on track. I wish you the best.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
