Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

I have a thread on Piecing, but I feel I need to start one here. I need some help. I am thinking of ending the M because H has not responded to anything since reconciliation 5 years ago. Now that I have health issues and really need him to be there in a more meaningful way, I am left feeling rather empty, emotionally. I don't feel his support.

It's over for me. I don't know how I am going to move forward, but I will be doing so. I thought I would write an email first, because these days I tend to bluster when discussing emotional things. An email will give me a chance to think before setting things down.

I have put an example email on me other thread. I will copy it to her as well.

I need some advice! Lately, H has been dismissive, impatient and sometimes sharp in responses with me in conversation or when I ask him something. He has no interest in my life, what I am doing, etc. He has been doing this in front of friends now. I, of course, suspect he has OW. I am tired of it all. Of waiting for him to come around .... it's been 5 years of no change despite the fact that he said things would be better if we came here. I have wasted valuable time on someone who just doesn't care. I could've been doing something else, living a more authentic life without wishing things were different with him. Well, it's done now ... can't bring all that time back. I have to move forward, and I feel it is the right time now, to end this marriage. It's not a real marriage, anyway.

I'm not sure how to proceed. should I email him and lay it out. Or, should I wait until we have a chance to talk? In an email I can think about what I want to say, rather than blustering my way through conversation about the end of our M.

This is what I want to say:

"Dear H, five years ago, you begged me to stay your wife and said coming to this place would be a fresh start. You promised it would all be okay in our M, and that you loved me and wanted us to stay together as a family. You did all you could to get here, then once we were here, you backed off on any promises you made. I have waited patiently for you to be the man I hoped you could be. But, for me, you are not anymore. Maybe for another woman, you might start over and be that man, but I suspect things will start out well, and it will end up just like us because you refuse to change for anyone or even meet one halfway or discuss issues and problems. For me, you are no longer that team player and partner you once were.

So, what to do? I am no longer happy in this M. I haven't been in a very long time. Having the tumour made me initially not want to make any changes, but now when I think of all the wasted years, it makes me want to leave this miserable M and see what life I can make without you, emotionally. Financially and as parents we will always be tied, and I will try my best to lessen the first as much as possible once (I so hope) I get my new career going. You did promise to pay for my classes, but I won't hold you to that. I will try and pay for them out of alimony money. All of that side of the end of our M will have to be discussed and organised. But, I do not expect to leave a pauper, and do expect your children to still have an involved father. If there is another woman, I hope she doesn't take you away from the kids and grandkids. But, that will be up to you.

I am sorry it has come to this. I loved you passionately during our 24 year marriage, but now I just feel sad that I don't love you at all. I care about you as the father of our children, and as a dear friend that I hope we can become eventually. Too many lies and wasted opportunities to set things right, has left me untrusting, and suspicious. And that has killed the love I had. I regret it, but I doubt I can change it, nor if I want to. I just now want the opportunity to live a happy life with what time I have left, and I am hoping for many more years.

So, H, I wish you well. I wish you happiness and I think you will find it if you do some thinking and changing. You cannot live life always hiding from the people you say you love. I am sure none of this is a shock to you. I doubt you love me particularly .... I hope you care about me too .... but I have felt the lack of love and romance and it hurt, but it doesn't anymore. Twenty four years is a long time being together as a couple, so let's end it with dignity, showing the children how it can be done.

Your wife, BM"

[kissak]

Have you talked to him about needing his support emotionally?

[BeingMe]

Yes, I have, and he says he is giving me emotional support. He is not proactive in his support ... I have to ask for a hug when I need it. There are times I am very fearful, but when I start saying anything, he changes the subject or tells me that I am strong. I know I am, but there are times I just need to voice my fear. This has beenn going on for 2.5 years. My children, thank goodness, are very good at supporting me, especially my son when it was at the worst. H just never seems to be there, but then he doesn't have any emotional investment in losing me, son does.

[Marked&Healed]

Does he know HOW you need him to give you that attention? Is it a love languages thing? A miscommunication about what you need in particular?

You would not be here posting this if you were ready to just move on. I hate to see any divorce absent abuse, so I will err on the side of saying "I doubt you've tried everything."

Yes, I can see you are tired and yes, I can see that you are just DONE and want love in your life.

I also see that you are not sure - or am I misreading you?

What is it that you loved about your H initially?

I'm not familiar with your sitch, so please forgive me, but what have you tried, what haven't you tried, what HAS worked, even if for a little while?

How is your communication?

[BeingMe]

I can see that you might think I am hesitant, but I really (as far as I can recall) have tried everything I know how to save this M. I do think he went through some MLC, and maybe he's not quite out of it yet, but when waiting for him to emerge is taking away precious years that I may not have, I think I can say "it's time to leave." He's wasted enough of my time.

I have told him on several occasions what my LL is, which is quality time together ---- talking about things, anything, where he is completely focused on me, not half on work, or half on the children, etc. But, I NEVER get that. I tried to give him his LL, which was s@x, but now he doesn't want that because I asked him once for us to have it romanitically, that he say he loves me during ML. He couldn't do it, so what does that say about his feelings for me? I have tried discussing our lack of s@x ... he won't talk about it. It has been 1.5 years since last we ML, and that was just before I went in for my brain op. Before that, it was a couple of years.

It's not that I care about having love in my life ... it's that I am living with someone who should love me, and obviously doesn't. And, now I don't either. The only thing that worked was when I had accepted we would divorce 6 years ago, and my D and I were happily preparing and discussing our new home. He said he suddenly realized what he was about to lose, and begged me to stay. I regret staying now. But, I loved him then. That first glow soon faded.

This time, there will be no going back. (This is an awful thing to say, but sometimes I think he's just waiting for my possible early demise, to set him free.)

[mermaid]

Being Me,
I am sorry to hear you have reached this place but you need to do what is right for you. I think there comes a point when mlc is no longer a reason or excuse for bad behaviour. Your h is an adult and it is time for him to get the help he needs and be the husband you need. If he cannot do that he may never or if he does you will have wasted more time.

I spent a lot of years standing and now that I am d I see so many great and challenging possibilities for my future.

I know you have tried everything and then some and I know you do not make the decision lightly so I will keep you in my prayers and I know whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

[Marked&Healed]

I'm sorry to hear you explain it that way. You deserve to do what makes you happy, as you have worked hard and tried. So many people reach out and grab happiness at the expense of other people's lives and happiness. You at least fought and fought hard. It's time for you now, if that's where you feel you are at.

[hoosiermama]

I'm so sorry it's come to this point, BeingMe. but it's completely understandable. some people (like my xH and apparently your H) just don't seem to have the capacity to love and support and adjust unselfishly. I wish you peace and clarity as you discern the next steps along your path.

[WCW]

Hi BM, have you sent the email yet? any response?

[BeingMe]

Not yet, still thinking about what to say, or if I should speak to him face to face.