last night was D14's 8th grade graduation, an event I have obsessively worried about and dreaded for months. and it went unbelievably well!
the only x-in-laws who attended were D14's grandparents. I decided I would just see how they handled it and respond appropriately--and I was immediately invited to sit there in the front pew with xH, new gf, and his parents. we definitely got some weird looks thruout, but it was far, far more comfortable than I would ever have anticipated. (this gf, btw, if you haven't been following along, is not the one involved in the breakup of the marriage; she is relatively new (3 months?) and D14 likes her a lot; she's very appropriate and a very good advocate for D14; we have met at a few different events and it's been fine.) after graduation was over, we were saying our goodbyes, and x-FIL hugged me and began sobbing. told me how much he missed me, how painful this was for him, how much he has cried over the past 2 years, how he can't believe what happened, how he's so sorry for my pain--and please come and visit anytime. at that point, of course, I was weeping openly as well.
I've had no contact with them since before the bomb over 2 years ago; they have gotten on my nerves for years. however, this was such a moment of grace and reconciliation, and such a powerful healing moment for me. this has been an overwhelming week--and in a very powerfully positive way. I am absolutely exhausted and honestly...I can hardly wait to see what happens next! as one wise canine-type poster phrased it for me, I'm moving from grace to grace right now.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
That was so very... touching. Very. I am so glad to hear you get that much-deserved affirmation from your IL's. I know that must mean a tremendous amount to you!
I am absolutely getting whiplash; just got this from xH along with some tedious financial stuff:
"On a totally different note- last night was really special. D14 was “in her element” at dinner, there was some reconciliation (I hope), the video and the pictures you submitted were absolutely terrific! Wow, a very powerful video! D14 was in a LOT of the pictures. Great job, you are a great mom!"
I am afraid I'm going to wake up soon, that all of this grace and peace are an illusion....what on earth is going on here?!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
perhaps you have moved from a place where it was easy to see the negatives into a place where you are filling it with positives
each situation could be taken in different ways
a resentful (not that you were...just using it as an example) could have seen the inlaws confession of how difficult it was as them trying to make themselves feel better after abandoning you
coming from a different place, the inviation to sit by them might have been seen as rubbing your face in the fact that you aren't a part of the family anymore
a different person may have seen the letter from the x as snarky like you did all the work and didn't let him be a part of it
when we are looking for blessings they can be found in abundance when we are searching for slights, they surround us
perhaps you're right, fig. none of this seems conscious, but perhaps I have simply become accustomed to finding the blessings. but whatever it is, I am humbled and amazed by it all.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I am absolutely getting whiplash; just got this from xH along with some tedious financial stuff:
"On a totally different note- last night was really special. D14 was “in her element” at dinner, there was some reconciliation (I hope), the video and the pictures you submitted were absolutely terrific! Wow, a very powerful video! D14 was in a LOT of the pictures. Great job, you are a great mom!"
I am afraid I'm going to wake up soon, that all of this grace and peace are an illusion....what on earth is going on here?!
Sorry for the slow response, Hoozh -- I just fell off my chair, and pulled something.
I KNOW! wtf is going on here??!! just talked to xH about dropoff/pickup tonite, and he said he and D14 talked last night, and then said (and I'm paraphrasing a bit):"I'll tell you the same thing I told her. I've had my head up my *ss for the past 2 years, but it's out now and it's a new day." (this is as close to apology as the man can get.)
this is just downright disorienting!! all I can say is, if I hear of any trouble between him and the new gf, I might personally offer to fund their relationship counseling. is this one of those "beauty for ashes" things?
ok, so the classic "happily ever after" is supposed to include reconciliation. I mean, that's what this site is about, right? but honestly, I have it better than that; I learned who I am and I like myself for the first time in 20 years. I am no longer lost in a marriage that required my disappearance and drained any self-esteem I could scrape together. I have healed from the past 2 years of hell, from a marriage that didn't have a lot of potential, and I am the mother of a truly wonderful daughter. I have let the marriage, and xH, go on to whatever might serve him better. I have peace, D14 has peace, and co-parenting is peaceful. and maybe there will be romantic love in my life again in a much healthier form--and maybe not, but either way I have learned that I AM OKAY on my own, and I can be the biggest contributor to my own happiness. and honestly, it can't get much better than that.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I am still recovering from Puppy's fall! LOL Looking back a few months ago when I was really worried about you around Thanksgiving and here you are. What a difference!! I am so happy for you. Fnding your self can be awesome. I will be right back there too as soon as I see my dr tomorrow(a little thing about being a female has been messing with my emotions for a while now). Yippee!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think it's in the trying that teaches us. Are we ever completely done with ourselves? I doubt it. We need to be constantly readjusting, tweaking, nudging this little flaw, that small irritation, or increasing this good characteristic or expanding that brilliant part of us. It is a spiritual journey rather than a physical one we are told, and I think it is true. Once our youthful glow and energy is past, all we have is our character, our spirit, and that is where the true test begins, IMHO. We trust parts of ourselves, some of the time, and then there is a flash of inspiration and for a second we trust all of ourselves. Isn't the journey of Life just awesome?
One of those brilliant parts of you shines through in this beautiful post! Thank you.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am still recovering from Puppy's fall! LOL Looking back a few months ago when I was really worried about you around Thanksgiving and here you are. What a difference!! I am so happy for you. Fnding your self can be awesome. I will be right back there too as soon as I see my dr tomorrow(a little thing about being a female has been messing with my emotions for a while now). Yippee!!
kat
oh, yeah...Thanksgiving sucked. one of my lowest points. I learned a lot about my process, tho...I gotta wallow. I never get "dangerous" with myself, but I have to stay in the misery and wring every last little bit out of it until I'm absolutely sick of it. and then I'm done. and unfortunately, I don't think that probably comes across in my venting posts, but venting is part of moving thru it.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
