The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had a great time with friends and my son yesterday. Went to their lake house for a barbeque and party. Just plain relaxing. Ahhhh... Then to a baseball game last night with a few friends from the local divorce support group. Still fun. All in all a good relaxing time.
The downsides were the times stbx intervened. Feels like she is trying to control things. Me. She was asking questions via my son. Not liking that. Told him that I didn't want him in the middle. His mother can ask me directly if she wants to know something and vice versa. I don't want him in the middle of that.
This morning woke up to a text from her saying she didn't come home last night and should have told me. She apologized.
That just feels controlling. On the one hand, she hasn't told me her plans or whereabouts for years, except sporadically. In previous years I saw that as part of her rebellion. The rebellion wasn't against me per se. I see that. But now? Why bother telling me? It's over, at her insistance. Why would I care where you are? Why are you annoying me with this drama and just bullshit? 'Cause it is annoying. Same as when she tries to question me about the safety of the kids, or some other aspect of what I'm doing. For crying out loud. How much more of this is there going to be?
Just feels like controlling insanity. "Do as I say, but not as I do" kind of stuff. As well as "are you there? - I want to divorce you, but I want to know you care" ?
It doesn't work like that. It cannot. That would bring me into insanity. I am letting go. I am actively working through all my feelings and letting go one piece at a time. Those were my choices before. Now it is my choice. There can be no more of this. You have made up your mind (supposedly) and I cannot be part of your life any longer. Please stop the insane thought that you will be able to influence or otherwise control my life. That's what you wanted. That's what you asked for. That's the decision you made and say you stand behind.
</venting>
I realize some of this is your own insecurity about the kids as well. I realize some of this is something else that's going on with you. I realize that you are hurt that I told you the truth about your behavior, although why you chose to be hurt I do not know; it's my opinion of your behavior and I doubt you disagree. I think it's more that you see it and don't know why you are doing it. I realize that you are upset by your behavior as is everyone that ever knew you before this began. Not your new friends of course - they validate everything and are so screwed up, likely feel good that somebody like you is more drama filled than they are. I'm projectig an opinion there, I know. But please just leave me out of it. Let me go. I am letting go of you, and have no need or desire to do otherwise. You have killed the marriage and backfilled your reasons to make it seem like you did the right thing. Ok. I accept that. I cannot do otherwise because I cannot change it. Ok. Enough already.
</now I'm really done venting >

The text this morning annoyed me. I suspect that will not stop any time soon. No need to respond to it, but thanks for letting me vent

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
More contact from wife's aunt. She doesn't want me talking about it with family. I can understand that. She was angry with w about leaving. Showing support. Very kind, but I urged her to reconsider and see things a bit differently. There is much more to why w is leaving. Aunt figured it out - she remembered the childhood and what happened then. And w's reaction to it. While this is not all of it, it is part of the equation and needs to be dealt with. I wish her luck. I realize there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even be supportive because I have been asked to exit the ride.
I notice that w is gaining a little weight. I think that's a good thing because it means she is not running nearly as much. That likely provides a little insight into her mental state meaning she is likely calming down a bit.
we actually had a pleasant exchange of words this morning. That's a nice change and may make things a little easier until the house sells. A little less stress would be nice.
Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. I hated getting that text yesterday. I really did. It pushes me back into the roller coaster and I don't like that. There is no need for me to be on that ride any longer.
I really do wish STBX all the best. Even with the mean and nasty comments and anger she has spewed at me. I'm slowly teaching her how to treat me. As if she has had an emotional stroke or something. But I refuse to return anger with anger. It serves no purpose and I am better than that. I will continue to be better than that. Regardless of the circumstances. I have my self-esteem to work on

AJ

[Thinker]

Hi AJ,

Looks like you and I are working through the same issues. My stbx wants Soooooo badly to blame this all on me that (much like your stbx) she is angry and pushing and asking for the divorce, and at the same time acting like the complete victim.

I'm finally the one who is pushing the D forward. I am filing now, and my W is going to use this to be able to tell her whole family, friends, etc how agressive and thoughtless I am and how she is just the poor little victim.

This past weekend she went out in the evening and didn't return that night. The next day (before coming home) she called while I was out having fun with the kids and complained about how hard this was on her and how much she missed them.

Ugh.

I know exactly what you are dealing with.

Stay strong.

[AJM]

Thinker, I feel for you. I really do. Been a long road, no?
In my case, it comes and goes. She is trying to control. To pulse check. To see what I am thinking. It comes and goes, and then she spends an inordinate amount of time trying to get a reaction out of me. I more often than not don't let her.
My conversations with her aunt hurt. I actually defended her to some degree to her own family. How screwed up is that?
In fairness, there never is a time to treat somebody poorly nor to return unkindness with unkindness. There is a time for anger and there is a time to attack or defend. I see the differences now. I know this is not the time to hurt her. I could have easily done that in the past and chose not to. My instinct tells me there is a lot more to this than just leaving me. Or just giving up. I know how painful it is Thinker. I do. With kids it's even harder. But I am at a place now where I realize that I cannot change anything but me. Her issues are her issues and I have no part in them any longer - at her brutal insistence. I tried. Too much perhaps. But it is time to move on. Nothing her but old memories and a dead marriage. Time to bury it.

It fascinates how much they want to blame us and want to be the "victim". I've seen it played out in other relationships as well. Must be part of human nature to not want the guilt I guess.

Hang in there Thinker. There is a certain amount of relief in not having the question out there of how it will end any longer. But it comes at a price. I know as much as anyone that if we could have made it past this, life would have been really good. Marriages work like that. They also require two people to work at it and to not give up.

It just is.

Take care Thinker, it will get more crazy as time goes on. Thx for stopping by.
AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had a great weekend. Mostly. The stbx is nuts I think. She lost it when the kids didn't do what she wanted. She ended up leaving. Later I got a text telling me she was staying the night at a friends.
That just seems odd to me. Why let me know where you intend to be? You want a divorce!! Shouldn't I not care where you are going to be???
Anyway, seems odd to me, but maybe that's normal behavior for a WAS/MLC type. I've been reviewing the MLC archives. Seems she fits very well there from my perspective. Lots of changes but mostly I sense fear on her part. Fear of all kinds of things. She asks me about things with the kids as if I haven't raised them by myself for the last several years while she was "away" It's offensive, but I see it for what it is as well: fear and noticing suddenly that the kids are much more grown up than when she "left". Perhaps this is her waking up a bit..? If so, then I'm glad. I've wanted the kids to have a mother they can rely on. Tried very hard to keep her connected to them. Even at my own expense I realize. I know I could have taken them from her when she left. I know that I could say things to the kids and they would hate her. None of that is the right thing to do for the kids or her.
It hurts to watch, but it gives me time to work on me and invest in me. I need that. I can't stop what she is doing, and need to work on moving on. I can see that.
I think I'll post to the MLC forum as well though. Just to get it off my chest.

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Had a great time away. Boys weekend at the beach. I think I even saw the beach during that time
Good to get some perspective and to rejuvenate. Really helped a lot. Had drinks with a couple of female friends last night. That was relaxing as well, although it causes me to think. I like them as friends. I do. But one of them has recently left her husband (he's addicted to pain meds) and it was hard to hear some of her thinking. I don't live that life and don't judge, but it is hard to hear sometimes.
Just the same, looking forward to the week and next weekend with the kids. Had very little contact with stbx. She did ping me this morning asking about my plans. She seems to be relaxing a bit which is helpful - I don't have such an adversarial person actively trying to hurt me. That lets things quiet down a little.
House showing yesterday. One can only hope it sells, but I know better. I highly doubt it will sell any time soon. Talked to an old friend over the weekend as well and was telling her that I at least have built up my stbx-antibodies. I can survive and thrive in my own house regardless of her actions. The time away prior and just this past weekend has helped me see things differently. I'm starting to realize what has happened more and more and I understand that I just wasn't ready to listen to the counselor early on. I see what she saw back then and her comments make a lot more sense now. There really was nothing I could do, and at this point I won't. I have dropped it. I sometimes feel like I want things to have turned out differently, but I think some of that is normal. I have a long way to go to finish healing, but I am very much on the path. I can see that.
Kids seem to be doing better. I was reading somewhere that when they sense that their parents can handle it, they begin to express their own feelings. I hope that is correct because I see that they need that opportunity. I hope for them it happens sooner rather than later.

AJ

[kat727]

You will also find that when your kids sense you are better, they will start getting into trouble more. Not anything major, just more like "normal". They have probably been pretty good for the most part during this tough time. At least that has been my experience.

Mine are back to being kids!

kat

[AJM]

Thank you Kat. I think that's true. I'm looking forward to that because they don't deserve to have to put their life on hold like that. :0)

Journaling:
As expected, I finally got the sep papers. Not sure why the delay, but I figured it would be anytime and it turns out it was last night. I'm not upset about it. That surprised me. I'm actually kind of glad to not have to look for them every day when I get home. That's a nicer feeling. Feels like one more step forward.
I reflected back a little today. I realize I have no regrets. Nothing left unsaid nor undone. Not one thing. I'm very happy about knowing that if given another chance, I would not change a single thing I did or said given the same information all over again. I'm just ready to move on and need the house to sell. Anyone looking for a house in this area?

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Perhaps I got through to her during that fight. Since then she has not been the absolute monster she has been. I did receive the papers the other day, but that's not the same as being a monster towards me every waking moment of the day. Still not relaxing to be in my own home, but that's to be expected if you ask me.
She has also been more of a mom to the kids. I view that as a positive thing for everyone and I am happy to see that.
I am ready for the house to sell. Not sure what to do to get it to sell faster, but that will have to take care of itself. Like I mentioned yesterday, no regrets, no looking back and wishing what if. Nothing more but to move on and I'm more and more ready each day. Limbo kind of sucks, but that's also to be expected I think. Just have to wait it out and as long as she stops trying to actively hurl hurts and insults, it shouldn't be too bad. I'm mostly easy-going, so the lack of respect for planning doesn't bother me very much. I can adjust at a moment's notice and I'm happy to do so where it concerns the kids. Time to focus more on them and make some adjustments to get them moving.

AJ

[Mila]

AJ - just stopping by to say hello. Good to see that your W is little bit more relaxed and better with the kids. It must be extremely hard to still be in one house.

You seem at peace or maybe resigned...accepting the situation and ready to move on. I hope that the house sells fast.

Limbo does suck

All the best AJ