You know, as Puppy explains it, "Leave them alone, and they'll come home..." instead of being proactive right away; even if that means losing your cool for a moment, asking them "why?" exposing A's, etc.
I'm not talking about groveling, begging, stalking, or other weak, needy, unseemly, and other unattractive behavior. I'm talking about righteous indignation. I'm talking about snooping, fighting dirty, arming yourself with intel, etc.
It is my belief that Bo Peep doesn't work because it is cake-eating, right from the get-go. "I'm here if you want me.....when you're finished exploring.....see how spotless the house is.......see how I have all your favorite food in the fridge......see how wonderful and understanding I am....I'm the better option.... "
Are you really thinking that they view you as the better option? I think not. You are the default position until they decide to betray you again. And they will. And it will be easier the next time because they already crossed the line with you once. And since you were "so patient and understanding" the first time, there were no consequences.
Kimmie? Have you been looking in my fridge? How did you know I have her favorite foods in there?
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
I used to think that I was just lucky that I turned my sitch around so quickly. But the more stories I read here, the more I think it's because I turned the tables, stopped the cake-eating, and became the WAS. That is what works.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm relatively new here, but after reading heaps of forum- posts from very experienced DBers, my gut is also starting to tell me that the Bo Peep method really is too LAME, especially in severe cases.
But........ my DB coach & the DR book are advocating Bo Peep. (as I understand it, cos I have little bargaining power with WAH right now).
Result? TOTAL INERTIA in my DB'ing efforts. Don't know my a%% from my elbow, as we like to say in my country!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Bo Peep essentially tells WAS that, while you don't agree with what they are doing, you are prepared to put up with it indefinitely.
It shows weakness and certainly won't earn your WAS's respect back. Why should it, they are doing exactly what their chemicals are telling them too, being secretive, mysterious and having FUN - and all the time you're sitting at home telling them you're OK with it.
Piano I know you're coming into the last 2 months of your pregnancy and anything you do for the next while will be super hard, but I really think that you should be going more hardball with H.
He's failed in getting a job interstate and is showing some interest in being around when the happy day arrives. I really think now is the time to drive home your 'advantage' - tell him you don't need him, you'll be fine on your own. As we say in my country 'Put the ball back in his court'.
But the proviso here is that you HAVE to be prepared to do all that if he won't play ball.
H: 44 W: 42 Married: 23 years Bomb: 16/07/2009 PA Confirmed: 16/01/2010 Over it & working on ME: Feb'ish 2010
My only caution is that this WILL NOT WORK FOR MLC. As long as you are sure that this is a WAS then you are correct. However the confusion factor is the key for MLC, if it is MLC then you will probably be getting a DIVORCE with these tactics.
OP and BA, thanks for trying to apply this to my sitch (sorry if I have taken over this thread-- will retreat back to mine asap). I believe my H's case is a combo WAS and MLC (MLC around the baby's arrival, freaked & not knowing 'how' to be a dad 'cos came from messed-up, fatherless background...THAT combined with heaps of other external pressures at one time - change of countries - to be specific, leaving his homeland, director of a company to unemployment, health issues, turning 40, confusing things even further by having an 'impossible' PA with woman 10,000kms away, etc etc. Totally in self destruction mode).
BA, totally agree about where the ball needs to be & it's up to me to put it there. Done 2.5 weeks of DARK..now need to lay down some hard boundaires.
