She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

Does this sound to good to be true or is it really a positive step? There have been too many ups and downs,and I'm sure there will be many more before this is over.

She repeated once again that she was 100% D until I got home and she saw how much I had changed. She said she wanted to let me know that this was a positive thing. Again, she just doesn't trust that the changes are real which is fair.

I truly believe that it will be easier and our future will become much clearer once we physically separate. We seem to talk about the R too much living together. When she was living out of the house for those 3 weeks things were much better.

[mza8]

tbart, just my opinion but I think it's a positive step. I see three positives that jump out. One is she agreed to drop the custody part. Two, it was HER idea to schedule a date night. That's very good. Three, she has acknowledged changes in you. Seems to me like she just needs to know your changes are real and consistent. You have a great opportunity here. Make the most of it. Good luck!

[tbart01]

Either I don't have much updates or all my DB friends have gone.
Once we came to the decision on the D proceedings things have calmed down. We're back to getting along and talking (casual chit chat).

Yesterday we had another productive MC session, and then went to dinner together afterwards. My W was also very happy that the two of us we're able to agree on something. The agreeing was the S arrangement and how we're going to handle the kids. We seemed to really enjoy each others company.

My IC told me that she commended us both for doing what we've doing. To both be going to IC and MC is a big deal. She also told me that even though we seem to talk about the R an awful lot, it's wonderful that we're talking. She likes the fact that we're able to talk.

Today we're going up to put some of the finishing touches on our rental property. After that we'll start our rotation process and give each other some much needed space.

That's where my situation is right now.

[steady]

Sorry tbart. I've not been here in a few days - definitely didn't forget about you. I had the kids this weekend and didn't fire up my computer at all.

Now my take on it all...

Drop all notions and guessing about what's positive and what's negative. This is how we get all wrapped around the axle.

Just re-read your thread from the beginning and you'll see what I'm talking about. When things 'appear' (and I use appear very loosely because it's our interpretation of how now will affect the future that creates the appearance) to be going our way we get up. When they 'appear' to be going opposite of where we think it should go, then we go down.

Read the Zen story I posted a bit back in this thread. You have to keep that in the forefront of your mind.

Otherwise, she will say or do something which you'll interpret as a backslide or reversal and start to panic. Again, just read back and count how many times you were upset that things appeared to be going poorly.

Now look where you are.

We are always deceived by appearances. Embrace anything that happens with the full knowledge you have no idea where anything is going. It's our need to control people and our environment which cause us to compulsively try to guess the future. It's impossible. I've never met anyone who could do it. They may have guessed correctly sometimes, but I'll bet good money they were wrong most of the time.

Now, with that being said. Focus on you and the kids. Your mind will start to wonder what she's doing and thinking while she is in the rental and you are at home. You will have a desire to snoop or to sit and ruminate trying to figure out where everything is going.

It's going where it's going, and you won't know what that is until you get there.

Keep doing what you're doing .... except for anything you may be doing 'wrong'...

(That last line was a joke)

[tbart01]

I've been pretty busy, and no real changes to the situation. This was my weekend at the house with my daughters, so I've been making the best of it.

We went to a crawfish boil Saturday and spent the day on the river with good friends. This is the first time since I've returned that I've been able to spend time with friends and forget about everything, and it was great.

I'm actually enjoying myself these days. I'm also better able to see life without my w if it should come to that. When she's gone, like she has been for the entire 4 day weekend, it doesn't bother me.

I'm not saying I don't want things to work out, but I'm finally for the first time truly starting to detach. I find that it's definitely much easier when you can finally do that.

I have realized that my W really isn't the same person right now. it seems she's lost and I'm not. She used t be allot of fun to be around, and she's really not anymore. I realized that throughout this weekend.

I truly hope she can find her way out if this fog she has herself in, but I know with 100% certainty that I'll be fine no matter what the outcome.

[TimeHeals]

I truly hope she can find her way out if this fog she has herself in, but I know with 100% certainty that I'll be fine no matter what the outcome.

You will be further along detaching when you stop worrying about what she does or doesn't do. Everybody has to find their own path, and while you can empathize with people who are stuggling more than others to find the path, we are all finding our own path in life.

Find your own path.

[tbart01]

I want her to find her way out the fog for herself. It's not for me anymore, because I truly am moving forward.

[steady]

tbart, you hit the nail on the head. They aren't the same person. They are lost in their own world trying to make sense.

I spoke to a friend of mine the other evening and he asked, "What happened to the woman you married? She used to be sweet and kind and a lot of fun." I told him I didn't even recognize her anymore. She has become those things I don't want in a R and it's sad.

But like Timeheals has said, they have their own path to walk. We can wish them the best, but ultimately they have to find their own way on the road they are on.

One other thing on detaching - I just realized our anniversary would have been on the 25th and it didn't come to me till this morning. I laughed because in the past I would have known the day without a doubt. Today, didn't even remember it - so I know I'm detaching even more.

Glad to hear you're doing ok.

[tbart01]

well she came home last Monday and completely brought the vibe down. I did fall pretty bad while i was wakeboarding and ended up with a concussion and whiplash. she came in heard I was hurt, and asked if anything happened to the girls. She didn't come in and say hi how are you or anything, and then went straight into tearing into me over finances.

I was already starting to feel detachment as I explained earlier, so this obviously didn't help things. She went through her rant and after awhile we went outside and talked.

Keep in mind she had been staying at the rental all weekend and it's been just me and the girls. The weekend was very fun and peaceful. I obviously wasn't to thrilled with the behavior she was exhibiting.

We went outside and talked and I let her know what i had been thinking since I've moved. I let her know that I was starting to not care how this ended. If we stay together that's great, but if we don't I'm fine with that also.

I told her that for the first time I could actually see my life without her. I let her know that i knew i would live a long and happy life if this didn't work out, and that I thought she would one day regret it.

I told her that I was done being treated like crap by her and that i didn't deserve the way she was treating me because I wasn't treating her that way.

She sat there and listened to me while she cried, and she said she didn't want to miss out on an opportunity (meaning me). However, she still didn't know what she wanted to do.

As I was leaving to go back to where i was staying she grabbed me and hugged me. she cried while she was hugging me and said she was sorry for not knowing what she wanted. i told her she needed to figure it out.

the next day i started receiving emails from her at work. she was telling me how sorry she was for treating me the way she does. She said that the way she's been treating me is one of the reasons she's wanted divorce. she also want's me to come to the house Saturday so we can talk about things. She says we can talk while she cleans so she can use the chemicals as an excuse for her crying.

She sent me another email saying she wanted to get together with me Friday for a date. she wanted to come up to my place bring some food and watch a movie. she's also been nice to me all week, and has initiated a hug everytime I've left.

She came by my place yesterday for our date night. It was nice, nothing spectacular. We ate, played cards, chatted for a bit and then she left. I would have liked more, but at this point don't expect anything. I guess Friday's are going to be our regular date night now.

I'd like to be excited about these date nights, but it's like going out with a friend. now I'm getting ready to go down to the house and do laundry and have our talk.

I'm just tired of this roller coaster ride. just as I'm starting to detach she sucks me back in. However, unlike times in the past I have no expectations. I just don't how to feel about this anymore, nor do I know how long I can do this.

My C asked me the other night how do I know when to give up, and I really don't know the answer. I told the MC that I was frustrated and just wanted to throw my arms up and give up. I told my W she was giving me nothing to hang on to. That's when the hugging and stuff started to happen.

i just don't want her to keep making me feel like I'm just a friend, even though that's basically all I am. i know I deserve better than this, and right now she's not making me happy. I almost feel uncomfortable around her. Things seem more forced than natural.

[TimeHeals]

she said that the way she's been treating me is one of the reasons she's wanted divorce

Does this make sense on some other planet? She is treating you like crap because she wants a divorce and doesn't respect you. It's not the other way around.

The sheer audacity of folks who rationalize such behavior is a miracle to behold.