My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

...and I have to report a miracle in my daughter's life.

I'll try to cut to the chase...D14 has had a miserable couple of years in middle school. she was once part of a "triad" of friends, and you know how those things go--someone always gets cut out, and it was her. and these two girls have been unnecessarily mean and rude and awful to her, and it's hurt her so much because they used to be friends. and that has been happening on top of struggling with math, struggling with her father's choices, struggling with the music teacher's bullying. yesterday was her last day of school there (moving on to high school in the fall--yikers!) 7th graders write notes to the 8th graders, and hers consistently say what a nice kid she is, how much she's had to deal with and overcome but how she's done that, taken the high road, remained the kindest 8th grader in the class in spite of receiving so much unkindness. and then the biggie--students submitted old pictures that were made into a slide show video for them, and it was a very emotional time of looking back over the past 8-10 years (since preschool for most of them). after the video, these 2 ex-friends approached her separately. the meaner one said "You must think I'm a real jackass because that's how I've acted. I'm really sorry!" and the other one, who's a pathologic follower, said "D14, I've been a really horrible friend. please forgive me!!" it meant so much to my daughter to hear that, she was weeping as she told me, and it changed the whole character of her last day. it gave her some real closure, it allowed her to feel some sadness at leaving--which is appropriate after 10 years. I am sooooooooo happy about this I can hardly contain myself. in my language, it was the Holy Spirit working, but whatever happened, it was tremendously healing for D14. and I can't begin to express, either, how proud I am of her for maintaining who she is in spite of being treated like crap, for being the leader in character she set out to be at the beginning of the year even tho no adults acknowledged her for it--obviously the rest of the students were able to see it. (who got the character award? the girl who bullied her mercilessly....)

I'm so glad to see our days at this community drawing to an end, finally, and being able to put it behind us--and for having some closure, some goodness in that leaving amid all the pain involved.

[kat727]

kat--just a little survey here (yeah, small sample size; too bad!) do you find that you trust him or yourself less? it's something I struggle with...until recently I haven't trusted myself to make decent choices. and now...I don't trust anyone not to abandon me.

I found myself becoming jealous of a friend of his. I have a friend(male) that I go have dinner with every couple of weeks, so I have a male/female friendship happening too. I really don't remember myself being the jealous type, but I guess too with all the new tech stuff, you find out things without even trying!

Hope that makes sense. Sorry it took a couple of days to respond, I have been busy!!

kat

[hoosiermama]

oh, yeah. I can relate. I think it's the new tech stuff too--like posts popping up on fb that leave you wondering! I also think there's bound to be some big abandonment stuff for we WAW's; our antennae are up just looking for clues so we can anticipate that big stab in our heart that's undoubtedly right around the corner. I got that going on, plus the whole "you should be dating people" and the fact that he clearly has an active social life even if he is intent that he won't get "serious" about anyone at this point. trying hard just to live in the moment and enjoy, but I keep worrying about when he'll disappear.

when I asked about trusting yourself, I wasn't very clear...I meant are you having difficulty trusting your perceptions of reality, of other people, of potential romantic interests? that was something I really struggled with, but seem to have come to terms with.

[Gardener]

hm,

...it's difficult to "live in the moment" (which is what I should be doing) and "enjoy this good thing I have at this moment" when I'm looking for negative motivations and clues of imminent abandonment. how long does this crap go on in our heads?!

It's a daily struggle and challenge which will go away if we work at it. I know some dismiss the whole inner child thing, but I also know that you - like me - don't. I have found that The Second Akeru Exercise in The Journey From Abandonment To Healing (henceforth to be known when I'm writing you as "JFATH" - too much typing otherwise!), on pages 102-115 in the paperback, has done me much good. It has helped me to identify, admit, and feel - deep emotions. "...forming a significant relationship with your emotional core," as Anderson puts it. It reveals to me what is really going on inside of me.

The "crap" as you put it is Hoosiergirlie crying out. She wants to, will be, must be heard...listened to (maybe for the first time ever). And talked to. Comforted. Reassured. And she has insights to offer.

As I've said before, Relationship Author Terry Real puts it best: the adaptive child must be heard, acknowledged, and then you've got to "pry her/his sticky fingers off the steering wheel." Adult you's got it now. Convince Hoosiergirlie of that - through "dialog" - and the "crap" begins to make profound survival sense. And dissipates a little bit - for me, anyway - each time I practice it.

...there just seemed to be some urgency in trying to convince me I need to be dating, and I still wonder why it was so important, so urgent. just the possibility I'll "learn things about myself that I'd never learn otherwise" seems rather vague to generate as much urgency as there seemed to be about it. I believe that if he persists in this "challenge" I'll have to challenge him about why this is so important to HIM.

Reading you re-word it and expound on it makes me think you might be seeing a red flag on his neediness. I could be wrong. But keep it in mind, is all. And, yes, be ready to challenge - or gently question - it. You're right on the money, there.

Susan Anderson is having "New York Open Center in Manhattan, Sunday June 13 2010 10:00 A.M. - 5:30 P.M. All day workshop: Abandonment to Healing: Overcoming Your Patterns of Self-sabotage. Register at 212 219 2527

www.opencenter.org/journey-from-abandonment-to-healing/

as per her website: www.abandonment.net/


I keep telling myself I will go if I can afford it. I'm going to go. I'm going to register Tuesday.

Peace,

[Gardener]

Also, hm, I just read this:

...struggling with the music teacher's bullying.

I would suggest confronting this, even if she is done with that school (but that's just me).

...7th graders write notes to the 8th graders, and hers consistently say what a nice kid she is, how much she's had to deal with and overcome but how she's done that, taken the high road, remained the kindest 8th grader in the class in spite of receiving so much unkindness....

You are raising one fine young woman, there.

...after the video, these 2 ex-friends approached her separately. the meaner one said "You must think I'm a real jackass because that's how I've acted. I'm really sorry!" and the other one, who's a pathologic follower, said "D14, I've been a really horrible friend. please forgive me!!" it meant so much to my daughter to hear that, she was weeping as she told me, and it changed the whole character of her last day. it gave her some real closure, it allowed her to feel some sadness at leaving--which is appropriate after 10 years. I am sooooooooo happy about this I can hardly contain myself. in my language, it was the Holy Spirit working, but whatever happened, it was tremendously healing for D14. and I can't begin to express, either, how proud I am of her for maintaining who she is in spite of being treated like crap, for being the leader in character she set out to be at the beginning of the year even tho no adults acknowledged her for it--obviously the rest of the students were able to see it.

I can imagine that "proud" doesn't begin to cover what you feel!
Peace,

[hoosiermama]

gardener--the thoughtfulness and depth of your replies is truly humbling. thank you so much.

yes, I am so very proud of my daughter. she's an amazing kid who will grow into an even more amazing adult, I'm certain. the depth of her intuitive understanding and compassion is incredible.

as for the music teacher...she was once a colleague of mine. when I first started working at the church, she developed breast cancer--stage III. I changed dressings, did visits, brought food, researched comfort measures...and she has survived and is officially cured. I brought her flowers that day to celebrate. and she bullies my daughter...who knows why. there's a kid every year that she blesses and a kid that she bullies...I've watched it for 10 years. this year it's my daughter. and to confront it--oh, believe me I have. over and over and over. and officially it doesn't exist, isn't happening, and is somehow my fault or my daughter's. sick system there. so incredibly glad to be out of it.

[hoosiermama]

gardener--thank you again.

I will absolutely go back over that exercise tonight. you are absolutely and completely correct, and thank you so much for the reminder of what I should have already known!! the timing is good; with my first new paycheck comes more financial and material security than I've had in years. surely that will be a factor in convincing Hoosiergirlie that I can take care of things!

yep, the little bratty kid has her sticky fingers all over that steering wheel; I've moved forward tremendously over the past couple of months, but there's still work to be done, obviously. as I was reminded enthusiastically the other day, I'm right on the cusp of...something! lol. vague, but obvious, and I am so ready to take that next step for myself.

thank you again, gardener.

[Gardener]

hm,

the timing is good; with my first new paycheck comes more financial and material security than I've had in years. surely that will be a factor in convincing Hoosiergirlie that I can take care of things!

Good for you. God how that must ease your sitch. And feel just plain old good!

as I was reminded enthusiastically the other day, I'm right on the cusp of...something!

You know, I feel that way, too lately. No evidence. Don't know why. I just do.
Hey, wait a minnit...could it be the return of long-lost...optimism?!

[hoosiermama]

hm,

the timing is good; with my first new paycheck comes more financial and material security than I've had in years. surely that will be a factor in convincing Hoosiergirlie that I can take care of things!

Good for you. God how that must ease your sitch. And feel just plain old good!

as I was reminded enthusiastically the other day, I'm right on the cusp of...something!

You know, I feel that way, too lately. No evidence. Don't know why. I just do.
Hey, wait a minnit...could it be the return of long-lost...optimism?!

lol! optimism, sure. but I think after slogging thru all this stuff the way we have done it, we know ourselves pretty well. and I think there's a sense of something right around the corner that is pretty palpable at times. optimism + intuition + self-awareness. all of it is good stuff!

and when someone else acknowledges it, can also see it...well, just further validation of our own self-awareness. (and possibly some synchronicity.)

[kat727]

I thought about what you asked, regarding trust and choices. I felt that I answered that with the jealousy thing. Do I think anything is going on? Do I trust him? No, I don't really think anything is going on. Yes I feel as if I can trust him.

The issue I have is me. I look back and see that I am friends to one degree or another with almost everyone of my previous boyfriends. Some I have lost track of. However, if I can continue to have a good relationship with them then that must say something about my choices in the the people I have cared for. That they still care for me, speaks for itself as well. My ex, made these choices that led him away from what marriage means and what options were available to fix any issues that we had. HE made those choices, not I.

It has affected my self-esteem though. I thought I must somehow be lower than my H if he could so easily walk away from myself and our children. Looking back I don't think he was ever faithful to any girlfriend before me. So he may have been faithful while dating me(perhaps not)but he certainly hadn't been once we got married. So now I doubt myself more. Am I deserving of what this new relationship can bring or will I be so scared that I will end it before he hurts me. That my dear is where I am at. I have had time to ponder. I am worth it but I need to figure out how not to let myself go to dark thoughts.

I hope that answers your question better.

kat