My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[Andabelle]

Love the X-Borg analogy!

[hoosiermama]

kat--just a little survey here (yeah, small sample size; too bad!) do you find that you trust him or yourself less? it's something I struggle with...until recently I haven't trusted myself to make decent choices. and now...I don't trust anyone not to abandon me.

[hoosiermama]

thanks; it's often used in describing some of the local health care systems, so I "assimilated" it myself!

[hoosiermama]

so...my first new paycheck got deposited overnight. I am no longer poor!!!!!!!!!!! omg--the past 2 years have been such an incredible financial struggle...and now, I'm stable. the relief I feel...I have no words for. putting a chunk into savings this afternoon.

I still may lose my house. I've been on loan modification for the past year and a half or so, and they keep changing the requirements and starting over, and I've been following all the rules and they still keep screwing around with it. however, I'm hoping that the next time I send in a pay stub, they will be satisfied enough to finalize things and take me out of limbo.

I am so doing the happy dance!!!!!!!!!! funny--it's not a surprise, it's about the amount I anticipated and it came when I expected it...but to see the balance actually show up in my bank account makes it more real. ah...to no longer live in crisis!! what will that be like?!

[NoCodeBlues]

((((HM))))

Good to hear. It all works its way out.

Hugs and blessings.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[Gardener]

hm.
No wisdom from me, just observations:
Talking, not talking, "lovely time" = how good for you!
What a wide range of conversation topics and honesty you shared, including his owning up to his role in his failed marriage, you owning up to yours.
Shared history, lack of expectations on both sides and the above seems like a great start.

It says a lot that he spent so much time trying to convince you to date again and that you have no strong need(iness) for dating and that you are enjoying happiness, contentment, and you for now. Very healthy.

I think you are wise to be factoring in the challenges of a long-distance relationship.

Honesty and comfort = companionship: a good start - or a good end goal if that's all you want or are ready for.

"What to do with it?" I'd just continue to go with it, see where/if it leads and enjoy this good thing you have at this moment.

You won't, "lose the intimacy and positive, healthy support" if it's real - which it seems to be right now.

Continue to be true to yourself and to be open to possibilities - not expectations.

Like I said, no wisdom, just observations from someone who would love to have your "dilemma" right now

What the hell. Enjoy it for all the good that it is right now. No more, no less.

[hoosiermama]

ah, gardener, thank you so much for your reflections--which are filled with so much wisdom!

yes, I think this is about as real as it gets; and if I don't kill it with my insecurities and abandonment issues it will be miraculous...but I'm so much better in that way than I was even a few months ago. it's difficult to "live in the moment" (which is what I should be doing) and "enjoy this good thing I have at this moment" when I'm looking for negative motivations and clues of imminent abandonment. how long does this crap go on in our heads?!

I love what you said--be open to possibilities, not expectations. that is just profound in its simplicity and will become a mantra for me.

looking back from a few days (and looking forward to Monday)...it just feels very good, very comfortable, very warm. I've heard from him briefly a few times (he's visiting folks all over this area of the state)...and he is very much looking forward to Monday. and we were both clear on this...while the physical intimacy was absolutely great, it was the talking for hours--the emotional intimacy, the dropping of awkwardness and the transparency--that we loved the most about the time we spent together. had we not both had obligations, I think we would have spent all day sitting in Starbucks.

he says he challenged me because he cares, because I often challenge him (in different ways, tho). there just seemed to be some urgency in trying to convince me I need to be dating, and I still wonder why it was so important, so urgent. just the possibility I'll "learn things about myself that I'd never learn otherwise" seems rather vague to generate as much urgency as there seemed to be about it. I believe that if he persists in this "challenge" I'll have to challenge him about why this is so important to HIM.

ah--the challenges of a long-distance relationship. especially with someone who doesn't seem to define this as a relationship, and who has other non-relationships closer to home. nothing serious, nothing exclusive...

thank you so much, gardener, for your wisdom. the dilemma, honestly, is not "what to do with it." it's how to avoid sabotaging it. this is a kind, decent man with whom I share not just history and stuff in common, but outright synchronicity, and it seems so safe, comfortable, and honest; it's been healing for both of us so far. all of those things tell me to continue to go with it; just wish I could define it better so I know what I'm going with.

[BeingMe]

That is so awesome, Hmama! I am so happy for you. It must feel like Jupiter rolling off your shoulders.

[hoosiermama]

that's pretty accurate, BeingMe! celebrated that and my daughter's last day of school by going out for her favorite...sushi!