The year of not my problem

[Kalni]

When you start with "journaling" I hesitate to post to you. Sounds like you are Ok on your own. For the record: I think you are doing a good job healing.
K

[AJM]

Thank you Kalni. I am doing well. The journal is as much for me as it is for those that may follow later. Just to see that they are not alone.
I am healing. It's going to take time and I recognize that. I recognize that I have to let her go and that I do not have to accept the behavior she is displaying now - the meanness, the vicious attacks of character, the putting the kids in the middle of it, etc. I don't have to and really never did. I do have to accept that she wants to leave and there is not a thing I can do about that to change it. I will accept it and I will say goodbye to all that the marriage included. I will be a good parent and help my kids through all of this. I will NOT repay mean and vicious with same. I simply won't do that.

I will hold my head up knowing I did my best and then some. I will wish her the best in her journey and I will be happy for her.

At some point, all of that will be the normal behavior for me where this is concerned. I can feel it. But right now, there are some soft spots to work on such as the anger. I can use that anger to complete my own healing - searing the wounds closed until they can finish scarring. Those scars will fade over time. I don't even think it will be much more time from now. I have spent a lot of time dealing with this already, and have a good head start. It may be a few more years of course, but it won't be forever.

I recognize now (once again actually) that she apparently needs to go through this and while she could have chosen to do so in the boundaries of marriage, did not ultimately do so. I can't change that. I won't. Instead, I recognize it's time for me to move on and let her finish her journey without any assistance from me. I am unable to help and not wanted in this journey.

Take care Kalni. I appreciate you stopping by.

AJ

[ClingingToHope]

I can't imagine living together while you go through divorce. That's awful. At least I can go days without seeing STBXW. Keep your head up.

[AJM]

Honestly, it's not that bad. I get what I get. I don't have any expectations. This is not about me so there isn't anything for me to do really. She's mean and nasty towards me, but part of that is that she is not getting what she wants. Not sure what it is that she wants, but I don't think she knows. I see this as her trip and I'm not invited. Once I let go of the expectations and said goodbye to the remainder of the shared hopes and dreams, I actually find myself quite relieved. I haven't fully let go of the possibility of a future together, but I don't dwell on it any longer. The craziness? I can deal with that and I feel that I am very well.
I realize that she has absolutely nothing left to hurt me with. I think she is starting to as well, but that doesn't stop her from trying. She seems to be curious about me and the things going on in my life. That's fine with me. I leave it like that. My gift to her is that I am letting go. I am putting my anger where it belongs when appropriate and not getting carried away. In some regards I am shutting down the rest of the way. I haven't done that over time. I know that now. I have gained a great deal of perspective and I am educating myself about all kinds of aspects to this situation. It helps. I've been able to connect a lot more of the dots in a way that works for me. Whether true or not, I can't tell yet and may never be able to. But I am learning to accept more fully and honestly, most of my days are very good. Even with her in the house. I don't get sick to my stomach any longer when I see her. I honestly could care less most of the time. More and more.
So her living in the house most likely bothers her way more than it does me. That's her issue, not mine. My concerns are the kids and myself. I have no other concerns at this point.

AJ

[Mila]

AJ - just stopping by to say hi and to thank you for all of your help on my tread. I'm following your tread and you sure are much further down the path then I'm.

One thing I'm not sure about from your posts....are you still standing? Or are you closing the book on your M and moving on?

[AJM]

Mila, you are very perceptive.
I am reluctantly closing the book. I promised her I would no longer fight her on the divorce. I'm nothing if not a man of my word.
I realize that this is a journey she has to take alone. I cannot help her. I want to believe differently but it's not to be. She is moving things forward and I can change nothing. I never could be "perfect enough" and that's because this is her journey. Possibly unresolved issues from before we met.
I really can't go back to the way things were prior to all of this. But I have not yet closed the door on something new. She has for now. I have to be fore this is over.. The divorce is going to happen as far as I can tell. I cannot get sucked into the insanity and I realize even if I could change her mind I wouldn't feel that's the right thing to do at this point. I feel like she wouldn't be done with her changes and discovery. I've felt that way for a while, but discarded those feelings early on because I didn't trust my instinct. I trust them now. They have been right even when I wasn't willing to listen to them. Go figure....

Thanks Mila. It's an interesting ride - get your money's worth!

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Received emails from WAS family. Sheesh. They are not happy. They saw this coming a few years back although not to this extent. They believe it's because of her goals and selfishness. I agree, but that's not the whole story. It's more complicated I think. I think it played a large role, but that it also led to other MLC like issues. Is what it is.
Got home yesterday and WAS started grilling me about the weekend with the kids. Kept my answers short. She truly is lost and a monster. I see that now. I don't like admitting it, but she is. She seems to be looking for a way to take the kids from me. My instinct has yet to be wrong...
At least she stayed away last night. I like that more than anything. She seems to be changing, but only in how she interacts with me. I suspect the fight we had is still weighing on her and she doesn't like the answers she is coming up with.
As long as she takes it out on me by spending more time with the kids, that shouldn't be too bad. She seems to be acting curious about what I'm doing as well. I find my mail opened, and her asking questions of the kids about what I'm doing. Not comfortable with that, because I know she is looking for something to blame me about so she doesn't have be the one that left for no reason. I have nothing to give on that one. Sounds odd, but there was nothing according to my mc and according to me, after going through several years of searching for something to be my fault. I did what I did and would not do it differently. I realize I couldn't be perfect enough for her, because she is looking for a way to make it my responsibility. That doesn't keep in line with much of the DB mentality - there must be something I can change.... There is not. Except for the part where I try to make the relationship work with somebody who is unwilling to make it work.
Many irrational things, but too many to list. I see more coming. Would be nice to sell the house, but I suspect I'll still be there in a year's time.
Not a problem though - I'm doing well and seeing things very differently and realistically. I'm not bitter. I'm sometimes angry, but I don't feel the sadness as much any more. I feel I am starting to see things as they really are. No more lies to myself. No more trying to protect me from her behavior. I just am.
Trying to not go back and look over our marriage and see the negatives. That's a sure way to get to insanity. The short of it is that she changed and what we once had is no longer to be. So be it. We were happy once. We were very much in love for many years. It was a good marriage at one point.

I'm working on it. I'm enjoying things again and I am not letting the insanity get into my head. Seems to be infectious but I'm building antibodies

AJ

[AJM]

Journaling:
Received text message asking for my lawyers contact information. Informed I don't have one on retainer, so no, you can't have that information yet. I'll get one on retainer when I get the papers. Replied I'll get the papers next week.
Good. Now we can move forward...
Is it just me, or is she trying to get my attention in some way and failing to do so in a positive manner is trying to do so in a negative manner? Why is my instinct telling me that is the case? No matter, it's time to move on. Can't go back and therefore can only go forward... Have to wait and see what is in store with the papers, but I'm feeling like there will be a "surprise" in there.

AJ

[Kalni]

She wants something to happen. She wants drama. She wants reactions, she wants to be able to blame you for the mess in her head.

[AJM]

Kalni, I think that's correct. I have no drama to give. I can almost see how she gets angry that I am not playing along with her plans. How I won't be the one to kick her out. How desperately she wants me to do something she can point at and say, "see - this is why I'm divorcing him" I obviously can't guess what she is thinking, but that's how it feels. Bizarre and strange to me, but then again I am not really letting it get to me.
I hope the house sells sooner rather than later. I'm suspecting that things will get worse as she tries to escalate things. There is really nothing left to throw at me; no stones left that can get to me. No arrows left except things with the kids. Yet she continues to try. My concern is that she is going to involve the kids more and may escalate this to physical abuse to go along with the rest. It's tiring to stay on my guard like this...
But it continues to just be how it is. It just is and the days will continue regardless. I'll continue to protect the kids as best I can. I'll continue to protect myself as best I can, although I have nothing to really protect myself from or for; I am who I am and there is nothing left for her to take except physically. She is just trying so hard that I have to be aware of it.
One of the hardest parts of this of late, has been trying to comprehend why the anger and desire to hurt me. This is what she wanted, not me. I do now, but I'm not telling her that in words. There is no point that I can see. There is no point in talking to her that I can see. I have enough to deal with that I do not need her drama and batshit craziness.

But it is fascinating. I can admit that.

AJ