All the progress that's been made since I've returned home now appears gone. Last night we had a talk, and all the I don't want a D from my W has turned back into she's undecided.
We both agree it's been awkward living in the same house together, and that we've both been waling on egg shells. Neither of us want to live that way because it's far too uncomfortable.
The MC had asked us to put a time frame on living apart. She's unable to do that because she doesn't know how long it will be or if we will even be together again.
When we got on the subject of communication she said something that really confused me. She said there were times in our marriage that I would do things a certain way thinking that's what she wanted. She told me that she actually wanted me to do something else, or do what I was doing differently. I asked her why she never told me she wanted it differently. She said that I should have asked her.
If I'm doing something and not receiving a negative response, shouldn't I then feel what I'm doing is correct. Why would I ask about something that appears to be pleasing to her? As you can see I I'm fighting an uphill battle with her.
There was a co-friend of ours that my W was confiding in throughout this entire process while I was gone. My W would tell her what her plans were. She would bash me and do all sorts of negative things. Towards the end the friend had enough and let me in on some things.
We spoke very little, but it was towards the end of my deployment. My W has said that me and this person were talking the entire time and that I was being filled on things. I told her we weren't talking. Well I left my Facebook open and my W read my messages. She saw on exchange between me and the friend, so now I'm a liar.
How does 4 weeks of progress back pedal so quickly? On top of that I asked her yesterday if she had planned on us dating other people during this process. She said she absolutely would not, but I could if I wanted to. This floored me because I was expecting her to say no about either of us.
I have no intentions of dating anyone other than her, and that's what I told her. The fact that she's now willing to let me date other people really sends me a negative signal. She would never share me with anyone else before.
I made it very clear that if either of us dated it was a deal breaker, she told me not to do it then, but she never said she doesn't want me to date.
All the progress was in a forward direction, now I feel like we're back at square one again.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
tbart the problem is you're pushing and she's moving back. I understand the frustrations you are having. But your relentless thinking about how things should be further along is what is pushing her away from you.
This desire to accelerate things is creating a needy projection from you and she feels that. I imagine it's also making her feel smothered.
You have to level out with that. You have to let go of her and your expectations.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady you're 100% correct on that one. As a matter of fact I told her that same thing this morning and asked her if I was correct. She agreed that mt expectations and reality are two different things.
Since she had been commenting so much how well things had been going or good of a time we had together that I expected different things.
We have in fact been making progress, and I hope we will be able to make progress again once I back off.
I go back to work Monday finally, so hopefully that will occupy my time. Also the rental property is ready, so I guess we'll start our rotation. i really don't want to live apart, but it's clear that is the only way we can fix this. Living under the same roof is just too uncomfortable for the two of us.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
This morning during our conversation that the MC told us to have twice a week, I got the impression things have truly regressed.
I had asked her if we were getting a D and she said she was undecided but she talked like we were. I later asked her if we were rebuilding and she said yes. Not sure which one it is at this point.
Things have been going the same, but there has been some miscommunication going on. Allot of assuming being done on each others part.
She also told me that she filed for a legal separation, which I had told you guys before. However when I spoke to an attorney he told me there was no such thing in Louisiana. When I told my W that this morning, she said well I guess I filed for a D then.
I was absolutely floored by this because I had no idea this entire time. The MC even stated the other night that at least nothing had been filed yet, and my W didn't say otherwise.
On top of that I asked her why I hadn't been served, and she said that she thought I had. As a matter of fact our first court date is supposed to be this month.
I realize she filed before I returned home, but how do you not know you filed for a D instead of a S? I really have no idea where this is headed at this point. She says things are going well except our conversations seem to go round and round. We never seem to get the other ones point.
She continuously acknowledges the incredible changes or corrections that I've made with myself. She also says that's the reason for her indecision and confusion, but she still doesn't feel they're real.
She says she feels she needs to continue to be distant and cold,or hold the D paperwork over my head to keep the changes going.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
Unfortunately the ball is all in her court. The two choices I have are to leave the house and be able to pick up my children from daycare and see them everyday or she leaves the house and the children go with her.
The court hearing this month that I just found out about is to discuss custody and child support. She wants joint and will get it because I can't afford an attorney.
She told me tonight her objective is to go through with the D, since she already paid and filed, but still try to reconcile. In Louisiana it's 1 year before a D is final,so there's still time. However, I'm so angry and hurt right now that she would have to prove allot to me for me to want to stay with her.
I'm really confused because things have really been going well. I unfortunately will probably start to act like a jerk towards her because I'm so pissed right now.
She's holding absolutely every one of the cards right now, and I have no choice but to do what she wants.
Married 18 Me 39 W 37 D 15 D 5 Divorce Filed 8 April 2010 Beginning of Reconcile 8 Sept
too much relationship talk, too much pursuing on your part, too much neediness and insecurity being displayed on your part, too much letting her call the shots ("are we getting a divorce?", you ask the question "we" but only one of you is deciding, do you notice that?)
- let her leave the house, she wants joint custody, that means you'll have the kid half of the time, let her live with the reality of her decisions, stop trying to prove your worth to her, I'm sure I told you that a long time ago, it actually does the opposite and look at the great results you've achieved thus far (I'm kidding, things obviously don't sound too great)
Chin up bro, you can handle this, by getting a handle on you.
Don't turn into a jerk, or a prick or an a$$hole, you're better than that - but you don't have to kiss her a$$ either, have some respect for yourself.
If you want to be a "cat toy" you need to act like a "cat toy."
happy, go-lucky, happy-go-lucky, every thing's great, whatever you want dear, I will be fine in fact I will THRIVE. good. good. good.
RELATIONSHIP TALK. right off the top. bad idea. nothing good comes out of relationship talk. never has. never will. even if you walk away feeling good from one, how do you know they weren't lying to shut you up. Two different ways of looking at it: I'm in a relationship. Good? Bad? Doesn't matter. It is what it is and people are different and people change. And I am happy. Or, Relationship? What relationship? oh, the bad news, the arguing, the nit-picking, the not getting along. Yeah. I really don't need to think about it. It brings me down and I need to concentrate on myself for a while. There are other ways of looking at relationships, I guess, but when things are working you never talk about them. Why make matters worse by hashing out past hurts and disagreeing.
ANGER. Anger is a trait of the desperate. If you ever get a chance to watch people fight, study the person who is losing. Watch when they are beat. Typically they get angry, and get hit hard again, then they become desperate. They start making bad decisions, acting outside of their norm and ultimately lose. Relationships are they same way. Just breathe, relax, be light, float and know yourself.
BE HAPPY. People are attracted to happy, care-free, confident and interesting people. Even your wife. If you are depressed, angry, talking about things that disinterest and depress the other person, they leave. They will walk right out on you. Who wants to be in that situation? It a big wild interesting world out there. If its not working for you, you don't need to confine yourself to a hole. Don't.
Now on being a cat toy. Robs a cat toy. lmao. I enjoy being a cat toy too. Watch kittens play. Happy, care-free, nothings tying them down, climbing the curtains, chasing balls or a feather, attracting other cats. As soon as one is having a good time, they all seem to wake up from under the sunlight blasting through the window, and frolic. And all it took was having a good time. People are the same way.
