Introducing myself and describing my situation

[fudwoman]

Hello all,
You'll have to excuse the fact that I'm not up on all of the acronyms etc. of the board but I am here for the same reason as all the rest of you - the marriage reaper has knocked on my door. So here's the story:

I have been married for 19 years. We have 3 children ages 7yrs (DS), almost 6yrs (DS) and almost 4 yrs(DD). We have had a rocky marriage at times - separated twice before and one more time very close to separating but it didn't actually happen. We also have had many years of therapy. Over the past 7 years however, since having children we've done ZERO work on our marriage and have really neglected it (e.g., little if any sex, no real active problem-solving). When we've separated before it's been much the same - my husband got to a breaking point and then completely withdrew. It's a tight box he puts himself in - connecting with me equals a lack of safety so any attempt to reconcile is a threat. The only way we've been able to move past this before is basically through physical separation but given the kids and finances that is not particularly feasible at this time. I should clarify that the main issue (I believe) in our marriage is my explosive anger and downright meanness at times which I have spewed at both our kids and my husband. On April 3rd we went out on a date (first in a long time) to celebrate our 19th anniversary and that's when my husband told me I was out of his heart and that he felt completely disconnected from me. I asked if this was similar to what had happened to us in the past and he said it was different because this time he feels numb - nothing for me - not sure I believe that but I'm certainly not in his body so I can't know that for certain. All I know is that it's pretty darn identical to how things have gone down in the past. I was devastated and began begging and suggesting we go to therapy - a typical reaction for me (big abandonment fears over here). He was initially ok with therapy then he backed out - then I backed out and then he requested that I refrain from asking him anything about the marriage or about his feelings. I quickly went to the Internet and Googled something like 'saving a marriage even when one person doesn't want to' and I ended up at a site called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. I quickly downloaded his book, read the entire thing and found it very helpful (some similarities with DB). I followed his strategy for a while which is basically to back off and not pursue the partner who wants out but to casually ask them out on non-romantic dates. I kept things light and friendly and it actually did improve our interactions tremendously. I also simultaneously spied on my husband via his computer (bad idea) and got to read a bit of his thoughts. So where are we today? A little over 5 weeks later we are at somewhat of a standstill. He is friendly toward me and asks how my day has gone (a change from the first few weeks) and we of course have to deal daily with the ups and downs and frustrations of managing the kids but there is no affection between us. He watches TV every night and is obsessed with learning to play hockey (something that began before this all erupted). He will invite me to watch a movie with him but that's about it. We sleep in the same bed and we are both still wearing our wedding rings but we're in an odd holding pattern. This I will say is definitely a departure from what we've ever experienced before. I do see an individual therapist and I hired a DB coach (have had one session). On the GAL front I have been meditating 15 minutes every day and have been attending a meditation group on Wednesday nights. I have seriously curbed my yelling behaviors at the kids but anger remains an issue for me. I am committed to working on my anger issues (through a workbook) with my therapist. I am clear that anger has been destroying my life in a multitude of arenas and that I need to get that issue under control regardless of what transpires with my marriage. So that's my story.

What am I looking for from this board? Well, some general support and camaraderie and a place to not feel so alone about my situation (I have told very few people). Also, any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for listening.

I look forward to meeting you all.

A

[robx]

Well "A",
you aren't alone ;-)
and I'll tell you that it takes alot of courage to explain the details of your life's current situation and asking for help is the first step to getting help.

You will get a lot of support on these forums so hang tight and stay positive!

[fudwoman]

Thanks robx. I'm having some logistical issues with navigating this board but I'm sure I'll catch on. Any help or suggestions you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

A

[fudwoman]

Ok - feel like I have not been direct enough in my original post

Please tell me if anyone out there can relate to my situation

Also - if anyone has any suggestions about how long I really should continue in this 'avoidance' state with my husband not dealing with the marriage let me know. I think marriages come apart from conflict certainly but I also think they come apart for lack of true intimacy - physical and emotional. Right now my husband and I are sort of like co-workers - we both have to work on the same project (the kids) and we are pleasant with each other but there is a barrier that is not crossed. I feel really sad about that - and anxious - and definitely angry (no surprise there). I think my husband is acting like a child - he is being selfish and considering no one's needs but his own. He mistakenly seems to believe that just having a good relationship with the kids is sufficient. He's completely ignoring the role of family dynamics. I know that I can't force him to move past this place but how long do I give him?

A

[Bridgestone]

Hi A..
Bravo for you for posting.. as robx said, admiting to problems and seeking help is the first step.

Personally, I think you are focusing too much on your H and need to work on you. Your changes will necessitate him changing.

I have been on the receiving end of "angry" for years and it shuts down emotional intimacy pretty hard.

I walked on eggshells with my XH trying to prevent the next eruption.

If your H has been doing this trying to appease your anger for 19 years, it will take a while to overcome this tendancy...and not nearly as quickly as you may like.

IF HE chooses to over come this, it will be in responses to things that you are doing to that make it safe for him to consider rebuilding that intimacy you are seeking.

I would suggest "love without Hurt" by Steven Stosny as a FIRST read and work for you and then moving onto "Hold me Tight" by Sue Johnson. The first comes highly recommended for couples in high conflict relationships, especially for the one with anger issues... the 2nd for couples who have emotional intimacy issues.

Without emotional safety there can not be true intimacy. I can understand why you would be angry about lack of intimacy, but he is sad & anxious & probably angry about how he has been treated in the R up to this point as well. Developing compassion for your H's perspective is crucial in working on yourself and your R surviving.


Good luck & peace
Bridge

[fudwoman]

Hi Bridge,
Thank you sooooooooo very much for your post. First - you are correct - TODAY I am focusing on my husband - seems to be an ebb and flow to that story and I try to just watch it happen but I often get really stuck - esp. on anger - it's a 'sticky' emotion for me. What you say about walking on eggshells is 100% on target - in fact in the past that's exactly the term that my husband has used to describe his feelings. I do have my moments of having compassion for him and then I get sidetracked. You are absolutely correct though - without emotional safety there can be no intimacy. I'm interested in the books you suggest. I did a Google search for the first one - but it looks like it's about the person on the receiving end of the anger is that correct? If so, I'd rather not read it right now. While I can see it facilitating my compassion for my husband's perspective, I don't think it will help me with my goal of focusing on me and overcoming my anger issues.

On another note - I see you were recently divorced. I'm so sorry to hear that. My question is - did your husband try to change his angry ways or was it too little too late for you? I know your personal experience has no bearing on my own but I am curious to hear about what has transpired for others.

Thanks much!

A

[Bridgestone]

The Love without hurt book is definitely for you. there are parts for the spouse, but it is mostly for the one with anger issues.

He also has a website www.compassionpower.com and bootcamps to attend in the DC area.

To answer your question: It was 3 years from my bomb & me moving out, to the D during that time my XH did try to change, in the end it was him crossing my deal breaker. More information about why I finally filed can be found on my thread(s).

Good luck.
Bridge

[fudwoman]

Brigestone,
I went to the site and just downloaded the HEALS program. Bless you for this - truly! I have been searching and searching for help to no avail and this looks like the ticket. Not so much about my marriage - I need to change my life. Anger has been like a cancer in my life and I have felt completely powerless to rid myself of it - have tried many things but maybe finally with your suggestion this is a way out.

I will look at your thread.

A

[antlers]

Hello fudwoman.

I'm sorry you're here. But under the circumstances, 'here' is a good place to be.

I myself was an angry, resentful, and abusive (emotionally and verbally) man. It had nothing to do with my wife or my children; it was me. I vented my unhappiness on them...the ones who were most dear to me. They suffered. And I paid dearly for it. I've been on this board for a year or more, and I've posted a lot, in detail, about my situation. I wish I had known over the years what I know now.

My advice to you...work on yourself. Period. It can be done...I'm proof of that. I'm no longer angry, resentful, or abusive. The work you admittedly need to do on yourself needs to be done, regardless of how your relationship turns out. You have no control over him...what he says, does, or feels. So don't bother. You do however have complete control over what you say, do, or feel...so exercice the only control that you do have...over 'you'.

The things that you need to do to make you and your life happy and fulfilling in case your marriage doesn't work out are the SAME things that you need to do if you have any hope that your marriage will work out. It's the work that I mentioned above. There are no guarantees that things will work out with your marriage...so have NO expectations. Don't do 'the work' in hopes of saving your marriage. Do 'the work' because it needs to be done...period! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I might mention that the "compassion" that Bridgestone mentioned to you is all important. But you must have compassion for yourself before you can have true compassion for others. It means not only having empathy for the suffering that people are going through or have gone through (including yourself)...but it also means being willing to do something about that suffering! You're not being compassionate to yourself when you are an angry, resentful, and abusive person...much less to anyone else.

Compassion is the lifeblood of families, and you might or might not be able to keep yours together. Take the focus off of your husband, and put the focus on you. Focus on becoming the best fudwoman you can be, the best mother you can be. He might or might not appreciate it...but it's the only hope you have of being happy, regardless of whether or not your relationship works out.

You can't change him or the way he feels about you...so don't bother. Only he can do that. Become a strong and compassionate person. Get rid of the anger. Change the way you think and feel about things. Exercise regularly, and take better care of yourself. Get into better physical shape. It'll make you feel better about yourself.

This is something you need to do...for no other reason other than because it needs to be done. I love the book that Bridgestone referred to you, 'Love Without Hurt', by Stosny. She referred it to me. I used it to become a better person all the way around. You can too.

Sincerily,
antlers

[fudwoman]

Antlers thank you so much for your post. I actually feel so hopeful right now. I praise you for being able to work through your anger issues. How exactly did you do it? I've spent years in therapy to no avail. I am working my way through a workbook as I mentioned before but I'm also going to supplement that with the HEALS approach. I am completely committed to working through these issues - mostly for my kids - not my marriage. Though of course I do pray that we can have a transformed marriage in term. We shall see.

A