The year of not my problem

[AJM]

There. Better. Took a little time to work that out of my system, but not much.
These waves of feelings are a pain the butt. But they are not nearly so difficult any longer. I don't feel much movement, but I know it's happening. I'm moving further and further away and moving closer to moving on. I'm done. There is no looking back and wondering "what if" or "if I had..." I realize it wasn't my choice. I realize that now I am making choices and I am, several months later, still happy with that. I don't foresee that changing, although I do realize that there will be times of sadness and wondering if things could have been different. I know the answer to that - yes they could have. Just not by anything that I've done or could have done. And her relationship with the kids is hers. I'll be there for the kids regardless, just like I always have.

AJ

[kat727]

That has to be one of the hardest things about this process. Their relationship with the kids are theirs. They need to own it and we need to step way back. It has kept me sane this kind of realization, hopefully it will help you too.

kat

[Kalni]

ajm,
you repeat "I am done" too much... Getting little worried here.
Dont get stuck to "time". It IS a relevant thing. Dont expect too much from you. Easy does it
HUGS
K

[AJM]

Thank you Kalni. Re-reading it, and I'm getting a little worried that I'm not done enough. I've had enough, but done may be a little further away

AJ

[AJM]

Yuck. I'm spinning. I should just go ahead and admit that and get it over with.

I am in limbo and I know it. Doing something about that is the harder part. I suspect the right thing to do is...nothing. Seems about right for now.

So, I'm doing nothing for now.

Why am I spinning? I haven't figured that out yet. I think I need time to figure it out.

Yuck.

AJ

[LolaL]

Hi AJ, you need to find some way to take the edge off. When I got to the point where I knew I was spinning and couldn't stop, I would consciously put both of my feet on the ground, close my eyes, and breath deep.

Or smoke a cigarette, but I don't recommend that unless you already smoke.

Think of a way that you can calm your mind when you feel it racing. Any suggestions?

[AJM]

Thanks Lola. No, what seemed to have worked was to pick a fight with stbx. To be honest, I just couldn't take it and the anger helped me see how she has been leaving for so long. Even while lying about trying. (hey, that rhymes
Truth be told, I have nothing left to give to her and won't be treated that way any longer. I unloaded on her the other day. I felt very calm afterwards. And have since. Am I done? I doubt it. But I don't have much desire to work on any kind of relationship with her any longer. At all. I loathe even seeing her to be frank. This is not likely the right forum for me any longer....

Just the same, thanks for the thoughts. I'll take a look, but honestly, I think it's just time I accept that it's over and has been for several years. Her anger may just have been her trying to break away. The MLC? Hard to say if that is still going on or not. The way she treats the kids? That's abhorrent, but may just be in front of me more often than not. Seems to be changing and for that I am happy. And proud of the effort I put into getting them back together regardless of the pain at the time. I think in the end, it's just been too much and I have nothing left to give to anyone. What I can muster, I have to give to myself and the kids. It's time to walk away....

Cheers,
AJ

[Mila]

AJM - just stopping by to say hi and to catch up on your tread. Sorry about your W...just wanted to comment that you appear really strong and are handling your situation well. All the best

[AJM]

I appreciate that Mila. I think this stuff comes in waves. As I read this book "Rebuilding after...." I am having all kinds of epiphanies. Things that the MC said, things W said and did, and how things have gone over the past couple of years. I see things very differently as I revisit the past few years.
I realize that anger is going to come out more and more. It's time I dealt with it head on. It's time I stop fixating and trying to explain. In the end, it just doesn't matter. The result is the same either way. It is time in my life to go my separate way. I honestly think I'll be happier for it if you must know.
I know I have no regrets, but feel it is time to acknowledge and move past. There can be no relationship with her for a long time. At some point friendship may be possible - I can see that. But there will be nothing beyond that. It's time to say goodbye to it all and reinvent.

Sad. Angry. Happy. Looking forward to the adventure. All at once

[Mila]

AJ - I just finished talking to OW'S husband and the two of you seem to be in the same place. He has had enough, he has accepted that his wife is not who he thought she was and it was time to finish it and move on...doesn't want to have anything to do with her accept what he has to do to co-parent. He said that he is angry, sad and relieved...it's been a hard year and he has tried everything he could....he is starting to look forward his new life.

I wonder if guys are wired differently then women...you seem to have better self preservation instincts....I'm just not ready to drop the rope yet.

Keep that anger in check....take care of yourself