I feel H is trying to talk to OW again even though he uses work for an excuse or more recently our sick and dying friend. OW feels the same way and keeps putting him off.(confirmed by another person. I feel I have about had the course as I have been at this for to long and he doesn't seem to move forward no matter what I try. He treats me well but i still feel the dis-connection on his part and now I feel myself distancing. Piecing is supposed to be about both of us working together and it has not really been like that. It is still H brushing things under the rug and hoping that it will go away.
I feel right now that if OW said I want you he would be gone.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Sometimes it takes something as simple as an attitude change to turn them around, especially during cycling. Making yourself less available to him, getting on with your life, AS IF he's not there, coming and going as you please.
You do not always have to tell him what you're doing...just do it, and field questions as you choose to, IF you choose to.
And this move WILL spawn questions from him, but you either don't answer them, OR you be very vague and mysterious about what's going on with you. Apparently, he is "back and forth" saying a whole lot of stuff, but not doing anything about it. This also smacks of him taking you for granted, he's just assuming he can do whatever he wants to and you'll be all right with it. When you are NOT.
The only thing I would NOT suggest is getting involved with anyone else...questions have been asked of me before about dating while the spouse is in the MLC tunnel, and I do NOT recommend it...we are STILL married, even though things are not right within our marriages, adding someone for ourselves will only complicate matters and make them worse than they are.
You know that if you ask him to leave, he may NOT come back, and that is something you have to think about..as once you do it, you can NOT take it back.
You know your husband better than anyone, and it is a crap shoot, regardless of what you do.
An attitude/action change on your part is going to "stir the pot" so to speak, and not only will he start questioning, but will also become very angry, that you are NOT where he thinks you need to be at all times.
It IS possible to go very dark on him; even though he is there, letting him know that when he gets ready to work on the marriage, he will know where you are. But, until then, you have nothing further to say to him. It can even get to the point of leaving the room when he enters it, and that really gets to them, as they've lost control of the LBS, and they do NOT like that at all.
In other words, remove the safety net...YOU, from the equation, and see what happens.
These actions can also open up the possibility of him deciding to leave you on his own...this could go either way; and you need to understand that.
When changes occur, they scramble around seeking to figure out what's wrong, and try to fix it back like it was..as change represents danger to them.
In a total confrontation between you two, he has to be told in no uncertain terms that there is NO room for OW, fantasy or otherwise this is a marriage that contains TWO people, not three; that you are no longer willing to sit on the sidelines.
Also, understand by stirring the pot, it might NOT get the desired result, as this is MLC after all.
But it's a chance you sometimes have to take to force him to move forward, and hopefully back toward you, and a reconnection/rebuilding of your marriage.
We are ALL afraid when we step forward into the unknown; but courage comes out of the fear that's within, and God, in His mercy, will meet us at the very point of our greatest need. He knows your heart and your need, and will help you if you will ask Him to.
I hope this helps you, sorry Matt for the hijack of your thread. _________________________ Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved. This also smacks of him taking you for granted, he's just assuming he can do whatever he wants to and you'll be all right with it. When you are NOT.[quote]
It seems that is what we are doing is cycling. When I call him on the carpet for his behavior he says things that make me believe he is really serious about making this work. I have told him that there will be no next time if contact with OW outside work related stuff continued and I mean it. The way I look at it is he is still in replay, if OW still in his heart to me = REPLAY. The thing is is when I have been acting As if and trying to piece it is going to be kind of hard to an all of the sudden Attitude change which I think is very much needed. I think I answered my own question. I think I know what to do.
I am not afraid of what might happen I have been prepared for a long time either way but, I am going to have to bring up R to do it. I feel it is justified.
I have no intention of seeing anyone outside my marriage.
Believe me I feel this is right on the spot! When i think about this i feel that this has been happening all of my married life. I give in to most everything and he goes on his merry way. I do not want to control what he does. Heck I even told him I would not tell him he could not talk to OW that was a decision he had to make on his own and he couldn't believe it even told OW I said it. He told me I could not talk to her. Yea right.
And I thought I was piecing I think I may need to move. WE'll see.
JAK
Last edited by JoJo's circus; 05/04/1006:12 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Believe me I feel this is right on the spot! When i think about this i feel that this has been happening all of my married life. I give in to most everything and he goes on his merry way.
This is called "giving away the farm". To continually give in to another is to invite disrespect..as in, "Ok, I always get my way, no matter what I do, so I will do as I want." Even to the point it hurts another person. That is also called "taking advantage". Another term is "weak boundaries".
You're an adult, and no one can take away from you, or take advantage of you without your consent.
You may not want to control what he does, but when it comes to being married, certain rules DO apply, and there are BOUNDARIES that must be set in order to regain respect within the balance.
You are lacking proper boundaries in this instance. I used to be like you, but I haven't been that way for many years. I will NOT allow my husband to just do whatever he wants and disprespect me, just as I KNOW I cannot do whatever I want, ESPECIALLY if it will hurt him or our marriage.
You are not comfortable with OW being there, therefore your husband should have enough respect to get rid of her, especially if he wants to continue to be married to YOU.
I will not do anything that will make my husband uncomfortable, and I will not put up with him doing anything that would make ME uncomfortable. I draw that kind of a line, and will enforce it, as I found out a long time ago I don't need someone who will try and walk all over me. Love is not enabling, neither is love a doormat...sometimes love must be tough when it comes to defending your boundaries, even if it comes down to watching them walk away because of their selfishness.
It is true we cannot control what another does, but we CAN make it clear what we will and will not tolerate within our marriages, preparing to take the steps necessary to change things when an uncomfortable situation comes up.
They can either conform to what we want or walk away...right or wrong, we each have a right to how we feel.
From a moral standpoint, a marriage contains TWO people, not three. And when someone violates that covenant, a confrontation is generally in order.
OW is NOT your problem, she IS HIS..therefore his responsibility. BUT, you CAN make it perfectly clear you will NOT tolerate the presence of OW...he will either pull it together or walk, his choice.
Like I said this could go either way..but when you put the solution you come up with into action, you let go of the consequences of those actions, letting the chips fall where they may.
Jo Jo, when I posted to you the first time, I covered ALL bases, so I did not mean for you to think that I thought you were thinking of seeing someone else...I'm not familiar with your situation, other than what you'd posted...I have a habit of covering all that I think is necessary to answer as many questions as I can that may come up.
I hope it all works out for you.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HB, Funny I never felt a doormat per-say before his MLC.
Quote:
[/quote]OW is NOT your problem, she IS HIS..therefore his responsibility. BUT, you CAN make it perfectly clear you will NOT tolerate the presence of OW...he will either pull it together or walk, his choice.[quote]
I told H this very thing after the last discussion re/OW and I will be upholding what I said. The rest is up to him.
I have accepted my part in this. I am no longer letting him take advantage. I won't control him but I will let him know what I feel to be a deal breaker and act on it. I did quit letting him walk all over me getting his way just to keep peace after his MLC came out but, I had been an idiot to think that because he said he wanted the M that that would be all that mattered and that he would just miraculously not feel for her any longer and not try to keep crossing that boundary either. That was just wishful thinking on my part.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
