She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

Wow, where did that come from.

I'll take a stab at that question - you drew a firm boundary that had everything to do with your own self respect and it had nothing to do with anyone else. When we do this the other person can only respect that at some level. My psychiatrist once told me, when a person stops respecting you that's when they leave. Her parents were living with us at the time and he told me to throw them out. I said if I do that it will put a final nail in the coffin. He said it very well may, but at least she'll respect you.

You also showed how you had enough respect for yourself that you wouldn't tolerate being disrespected. You were willing to walk away from her because you respected yourself.

I told her I felt unloved, unappreciated, and disrespected due to the way she's been treating me around the house.

Bingo!

She also said she wanted to go for coffee after MC this week.

Wow...she just gave you what you said in a previous post you were hoping for.

The only weird thing was that she had envisioned us dating. What she envisioned was me picking her up at the house and us going out, almost like being boyfriend and girlfriend. This is good and all, but to follow through with what she envisions, she still see's us rotating in and out of the rental property.

Take it with a grain of salt. Let it go and cross that bridge if it comes. She was talking about D until yesterday telling you she didn't want one. So far, that bridge hasn't appeared.

She has this vision so entrenched in her brain that after moving back to the house, she still wants us to live separately while we date. I find this strange since she's already back in the home. Anyway, this could change over time, but we'll see.

Sounds like that Zen story I posted earlier in your thread. Go read it again.

A few posts back you were approaching 'the end' of your M, and now it has all flipped around. What seems bad might be good, and what seems good, might be bad. We can never know except with hindsight.

Keep DB'ing.

[tbart01]

This DB stuff really works. It definitely seems counterproductive on the surface, but it can produce results.

This isn't repaired by a long shot, but my actions have caused things to head in the right direction. I took a stand, wasn't a jerk, and stood up for myself.

My W admitted to having control problems, which we knew already, and that was one of the things she was trying to work on with her C.

That's currently one of the things that's been holding this thing back. She had her mental timeline and the events she envisioned. When her timeline got screwed up, that screwed her up.

I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and hope for positive results in the end.

[Coach]

The only weird thing was that she had envisioned us dating.

It's weird to you, I know I got the same line. She moved out, filed for D then she wants to date WTF Over?

This is truly a gift. She wants the emotional connection, some tension, some chasing on her part, she wants to be wooed and she wants to want you.

Tell her to meet you at x restaurant at x time. Then show up "on." You arrive second, looking good, new clothes, haircut and smelling great. Lead the conversation, really listen, talk about your day and look in her eyes. Walk her to her car and be the one who ends the conversation. Leave her wanting more. Be interesting,interested and mysterious.

You can handle it.

Cheers

[tbart01]

I completely get the date part. It's the fact that she's already back in the house and want's to separate just so we can date. That's what I find I weird, but that has to do with the OCD controlling behavior.

[steady]

Even a married couple needs to consistently date. If you think about it, the real problem is the 'dating' stopped and life became generic and mundane. Almost like Groundhog day. Then the drift happens. Then the frustration. Then the fighting because both people know something isn't right but they don't have the necessary tools to work through the problems. The issues come out, the friction continues to get worse, the parties withdraw into their own little worlds; one finally stands up and says it's done.

We fell in love by the things we did together. It didn't just happen automatically. If you stop doing those things and fertilizing the M, it's gonna turn into all weeds. At some point in time, you can't save the lawn so you opt on killing the whole thing off and planting new seeds.

The source of ALL my problems is me. No one else has control over my internal world. Period. I am responsible for it, and I'm responsible to fix the parts of myself that created it in the first place.

If things don't change inside each of those people they will end up with the same weeds again and again. Too many people look outside of themselves as the source of their problems.They think changing their external world will cure their internal strife, but the problem with a geographic is wherever you go there you are.

"You can switch seats on the Titanic, but you're still going down."

After a while those same people realize nothing really changed. Nothing changed except the scenery.

That's the problem with WAS's who think there is some golden life out there. It doesn't exist. The life is inside of us and our unhappiness is inside of us. If you don't find a way to be happy regardless of circumstances, you'll never be happy. Circumstances change from 'good' to 'bad' constantly (and I use good and bad loosely). Who wants their internal world to be controlled by outside forces?

I certainly don't. But I lived that way for so long and watched those around me do it that I thought it was a normal way to live. It's highly dysfunctional.

My world rests on my shoulders. I am my own Atlas. And you....yours.

[tbart01]

That was deep Steady. Seriously, that is all 100% correct. That's one of the things my W and I were talking about yesterday. Her control issues led us to not do much together anymore because she didn't trust anyone with our kids.

This something she and her C are trying to work on. She's obviously let go and allowed someone other than her to watch the girls.

Steady, you were correct about the separation being easier when you're physically separated. I love that she's here, and I love that we're getting along. I hate that she says good night and goes into the other room and closes the door.

It's never easy, and may even get harder. It makes me want to go live somewhere else sometimes, but I don't want to leave my children. I don't see how this can appear to be so easy for her, because inside it's frustrating as heck for me.

[steady]

This DB stuff really works. It definitely seems counterproductive on the surface, but it can produce results.

This isn't repaired by a long shot, but my actions have caused things to head in the right direction. I took a stand, wasn't a jerk, and stood up for myself.

I think there were a few things which seemed unfavorable which actually worked to your advantage. The first one was being away for a few months after it started. Although it was hard on you there wasn't daily physical interactions with your W. There's a difference between communicating through email and phone than there is in person.

The emotions can be filtered better on the phone and through email. There is more time to process before responding.

The second thing is you found this place while you were 'separated' physically. By the time you came home to the physical presence you had learned enough DB stuff to put it into play, rather than trying to do it on the fly and creating all kinds of damage.

My W admitted to having control problems, which we knew already, and that was one of the things she was trying to work on with her C.

This is good. Recognizing and owning an issue is the first step required in order to change it. This is very positive.

I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and hope for positive results in the end.

Just keep doing what you're doing and accept the result in the end knowing you did everything you could do. You have the ability to somewhat control yourself (I mean that as a general statement for every human being) but you have no control over where it all lands. There are too many variable which are completely outside of your control.

It all sounds positive. Just keep on moving forward.

[steady]

I don't see how this can appear to be so easy for her, because inside it's frustrating as heck for me.

You answered yourself in this statement. The key word is APPEAR. Perhaps she is thinking it is so easy for you because it appears that way.

When we compare ourselves to someone, we are matching our INSIDES with their OUTSIDES.

Don't be fooled by appearances.

[tbart01]

You got me again on that last one Steady. By the way, you're correct about knowing I did everything I could no matter what the outcome.

My C and I were talking about that last week. I have changed so much and feel so good about me that I know I'll be ok. Of course my desire is to repair and rebuild my M, but if I can't I will feel good about everything I've done.

I know I'm a better person today than i was before this started. Everyday I get tested by my W or some other situation. I see how much differently I handle it, and I feel pretty good. Like setting down boundaries with my W the past few days. before I would have just been an ass and not gotten my point across the right way.

Everyday brings a new test and a new challenge. I accept it and I'm always ready for it. I'll just continue to grow and improve. I hope she finds her way soon, not just for me and the kids, but for her most importantly. I've got the kids well taken care of, but they need their mom emotionally stable.

I don't plan to veer off the path. Too much positive on my part has happened for me to change course.

[tbart01]

As far as the date thing goes. Should I wait for her to ask since it obviously needs to be on her time table?