I will try and give my brief story. I am new to this bloging stuff so bear with me. This is my 2nd marriage (11yrs now). My husband recently told me that he Doesn't love me anymore about 3weeks ago. At first I was angry and approached the situation all wrong. Even before I got the DB books I knew what I had done was wrong. So I stopped, I have read the DR book and am working on the first book now. Don't ask me why I read them in this order.
I have been using some of the techniques but with my own twist. I am probably communicating more than some of you. After I had a chance to calm down I asked if he would consider a seperation instead of a divorce to start. He seemed open to the suggestion which made me happy. We have talked about me wanting to keep the house but there are things that need to be done to it that I am not capable of doing alone. So he has been working on some of the repairs. He of course wants nothing but wants to make sure me and my daughter (from previuos marriage) are taken care of.
Fast forward a bit and all of his friends have kinda abandoned him and he really has no place to go, so he has been sleeping on the couch for the past three weeks. I have been using the techniques and talking with him at every opportunity. We have even been sexually active together, which to me is a good sign. So, last night we talked a great deal about where to go from here (his bringing it up not me). Now he wants to build a room in our detached garage where he can "seperate" from me. He states he wants to live like we are divorced but not sleep with other people of course. He contradicts himself during conversation and starts talking about our future together but then I think he catches himself. I asked him If I could snuggle with him last night before we went to bed and we fell asleep together on the couch. Before we went to sleep he said in a few weeks after he works on the fence some he will take me on a bike trip for the day. I am of course going crazy because I know many of these things are good signs.
So now the plan is for him to build a room in our garage and for us to be seperated that way there are no financial strains on either of us.
Any support or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I have posted before and never really gotten a good response.
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#1996307 - Today at 12:05 PM Re: Help and Support Anyone [Re: sb2ndmarriage] OldPilot Member
Registered: 11/24/09 Posts: 1278 Loc: peekskill, ny If you think your H is in a MLC start a thread on that board. Try to stick to one thread and one board for the future. There are resources at the top of the MLC board to read to see if you think he is in MLC. Confusion, however is a sign of MLC. It does sound like your H is confused.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Also as far as board mechanics goes, you can use the buttons on the bottom right to quote.
I am sorry that you never got a good response before.
Please do as OP suggests and check out the resources he linked for you.
IF you feel that Mid Life Crisis (MLC) is the place for you you feind some amazing advice and support...and friends in here to help you along the way as long as you are willing to do the work.
And the work is HARD. Make no mistake.
No one here should tell you if your H is in a MLC...no one here is a paid professional...that is up to you. For me, and my wife...I defined her MLC as confusion, she didn't know what she wanted from day to day hour by hour, she didn't want to hurt me, but she kept making hurtful choices.
But that is just my definition.
OP is also right in finding one place and one thread to post too.
You will get different advice posting in different places. Not all of it works well together...not at all.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I appreciate the response. I am torn due to the fact I definately feel many of his actions are MLC but there is no OW at this time at least and I believe he would not do that without telling me first. I am just confused and wondering if my actions are a part of why he has decided to stay at home and try the seperation instead of actually leaving and getting his own place. I often wonder if I should distance myself more or if I should just keep doing what I have been doing. This is the part that really is difficult to guage. I realize I need to detach more than I already have but that is going to be a difficult journey for me. I also have to say that even though this is my 2nd time around it is much different and harder (perhaps more years vested)
I really cannot discuss this with anyone in my family due to the fact that they will all tell me I am crazy for trying to stick this out. It does feel good to tell my story and get it all out. Since it is so new it is very hard for me to focus on anything else but this right now. So far it has not hurt my job or anything. There are really many signs that my H does hold some sort of hope for our M but I am extremely cautious. He really like to talk to me about his job and other things and I respectfully listen. It is very difficult when he leaves and doesn't come home. I do not ask what he does or where he goes but he tells me anyway. Right now he is saying that he is at a place of weakness and needs a relationship with himself. He of course tells me that he is not happy and he loves me and I am his best friend but he does not love me the way he should love a wife. I have been using some of the DBing and they seem to have some effect but I have also been pursuing him in some ways and he is open to this but I wonder if I should change this.
There are some suspicious things that your H is saying, however I would not worry about him for the moment. You need to make this your time. You need to take focus off of him and put it on yourself. The detaching will help. Also try reading the thread for the Stages of LBS. Also the stages of MLC in the resource thread. I have given you a lot of reading to do, as Jack says this is hard work. I hope you are up for it.
Welcome to these boards. You have two very good guys giving you advice already. I fall in the category of a fellow LBS (left behind spouse) going through the journey but maybe a bit further down the road than you are today.
I agree with OP your H is saying some strange things but i would not worry too much about diagnosing him as MLC or not. Your process will not differ. Read the posts OP gave you. It will feel like your drinking through a fire hose but it is all helpful stuff for YOUR journey.
Up till now I am sure you have devoted countless hours focused on H and your M. From this point on you will hear MANY times to focus on YOU and after X number times you hear it from us you will get it and the light will come on...
You must be patient and strong... you are here so you are the stronger one in your M, so if you have hope for your M it will hinge on YOUR strength...
But do know this- you will get the wisest guidance here and support from people who have started right where you stand.
Take care SB2.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I truely appreciate everyones input here. I have already read much of the info that is here before I even posted and I really do understand where I need to put my focus. The deal is I really though I had focus on myself already before this. Of course like anyone else in retrospect I can look back and find areas where I have lost myself. It seems that in both marriages I have lost part of myself and who I am. I have several issues I am trying to work through. Before I married my current H I would go out dancing and had lots of dates and would occasionally go out with friends. However I have never had lots of friends especially female. I would not consider myself a bar person. Most of my life has revolved around my own interest and family. Not just my immediate family but my sister, Mom, etc. This is where I really enjoy being. So I find the GAL portion particularly difficult at the moment. I hate that H goes out and comes home and I am always there. I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him. I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying. He always wants to talk to me when he gets home. So last night I ended the conversation saying I was tired and went to bed. Normally I would have stayed and talked as long as he wanted.
Really, I know I will be fine no matter what happens, sometimes I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want. To me that would be the easy thing to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Really, I know I will be fine no matter what happens, sometimes I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want. To me that would be the easy thing to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.
You have to figure this out for yourself. I will share that I am on my 2nd M and for me I refused to go out the same way this time. I can tell you that this process is really about you and finding who you are. I think you will be surprised what you discover about yourself. Part of it is standing up for what you believe in. But it is NOT an easy road and it is NOT for the feint hearted. This will take courage on your part because apart from the people here you will find you pretty much stand alone.
When you embrace this journey you must be very clear of your purpose. And stay true to yourself.
Keep posting and journaling here and we will help alll we can.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
