still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

I see that your H is doing what all new dads do--he is wanting to interact with someone on the wonders of their new offspring. You are in such a powerful and unique position as the mother of something that he adores and feels is an extension of himself.

I'm sure H didn't realize how much he would identify with S before he was born (most men don't realize). But your care of S and your tender interaction with him is something you should let your H see. Show a level of warmth that will never be duplicated by OW. Not spoiling, of course, but you could coo how handsome he is, smart, he did this today, he did that--treat S as your H may want to be treated (what is his LL?----if it is words really "talk it up" with S with lots of compliments. If it is "physical touch", touch S in very tender, loving ways--lots of little kisses. If it is "gifts", make sure to have little "things" to give to S in front of your H.

In my case, my H's LL is "Acts of Service" and yes, a clean house and making good smelling meals is vital. Make your house warm and inviting--a cozy place for both of you. Let H see that S's needs (and in turn a part of him) are priority to you. Do "acts of service" for S. (my S wasn't a baby so I'm not sure how I would do that but maybe "jump up" quickly when he cries, that sort of thing).

I was pretty indifferent to H UNTIL he began talking about S. Then, I got very happy, animated, really went to town on all S's fabulous behavior (and you are lucky--babies change so quickly you would never run out of things to talk about). Don't go on too long--maybe 10-15 minutes of that--and then go back to indifferent. It's almost like you would LOVE to go on and on, but the sitch being what it is, you can't because your H has made the choices that HE has made.

I think you are doing an awesome job with GAL. Your H will absolutely pick up on that--it's a truly strange phenomena I think, but they "smell" when you are "doing things differently" and have something else on your mind.

And the above behaviour, with even the smallest "hint" that someone else may be the recipient of all your S's charms, would be a powerful magnet to start pulling him back to you.

My previous thread was locked. LauraOh thanks for your input but he wants to D me and is with OW...so I feel like I did all that you suggested and it didn't draw him to me...he decided to go through with paperwork.

I feel like at this point, the LRT is what I haven't tried so it would be foolish of me to not do it.

I could continue to coo over my S. I have been packing an overnight bag and have bought more toys and books, regularly find activities for us to do...WH sees all that. Yes, you peaked my interest when you said show tenderness in a way OW won't be able to compete with! But I feel pretty confident I left WH with those memories!!!

[4luv]

Newmama,

just checking out your new thread. I agree with what you said above regarding the memories that you left with WH and your decision to do LRT. I felt the EXACT same way once I moved out of our home with my husband. It really helped me to know that before I left I improved myself and really tried to show love and care for husband so that when I left I had no regrets. It was hard once I moved out but I didn't have any regrets. You sound very strong newmama...keep it up!

[LauraOh]

Hey Newmom,

Don't be so sure that you are really done--you will always be around to show H a new and improved you, and as they say around here, only 1 % of affair partners last.

Are you GAL so much that it doesn't matter? I know I would be in deep, deep trouble if I was getting male attention from anywhere at this point.

Just want to throw that out there...

[newmama]

Laura please explain a little more about GALing too much and the male attention issue....

I do appreciate your input and am nervous about navigating the dating scene. I see that most of the women who have been in my position don't date (due to moral reasons and I think maybe they are afraid it would push their WS away? and maybe aren't ready)

I do have a fear that if WS confirmed that I was dating (although I haven't started yet) it would push him faster to D.

At the same time, wise men on here (Robx is only one but is an example) swear that dating is good for the LBS and creates a pulling effect from the WAS.

I do realize there are other ways to fill one's life and am looking into other meetup groups for various activities.

[newmama]

one more thing- do you think that this new arrangement is increasing my WH's respect for me? I mean I purposely chose to let him "cake eat" for the sake of DBing (without affection or LM of course). And now I am saying he can't hang out here or converse about S via text (he used to check in every day).

[newmama]

ok here is another q- sorry to be post crazy, just going through anxiety of course.

how do I handle the whole landlord issue? Suppose my prediction is right and while he has Wednesdays off from work (for the next month or so), he will be trying to come back to the house earlier than 2 in order to do yardwork? Do I tell him sorry, Saturday works better (example) so that S and I can be gone while you are here?

Or do I just allow it and take S with me to go somewhere?

On the one hand, he will be returning to a 5 day work schedule soon. So what is the harm- could there be benefits to him coming over here for the limited time (a lot less than it was!!! A LOT)

On the other hand, will it put a wrench in my LRT approach and diminish the effect of him being forced to be alone with S on Wednesday, at OW's place (because he used to hang out with S over here- and she is at work anywhere so it would be her empty house)?

Please respond anyone!! Thank you in advance!

[bluestar]

NM, I know that this is something you say you have covered but I feel like I need to say one more time anyway. I really think that you need to seek some legal advice especially now that he says he wants to go forward. Even if you are a very good researcher, you still are not a L and could be missing things that would be very important to you and your S. It also seems like you are trying to protect your H interests and that's not your job in a D. The landlord arrangement really bothers me. That's a lot of power to give away to your H.

I think that LRT for you could work. At the very least, it will let your H know that you are not ok with the way things have been. He may have gotten the message that your fine the way things are. LRT will definitely change that and that could make him re-evaluate.

[newmama]

Thanks bluestar! You are right I think that LRT does show that I wasn't fine with the previous arrangement. I also told him I wanted to R so he knows.

Yes I will get legal advice. There is no written landlord arrangement yet though.

[gatsby11]

I'm a tiny bit confused about the landlord issue. Are you both being landlords or just him? And will the rental property be the house you're in right now?

My WH and I are landlords in another state and have been for about three years now. In the contract that I wrote him (that he still hasn't returned to me. . . ) I laid out how arrangements with the rental property will go.

[newmama]

Thanks for replying Gatsby! He will be the landlord of the current house. I think if everything is laid out then it should be fine. The issue I have been having trouble with is how to do LRT if he is over here doing some stuff in the yard.

But I think I will just hash this out with my therapist tomorrow.

I am trying to figure out how to act still- do I take advantage of the time he is here to discuss S? It seems to conflict with LRT. If I want to be amicable "co-parents" then should I not be withholding opportunities to talk about S?

Maybe he will show up with some paperwork today as proof that he is serious. Should be in here in about 10 min.