The year of not my problem

[AJM]

SR - I know. The kids don't deserve this. Neither do I, but that's inconsequential and I can take it. It's not what they deserve and that is frustrating. I am cordial. I am even kind in many ways. But I am quickly changing focus and re-emphasizing my own needs and changing my habits. Every time I think I want to do something nice for her, I instead do something nice for me. Or a friend or the kids. I am exploring the world at large and really do enjoy that. I just need us to sell the house so I can be away from her for good. I do realize I'll have to deal with her regarding the kids, but that is to be expected.

AK!! Good to see you here. How have you been? I haven't been back to CA in a while, but still owe you as I recall. Need to get you to find me externally so we can work out the details!

I do have a clear direction. Just going to require time and exploration I think. She did a lot of damage and I'm only now starting to decompress and find some of, and work to repair that damage. I didn't realize the extent and still may not, but I'm actively searching and repairing that damage now. 18 years of marriage and almost three years of just me trying has really left a lot more damage than I expected. I kept my feelings bottled up away from her while trying to "find out" if we could fix things. Just didn't realize there was no "we" trying. In some sense, she may have been trying, but hard to see that. She has been trying to kill the marriage and destroy everything in her life that she can. Thankfully she has come back to a relationship with the kids. I am grateful for that.

Last night:
Gosh that was fun. She came home from the beach with my son after an overnight. Good side is that they went alone. That's new for her since during all of this she has not been alone with the kids for more than a few hours. I've been gone quite a bit and the funny thing is she feels she can text me to let me know that I am not spending a lot of time with the kids. I don't respond, but I don't really listen to her either. She's mean and hateful even now. <sigh> Goes out of her way to say mean things and to be harsh towards me. Yesterday she came to me and asked if I had plans for memorial day. I told her I'd check the calendar and get back. But I thought about it and came back to her later and said I'd re-do my plans and she could do what she wants, the kids and I would find something to do. She told me that she wanted to take the kids away for the holiday. I flat out said no. She took them for Easter and I was going to take them for this holiday. She was still angry and said we'd work it out. I'm ok with that as long as we work it out so that the kids hang out with me. Truthfully, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds. They can do what they like and I'll agree to their choice. But I realized that I have given everything. Really. I have nothing left to give to the monster. I have to save it for the kids. And I do. I also realize I do NOT want to get the kids into a tug of war over any of this. I'll let go before I'll do that to be sure I don't hurt them or put them in a situation that will hurt them. I'll just have to let them know what I want and that I'll go with their decision on many things. I don't want them to think I don't care.
</vent>

More later.

AJ

[AJM]

And now for something more.
I'm just posting. Feel free to read something more meaningful and poignant.

I was at lunch with a friend. I was describing my nightmare last night. Not sure why I had it, but it was there anyway. My nightmare was that I was walking towards my car with my kids, and three monsters were trying to steal it. I yelled at them and then tried to stop them. They threatened me and I backed off. It's only a car anyway, right? About that time my stbx came walking out and saw them, and started towards them to stop them. They started hitting her with a chain making her cry. I started to go towards them to stop them, when I realized I had to stop. I couldn't help her. One of them noticed me and pulled a gun. That's when I woke up. Weird huh?

I realized while talking to my friend just how stressed I have been. And how I am starting to de-stress. As I do, odd feelings and thoughts bubble back out. That's not a bad thing, but it is new on the scene. I haven't had a nightmare in a very long time. I have lived one for a very long time, but that's different. Same for dreams.

I do feel sad for her. I feel more sad for my kids and myself at our loss. But I don't hate her. I dislike her strongly and I have no respect for her. But I don't hate her. She has had enough hatred for the both of us. I don't feel like I need to add to that, rather I just need to protect my kids and myself and let her go. So I try to let her go a little more each day. And each day it gets easier to do. Little by little.

As the saying goes, "An elephant is best eaten in pieces." I'm chewing now, but I'll go back for more shortly

Cheers,

AJ

[Thinker]

I stay angry because otherwise I let my guard down. And everytime I do that I get punched in the nose. That's happened every time for the last three years. I see no reason to continue allowing that behavior.

Man do I know how that feels.

[aliveandkicking]

AJ- On FB..."Alive Kicking"...

My situation is sad, somehow not much different than so long ago. Limbo. Cake eating. I am so much better though. I am creating a life for myself and I do intend to file for divorce, still angry and disgusted that he doesn't have the balls to make a decision and I have to be the one. But, it is what it is. I think eventually, he will come around...it seems obvious but, alas, I will be long gone by then.

Amazing that I still can't believe it is worth it to him to lose so much; we've had some amazing times together in the past few months but, he is in contact with the "ex" girlfriend he acquired "after" he left me. So, that's a deal breaker for me.

At least I see a life and a future for myself...and it is good.

[AJM]

I am glad to hear you are still swimming. This is a crazy life and hard to understand why things happen the way they do. Painful,but we will be better for it.

I'll catch up to you.

Take care,

AJ

[AJM]

I think I'm starting to get it. I have been holding to a sliver of hope that things could be different in the near future. As if I've been waiting around for her to come "rescue" me from this hell. Silly I know, but they are my feelings.

I need to figure out how to let go without becoming a bitter man and without becoming a hateful person. Still grabbing my balance on that one. Would be easier if we did not live together and if she did not lie so much. My expectations could be lower too I suppose.

I think yesterday was hard for me for a reason. I think my mind is making connections and feelings I have previously stowed away as detrimental to the process are now coming back to be dealt with. At least they are waiting in line and not rushing in all at once

Sadness was yesterday. I guess it has been there all along, but I don't know that I've given it enough attention. Like a small child that wants his father's attention, sadness has grabbed me by the cheeks and is vehemently demanding my attention. I'll give it.

I think what I've realized is just how crazy some of this has been. When she started pulling away, I think it was due to stress mostly. But as I look at it more closely I think that's only part of the picture. I think she is not only pulling away from me but from her parents and their ways. Things that she was doing in part because of her parents influence. I think this rebellion is part of that. I've felt it all along - I'm paying for the sins of another. And I've suspected it was her parents. But I think what happened is that as she couldn't deal with the stress, she began to find ways to get it off her back. I've felt that too - she needed to find a way to let go of the stress load and was willing to do whatever it took. I think she began to believe the thoughts put in her head about being selfish. And as she did that, it became more apparent that I was a problem. As she went down that path, she needed it to be my fault. I didn't give her that. So she began to re-remember our past to make it fit what she wanted. So desperately. I also believe there is another man in the picture. There have been a few, but I think that's part of the issue. That other man is providing some sort of emotional support that she felt she "couldn't" get at home. I think that growing up is also part of the reason she rebelled against me.
This has never been about me. It has never been my "fault". Just my burden to bear. But to be honest, I think it leaves me only one thing to really do - say goodbye. While it is not what I wanted, I did give it my all. Everything and then some. I'm depleted to say the least. But I can and will no longer be there for her. We cannot be friends as long as she continues to treat me badly. And she is continuing with the harsh words and the anger. She is spending more and more time with the other guy. I almost feel sorry for him I know how that will end eventually, but to be honest, that is not really my concern. I have a twinge of caring, but I don't think this is the time for that. This is the time to move on with my own life. To accept what is and to let it go. I need my house to sell or for her to move out to make that really sink in, but things are in need of change. I'm ready to begin the climb. I'm ready to keep swimming. I'm ready to see what is in store for my life. To explore.
I think the other issue I have is that "hope dope" fantasy of her coming back. She is not. She is dead as far as our relationship is concerned. Never came back and has been actively trying to get away from me for years. If that is what she needs, then so be it. I say goodbye for ever and will try to make my peace with it. That is my goal for now. To say goodbye and to leave it at that. To stop thinking she will come back. To stop thinking about her and the issues that she brought to our lives. I am slowly making peace with this. But it is taking time. I have years of emotions to work through. I'm going to do so.
One emotion at a time.
No crowding.
No pushing please.

There is so much to explore. I want it drink it all in....

AJ

[Kalni]

AJM,
loved your post, the way you put the puzzle pieces together, you are healing my friend. It's a long road but you are on the right path,
xxx
K

[AJM]

Kalni!!! Very nice to hear from you. How have you been?

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I'm doing my best.

I realize so much as I move further away. I realized last night that I'm missing so many positive things in my life and have been focusing on the wrong parts of my life. I'm working hard this week to change that and you know what? It feels good. It feels more like me. The me I lost over time while consumed with so much more. I like this part....

The ideas keep trying to come into my mind but I need a break. I've communicated what I need to communicate to my children, friends, family, myself. It's time to rest and see the good that life has to offer. One step at a time.



I'd love to catch up Kalni. To see how you are. Outside comm is a fine way to as many of us don't seem to be here very often anymore.

[Thinker]

Hi AJ,

Just read yesterday's post. I think you are describing my situation, my relationship with my wife, and my needs as well.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

-Thinker

[AJM]

Yep. Thank you Thinker. I think we are very much in the same situation. Time to move on, no?

AJ