She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

tbart she's sending you mixed signals because she's mixed up. It's the roller coaster ride. Best case scenario - no matter which signal she gives you, you take them the same way. As if they are nothing. You keep steady while she sends all these signals.

If it's a positive signal - you think: ok, this is a signal at the exact point in time. It means nothing.

If it's a negative signal - you think: ok, this is a signal at this exact point in time. It means nothing.

When you see a 'signal' we start to project that into the future as if it will stay. When it switches to the other side we start to project that into the future as if it will stay like that.

It's our projecting into the future that is the problem, not the mixed signals. This is where the confusion comes from.

We see an 'apparently' good signal, we go up in hope and feel good. We see an 'apparently' bad signal, we go down and feel bad.

Get it?

Here's a good story for you:


We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.

"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"We'll see," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.

"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"We'll see," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"We'll see," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"We'll see" said the farmer.

------------------------------------------------------

tbart, be this farmer.

[tbart01]

Steady, I'm actually trying to see things this way. I can't be reading into anything positive or negative. It's difficult especially since everything was negative before I got home.

Now she has us spending time together, which I never imagined would be possible again. She's coming over tonight to see the girls while I go to C, then we're all going to dinner tomorrow. We're also going to dinner and a movie Saturday night for my D14 birthday.

We star MC this Friday, so we'll see how that goes.

[timehealsall]

I wish you the very best.

it's hard to NOT get excited or think that our loved one's changing but you need to keep DBing and just keep moving forward.

HUGS!

[any chance?]

Steady:
Your advice to tbart is wonderful, and is very important to me in my current situation. These are words of wisdom. Thank you so much.

[Surviving03]

yes great story about the Farmer, I love it. How is it going today tbart? I dont know if you have still been keeping up on my sitch, but H and I are working on reconciling, its been about a week and a half now, so far so good.

I havent read what his most currently going on with you... but I will tell you, I had a couple of false reconciliations with H before this time, two other times to be exact, and both of those lasted all of 24 hours. And I can say now that looking back, I could see he wasnt really serious at those times... but this time, I honestly believe he is genuine. You will know too... But just be careful right now, since its not necessarily a reconciliation for you two to be spending time together, just be careful I think to not give her too much opportunity for cake eating... I would just hate for her to think that things between you two can just be this cordial all the time and she still doesnt have to be married to you, you know what I mean?

Good luck with the MC!

[tbart01]

SV3 I saw that you and your H were reconciling and I'm happy for you. I truly hope it works out for you guys.

I've been busy remodeling our rental since I've returned so I haven't been on here as much as I need to. Tomorrow is our first MC session so we'll see how that goes.

I'm very confused and frustrated by my situation. After being together so much last week and this weekend she's scaled it back a bit. I have no idea what's going through her head nor do I want to try and figure it out.

It seems like the better things go the more withdrawn she becomes. She says she envisions us dating, but unless it's lunch she turns down everything else I suggest.

She came to stay with the girls while I went to my C session. Before she left i asked her for a hug which shes given me before. I know I shouldn't have, but I did, she extended her hand for a shake instead. I was floored , but let it go and walked on. This morning I received a text from her thanking me for not pressuring her for a hug. She said she's happy to know I'm not pressuring her.

It's very difficult to see her as much as I do and not have things progress better than they are. I'm not pressuring her, I'm letting things fall as they may, but it's very difficult. I try not to read her because I almost always misread.

Things are going well, but I don't want to be her friend. I have plenty of friends and I don't need her to be one of them. I've been waiting for her to show some form of affection, and sometimes she gets up in my face like she wants to kiss me but she doesn't.

I told her that I would probably wait forever for her, but I don't want to have to do that. She said she would never do that to me, and she knows that it's not fair to me the way she's been. She wanted things to go according to her timetable, but they aren't. I almost think she's afraid that things have gone so well so fast.

I know these things take time, but including the 6 months I was away it's already been a long time. i just want things t be over one way or the other, but I have to make sure I've done everything I can first.

[steady]

Stop asking her for hugs. You see how that can turn out.

Stop asking her on dates.

Stop telling her you'll wait forever. That's not true and it's pressure on her.

Stop telling her you love her.

Stop looking for affection from her.

Stop wondering what she's doing. It bleeds out through you whether you believe it or not. She can feel it.

Stop being desperate and needy.

[tbart01]

Steady that was the first time I asked her for a hug, she asked the other time.

I've asked her for coffee on two occasions.

I don't tell her I'll wait forever for her, but yes I did say once that I probably would but don't want to have to do that.

I haven't told her that I love her months.

I haven't been wondering what shes doing believe it or not. That's strange even for me to do, but it's a good feeling.

I live my life everyday with my girls. I don't call her or ask for anything. I f she comes over it's because she's asked if she could. If we do something together it's because she asked or suggested it.

[steady]

Ok good. It was just a quick smack if you needed it. Apparently you don't.

This line - "She says she envisions us dating, but unless it's lunch she turns down everything else I suggest." - suggested it was more than two times for coffee.

This line - "I almost think she's afraid that things have gone so well so fast." - seemed to indicate to me that you are trying to read her mind and are wondering what she is doing (doing to me includes thinking/acting/emoting, etc...)

When you wrote this - "I told her that I would probably wait forever for her, but I don't want to have to do that." - I interpreted that as something you did recently.

And then this - "I've been waiting for her to show some form of affection, and sometimes she gets up in my face like she wants to kiss me but she doesn't." - this looked to me that you are waiting for her to give you some affection. Waiting is needing, needing is desperate, desperate oozes out of us like sweat... If she got up in my face I might say, "You want to kiss me don't you?" with a big grin on my face..like a teasing grin. But only you can read it.

I empathize with you tbart. I know exactly how it feels to be in the position you are in. I lived it, and it sucks. Detaching is the hardest part. I think patience comes in a close second.

[tbart01]

Yes unfortunately I'm waiting for her to show me some warmth or affection. It sucks, but I've been apart from her for 7 months now and haven't had the ability to detach.

We had MC tonight and it wasn't good or bad it was MC. I know she left my presence in a hurry and said she'd see me in the morning. She's coming over to take D14 clothes shopping.

I do know one thing, I don't know what our outcome will be. I just thought I'd throw that in, because none of us would have come here if we knew our outcome.

By the way Steady left the date invitation open ended, so it's not something I continue to ask about. I asked her yesterday if she wanted to get together tonight after MC if things went well. You see where that went.