Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I sent my W a text this morning to tell her no one will be at my brother's house to get our S off the bus. (He rides the bus with my niece) She texted back saying she's in a bind. Her mom is busy with her dad and she has a late meeting.

I told her I would pick up our S and bring him back to work with me. I work late when I can to make up the time I have to use when I take them to school in the morning. She thanked me and I told her it wasn't a problem.

Co-parenting comes first. All the rest of the stuff lines up after that.

I continue to be myself and be nice and fair no matter where she goes. The other day she got a bit nasty but I just held my steady course. Didn't let her actions pull me in to her level. I actually feel better when I do that because I am projecting who I really am and I don't need to get down in the mud with her.

[whiskey.tango]

Steady,

Hi. I am guilty of participating in the brain-free activity that is FB and neglecting the rest of the internet. I've been reading your posts, but feel I have little to add. But since you've asked.....

You are being fair. Although, I can see your W is taking up a bit of real estate between your ears. So, a new question springs to mind - what do you want from her? I noted that when talking to your C, she says based on the person you are now, you don't want her back. I can understand wanting to keep your family together, however, that would involve taking her back.

You send her pictures of the kids when they are with you and this is a nice gesture. You do follow up with commenting that she wouldn't do that for you. You are right. Let it go. She is who she is...if she changes it will be her idea. What's your intention? So the kids will feel she's involved while they are with you? I disagree with that - doesn't that send a mixed message? She's no longer involved with you and she gets her time with them. My thoughts.

Do I want her to turn around and tell me she made a mistake? Do I want her to genuinely own and apologize for the things she has done? (like I did many times in the MC sessions)

The answer is YES. Why do I want this? Sometimes I don't even know. Vindication? A need for validation from her? (I think it's a lot less about this one)

I don't think you need validation from her. IMHO you just want to be right for once. When our spouses walk away, I think most of us want to think that they made a mistake. They all have their reasons, valid to us or not. I had a time when I wanted him to regret leaving me. Now? It just doesn't matter. (Almost 4 years later, it took about 2 years me to hit this point, your mileage may vary)

My bachelors will be in Natural Health. Unconventional, but I do believe that complementary medicine has it's place within scientific medicine. Both from a preventative and integrated prospective.

Started my next psych course - the book is good. Reaching out - Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization. David Johnson. Another quick read - full of interesting thoughts.

Are we good now?
WT

[steady]

The first thing I want to know is did you sing the sentence to the song? (Where oh where is my WT....) lol

Steady,

Hi. I am guilty of participating in the brain-free activity that is FB and neglecting the rest of the internet. I've been reading your posts, but feel I have little to add. But since you've asked.....

Oh...Crackbook. I try to stay away from that place as much as possible. I pretty much only go there when I get emailed that someone has sent me a message.

You are being fair. Although, I can see your W is taking up a bit of real estate between your ears. So, a new question springs to mind - what do you want from her?

It's funny you mention the real estate thing. Yesterday at the end of my work day I realized I didn't even think about my sitch at all. I laughed a little bit because as the days move forward I find it occupying less and less of my mind space (and there's a lot of space in there). So that was a nice observation. Most of my thoughts around the sitch are more on the things we need to settle on - custody, house, money, etc... and less to do with the dynamics between her and I.

Since physically separating from her I have a lot more peace inside me. I really do like who I am and I've worked really hard at getting to the point of self validation.

What do I want from her? You've asked me this before and I really couldn't answer it. I don't have any idea. I can't answer that question right now - and I'm perfectly ok with that. I imagine the answer to that question hasn't really settled at some semi-firm point and is still wiggling back and forth.

I noted that when talking to your C, she says based on the person you are now, you don't want her back. I can understand wanting to keep your family together, however, that would involve taking her back.

You're right, it would require taking her back. I think the overall theme was I wouldn't take her back because I have changed and put quite a bit of distance between us - I wouldn't settle for the person she was doing our marriage nor the person she is right now - she's pretty much stayed the same. So in that context I wouldn't be with her because she doesn't have much to offer me.

You send her pictures of the kids when they are with you and this is a nice gesture. You do follow up with commenting that she wouldn't do that for you. You are right. Let it go. She is who she is...if she changes it will be her idea.

Funny you mention that. She just sent me a video and a voice message from my kids. So that was nice. I like getting them because it does keep me in touch with the kids when she has them. Remember, my kids are 4 and 7 so them being able to send messages or pictures is a big deal to them. Usually I ask if they want to send a picture, video or pic and voice to their mom. If they don't want to, then I don't. The other ironic thing is it was her mom who took the picture and video - here's a woman who wouldn't even say hello to me when I last saw her at my D's birthday party. So my decision to be as friendly as is possible at this point, does have an impact in my world. I understand people will do what they do, but reactive people will respond reactively to the message you send out to them.

What's your intention? So the kids will feel she's involved while they are with you? I disagree with that - doesn't that send a mixed message? She's no longer involved with you and she gets her time with them. My thoughts.

Although she's not involved with me, the kids are still involved with her. I think me doing stuff like that gives them a feeling of connectedness with the other parent even though they are physically apart. I may be wrong about this and I'm sure time will tell. I'm just trying to do my best to co-parent and to keep the kids actively involved and connected to my W. Again, I don't have any experience in being separated with a split family so I basically grope around to find a good balance point. I've also been told by a number of mental health professionals that the way the kids react to this kind of situation really depends on how the two parents get along. That's my primary goal.

I don't think you need validation from her. IMHO you just want to be right for once. When our spouses walk away, I think most of us want to think that they made a mistake. They all have their reasons, valid to us or not. I had a time when I wanted him to regret leaving me. Now? It just doesn't matter. (Almost 4 years later, it took about 2 years me to hit this point, your mileage may vary)

I think you're spot on with that - I don't need validation from her (there is still a small part of me that wouldn't mind it..lol) and it's more of a point of being right for once. I can see there will be a day when it just doesn't matter and I can see how much it's actually dissipated over the time that has passed.

I imagine if it did happen it will be a double edge sword.

My bachelors will be in Natural Health. Unconventional, but I do believe that complementary medicine has it's place within scientific medicine. Both from a preventative and integrated prospective.

Started my next psych course - the book is good. Reaching out - Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization. David Johnson. Another quick read - full of interesting thoughts.

Are we good now?
WT

I used to be a lot more interested in alternative medicine than I am now. I completely agree with your statement as to is relevance to modern medicine and how they would both actually complement each other. I remember reading studies on the positive effects such 'alternate' methods have.

Good luck on your new class.

And of course we're good. We're always good...

[steady]

Nothing much going on. My W and I have been getting along well for the past two weeks. That seems to be her limit of time she can go without causing some type of drama.

She decided to stir up some drama today. I didn't get sucked in and stood my ground. It ended up pissing her off more because I didn't accept her negativity.

I'm too tired to get into the details right now but I'll post it next time I'm here - if for nothing else but to keep a journal going.

All in all everything is good. I'm happy even in the middle of all this crap. I find myself in a position that I was shooting for - being good and happy no matter what's going on around me. The sitch is still there with all of it's problems and difficulties, but I feel just fine. I'm not in any rush and refuse to pushed.

[steady]

So far I've had a great weekend with the kids. I took them Friday after school to a party for my S friend. We ended up hanging out there until 7:30 - after 6 it was just my kids and I hanging out with S friend and his mom. The kids played together and I chatted it up.

After that I took the kids to the drive in theater to see How to Train Your Dragon. It was their first drive-in and they had a great time sitting in the back of the minivan watching the minivan.

Yesterday we went down to the waterfront here to see the ship that was the Black Pearl in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. We hung out down there and then got a bite to eat. Then we headed over to the park and they played there for about 2 hours.

Both of them said they had so much fun. The kids even made a comment to me about how their mom told them they aren't good with her and give her a hard time. They also said I let them do things that she doesn't let them do and they like that. I give them room to be kids and make mistakes but I do have healthy boundaries with them on what they can and can't do.

My W is more like a dictator barking out orders and using punishment as the method. I take a different tact and let them be involved in some way with the decision making.

My W went to her L yesterday and I haven't heard from her since. I'm sure she isn't happy at all. When she got my lawyers letter last week she spent a few days trying to come after me with a few things. I expected this because its a pattern with her. I even told her I understand she's angry and will try to come after me with anything she can.

I'll update more later. Have the kids calling me.

[CanadianKid]

That sounds like a great day. Damn, I'd let you adopt me...lol

[MaryEL]

hey steady,

I havent read much on your sitch as I have spent the last.. I dont know how many hrs ..reading survivor03.. but I saw your words of encouragement to her and wanted to stop in and say that I am keeping you in my prayers. as I havent read your sitch I dont know all of the dynamics but from this page, it appears that you are doing well in putting the kids first. That is admirable.
I hope I am not offending when I say that with time you will be able to completely detach from their mom and if it isnt meant to be, when you are ready, you will find the one who is! so.. keep playing on FB.. I have friends who have met old sweethearts and rekindled the romance! If nothing else, its fun to see how old your classmates look as you run into them! lol

take care and stay positive!
Mary

[steady]

lol @ CanadianKid - two kids is enough for me.

MaryEL, thanks for stopping by. I'm a firm believer in life taking care of me. It always seems to have a way of turning 'seemingly' negative events into giant jumping off points for me.

You're comments are not offending at all. The ironic thing is, it's exactly what I needed to read right now. This is what I mean about life taking care of me. I usually get what I need at exactly the time I need it. So thanks for stopping by and come around whenever you want, and post whatever you wish.

[steady]

It's been a while since I updated. Nothing much going on. I had an incident last weekend with her. We were in a meeting with my S therapist (he goes to group play therapy every tuesday). It was just a standard monthly meeting with her.

My W is going on and on about the 'problems' my S is having. So I interrupt and tell the T my W has a habit of embellishing and exaggerating things. I said it was an issue pointed out in the psych report.

The T asked if we agreed with what was in the report. My W said she didn't agree with the body of the report but she agreed with the conclusion - the part where she gets primary custodial custody and the visitation schedule. I laughed and said, yeah, all except that Wed overnight he recommended and you took out in the lawyer from your letter to mine. She said, yeah, I didn't agree with that.

I went on and told the T the report also said I would be a better co-parent because of my W's thinking she can do no wrong and I can do no right. I told the T that was also in the report. I also said the report said my W blames everyone else and doesn't take responsibility for herself and her issues.

My W then said, well the psychologist was going on what I (meaning me) told him. I looked at her in astonishment. I told the T this is another thing my W does - she says I 'charm' all the therapists and fool them about myself. I said, Do you think therapists are that stupid that they can't see through people's BS? Do you really think I can fool a PhD in Psychology whose done hundreds of these Forensic Analysis'?

Then my W said, "Well he told me you were a pathological liar and you were lying to him." She also said he told her I was cycling (Bi Polar) when I was with him. I called her a liar. I asked her why those weren't in the report. She said she didn't know. It was a complete fabrication on her part.

It's very frustrating. But I'm fine. I have learned to quickly bounce back when she pushes my buttons - I know it's her issues and has nothing to do with me.

[steady]

I've been busy spending time with my kids. Life is good and I'm really spending less and less time on thoughts or feelings about the whole situation. I'm letting go of my w and know she has her own path she needs to walk.

The sep/div stuff is in limbo. Nothing happening. Her lawyer sent a letter to my lawyer with a removal of an overnight from the schedule the psychologist recommended.

If she doesn't bend and give me what I want she'll have to sue me for a D. NY is one of only a few states that doesn't have a no fault D policy. You have to prove grounds, and she doesn't have it.

Anyway, I've been GALing and building a life for my kids and I. Work is good and I feel really good.

Not much more to update.