"My W told me recently that part of the problem in the past, was that she felt like she could never make me happy--I'm too fussy and critical. She washed my shirts this weekend, and I fortunately was smart enough to thank her for it, even though I was wondering if she did it the way I would have"
Kind of the same thing happened here but reversed. A while back w told me that she gets frustrated when I don't turn my socks right side out.This is not a problem for me...but she just never told me she wanted them that way. I have sense made sure...Communication
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends, I think the dance partnership with my W reveals the same themes we have in our R. Last night there was some conflict when practicing. I was having difficulty bringing the routine up to tempo. My dog likes to bring his toy in the room and drop it close to my feet when practicing. My fear is that I will trip over it and injure myself. My W gets annoyed with my inattention.
She got frustrated and said it was stupid that I'm not following her instructions, when I made a repeated mistake in the routine. I sat down out of frustration, which infuriated her. She left the room, and threatened to quit the formation team.
She insisted that I apologize for sitting down, and ending the practice. I didn't agree, but realized that I needed to maintain my presence and get our practice back on track, so apologized. She felt justified in her comments, so I accepted, but disagreed with her.
The themes I'm referring to are how my anxiety can get in the way of performance. She left me a message this morning telling me that I need to relax more into the routine. The other theme is her failure to empathize with my struggles. Another theme is her throwing up her hands and abruptly terminating the relationship, when she reaches a point of frustration (in this case, the practice, and almost the routine).
What I'm trying to do differently is to not get caught in her drama, or argue with her, or defend my position, or try to get her to understand where I'm at. Talking doesn't seem to solve things in the midst of conflict. I could tell the ball was in my court regarding the fate of the practice session, and maybe the routine. I told her that I wanted to resume the practice, even though I was misunderstood. I took the dog's toy, and hid it, and approached the practice with greater determination to keep up with the tempo.
We were able to perform the routine to tempo, three consecutinve times. We ended the night on a positive note, and hopefully are prepared for class tonight.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, Matilda, Doc, and DB Friends, I woke up last night as my dog was barking. My W went out dancing last night. I declined as we were out late the night before, and spent the day out of town at her neice's ice skating show.
My dog was barking because a young man (who we've taken lesson from in the past, and who my W dances with) from the dance community was in our home. My W was showing him video of our dance routine. The dog did not want to sleep, and My W didn't want him in the room with them, so I stayed up with him, to keep him company.
While sitting with my dog, I noticed under the closed door, a candle flickering, and heard what I thought were moans. I went over to investigate, and knocked on the door. I asked what was going on. The lights came on, the door opened, and I noticed my W in a robe and her pants on the floor. She pretended like nothing happened. I thought about it for a minute, and said that I thought her friend should leave. He did as we was told.
I tried to keep my composure and chose my words carefully. I told my W that I enjoy our life together, but I can't live like this. I told her that I want us to have a whole relationship, and that we need to move forward. She asked me what my plans were. I told her that I had none at this time.
I could tell that there wasn't going to be any constructive conversation, as she was intoxicated, so I went to bed. She kicked me out of the bedroom, and told me not to get close to her.
I'm going to try to move things forward, and hold onto the positives we have. There's no easy way out of this, so I might as well try to move things forward in a positive direction, and then if things don't work out, I'll know I've tried to the end. If she wants to end the M, that's fine too.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I sent my W a positive email while she is asleep this morning. I told her that I want a whole relationship that we both can be happy with. I told her that I've worked at connecting with her these past months, and that I consider our dance partnership special. I told her that our R is a mixture of positives, imperfections, and a history. I told her that I want to work on resolving problems so that we can have a R we're both happy with.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, I cannot believe the last two posts from you!!!. I have come to realise from reading your posts that you are a very rare man and possibly/ probably a very hard man to live with. Your attitude towards the "events" lead me to question whether you have the patience of a saint or you just cannot make a firm decision ever,no matter what your wife does and I use the term wife in the loosest sense possible. Your wife acts no better than a W** infact worse than, as I am sure they conduct business away from their home and you talk of positives??? What does she have to do to get you to act like a man. I am so sorry but there is something seriously wrong with this relationship from both sides. Your obsession with the dancing is clouding your vision. I really worry about your mental health being in this situation. I am sorry I know I have said too much, I cannot begin to understand how his mariage works if it ever did, but it is just not healthy for either of you. Please please talk to someone about it.
I still follow your thread daily but I don't post, but the latest turn of events have prompted my to write somthing. I’m stunned by the latest goings on and even more stunned by your reactions (or lack of).
Originally Posted By: CL
I noticed under the closed door, a candle flickering, and heard what I thought were moans. I went over to investigate, and knocked on the door. I asked what was going on. The lights came on, the door opened, and I noticed my W in a robe and her pants on the floor. She pretended like nothing happened. I thought about it for a minute, and said that I thought her friend should leave. He did as we was told.
I’ve read this paragraph over and over and over, and I can’t work out the positives in your R that out weight these goings on. Sleeping elsewhere, or playing away can be partially ignored, but when sexual activity (correct me if I’m wrong) with W and another man occurs in your house, right under your nose, then I think a major boundary has been crossed and it should be confronted head on. You shouldn't ignore what faces you.
Just my opinion but I think you need to take a differet approach.
Naej, It would be much easier to distance myself, if there weren't any positives. A year ago I was living the life of a single married man. We slept in separate bedrooms, and lived separate lives. Late last year, we began dancing together again, and things seemed to be moving forward. She seemed happier in general, less moody, seemed like she had done some "soul searching."
I've found a dance studio I like and want to stay in good relations with them. My W and I have completed seven weeks of Hustle Formation. I don't want her dropping out on me two weeks before the studio performance.
Maybe I can use this as a spark to get us moving forward on the intimacy issue. I'll see how she responds to my email. I do want a response. I will not accept that I go to individual therapy, so that I get to do all the work. Maybe I can get her into marital therapy.
I want to handle this skillfully, and in a manner consistent with my spiritual beliefs.
I don't think she went looking for trouble last night, but managed to bring home a dance instructor who's lacking in character, and opportunity presented itself.
Does the solution have to be cut off all ties, including the positive connections? Does it make sense to hold onto the positives and try to spark movement in the problem area (intimacy)? It seems to me that if you remove the positives, than you've removed incentives to stay and work thru problems together. As they say, become the type of H only a fool would leave.
I'm mixed up, confused, frustrated, and disappointed today. We have to cook together today, so I have to work with her. She hasn't said anything. I'm expecting a response to my email, which basically states that we need to do something different to move forward, because there's still problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Lanzo, Sleeping elsewhere is easier to deal with due to the mystery of what's going on. This event is affecting me differently, and hopefully will be a catalyst to different action.
I did confront it last night, as I recall. I threw the guy out of the house, and told my W that I as much as I enjoy the positives together, I can't continue to live like this, and that we need to find a way to move forward.
These are powerful words coming from me. It's a warning to her. I wouldn't have said it any differently.
What I need to make sure doesn't happen, is that she fails to respond to my email, and the event simply fades away.
Thanks for posting. Your reaction is a reality check for me.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, I am trying really hard to see the positives and your pov. How can you contemplate intimacy with a woman who sleeps around, I really don,t see email comunication as away to move f/ward on this issue(jmo from a female pov) Yes you told the man to leave, he may be lacking in moral character BUT your wife was also,it takes two as they say to tango. BUT then you let her throw you out of your bedroom ?? I truly think that was wrong,she should have been the one to sleep elsewhere after her behaviour. I really feel your wife is goading you to stand up and act like her husband. I do not advocate violence but certainly some strong words and firm action. You are 50 years old and could find a dance partner anywhere. You either stay in a loveless marriage, knowing that your wife will be finding love elsewhere or under your nose and roof and decide thats fine by you and thereby remain her husband in name only but fullfilling your spiritual beliefs.To do this you have to give up any thought that life will change. OR you issue an ultimatum and stick to it, preferably face to face and not via an email. You talk of history, did you ever have a happy marriage that you both felt fullfilled in and in love with each other or has it always been strained and one of you trying to please the other more than a partnership? If yes then can you pinpoit a time or event that made it all go pearshaped, a history of depression,loss of a child, financial difficulties, any reason that maybe needs to be revisited and put right. I hope you got the answer to your email. I think you need to find some righteous anger but then thats just me and I am a passionate person and honesty is what matters to me most of all. Take care.
Naej, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. My first words spoken to her were in person. The email was a follow-up.
I feel trapped and confused.
I have no concerns about finding another dance partner, so that's not the issue.
I told her in-person that I can't continue to live like this, and that we both deserve better. I told her that I want a whole relationship. She said that she wants the same.
Maybe that's a hook I can use to move us forward.
In a future post, maybe I'll post a brief history of the M.
Your words are helpful. They move me slowly to where I need to be, even though the pace may be excruciatingly slow for you and others.
It's essential that I have more presence in solving these problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
