Another thing that is making it worse is that as time goes by I just want her back more. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I feel as though my love for her grows stronger.
She says she wishes that I was like her, that I should harden my heart against her. I should just let her go. HOW HOW THE F do I do that when I just feel as though I love her more and more. I wish she was like me, but if she was then we probably wouldn't be in this mess. Effing stupid bs crap.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
First of all, I think you two need a breather from each other.
Second, I think you need to go back to square one an dre-read your thread(s) from day one, see where you've been, what you've accomplished, and what you are failing to do.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
The only thing I can see myself failing to do is detach. But how? Other than what I am doing with myself I still feel sad, angry, and I feel guilt for not keeping my marriage together. I can do the most amazing thing and I still cant get her out of my mind. I still cannot get rid of the longing I have for her.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Let me first start off by saying that you are NORMAL. You are hurt, you are fustrated and all of these feelings are NORMAL. You have experience a severe blow to thing you more than likely valued more than anything - your marriage. So you are entitled to feel pain. You are entitled to feel upset and angry. BUT what will you do with this anger? That is the question that you need to ask yourself. What my friend will you do with this anger? Will you internalize it and become depressed, will you remain angry and hurt for the rest of your life OR will YOU take this time to GROW, HEAL, and really become the type of person that YOU would never want to leave. I think I know your answer.
So how do you do this you are probably wondering? Well my friend you do this by going THROUGH the pain, you do this by focusing on YOU and YOUR kids, you do this by reflecting on you, you do this by FINALLY realizing that YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU. You do this by accepting that true love is the ability to LET GO. That's right, LET GO. You see, a lot of time WE Want people to change to fit our mold, we want them to be the people we want them to be BUT this is somewhat controlling my friend. IMO, true love lets go and lets God. True love understands that I cannot change another but can change myself, true love does not HOLD on to anger and hurt - it forgives, it encourages.
Am I saying that you do not have true love - NO. You do! You are struggling with the realization that this is really happening to you. You are realizing that YOU really do not have control over her or her actions. You are realizing that the pain will not go away in a few months. All of this is normal and from this YOU WILL GROW. You will learn to love her unconditionally. Think about that unconditionally. NO CONDITIONS. Not a condition that she return, not a condition that she does the things that you want her to do. No just love her....Love her from a distance. That my friend is detaching.
Detach and you will gain clarity and peace. Detach and things do not hurt as much. Yeah you will have pain, detaching does not happen over night. It is a process, a process just like the process of trying and save your marraige.
Promise yourself this today - today I will NOT give up on my M. Today I will not give up on ME. Today I will not give up on my family. Today I will accept that I cannot control things. Today I give this to HIM.
Wild - you are good man and one hell of a father. Take comfort in this and cut yourself a little slack buddy. Cry, but not in front of her or your kids. Scream out to God to heal you and your W. Pray like you have never prayed before. Hug your kids (they are so cute) and then my friend....GIVE IT TO GOD. Let this be a battle that He fights for you. Then start the process of healing.
I will try and reach out to you tonight. I am on the east coast (CT to be exact).
You say you did not speak her LL enough...why not just leave her be and let her come to the realization on HER time of what she has. What she has my friend is ONE HELL of a MAN.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
One other thing....have you ever consider that maybe just maybe she will appreciate and respect you for the TIME that you are giving her to deal with HER issues. Just something to think about my friend.
Please do not loose hope. You were doing so well and I believe...f that! I know that you can do this buddy.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
When she complains that you are crying/sad, do you think she's saying, "be a man", or is she saying, "I feel guilty about your sadness"?
I feel guilty about your sadness. She says she doesn't want to hurt me or that she hates how she is hurting me. Well the [censored] stop and come back and work [censored] out dont run away!
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Eric, thanks for the encouragement, same to you OTMT and dday I got to read them a few more times before I respond in full. I'm sorta on my heels right now. Yeah, thanks though...I just need time to think.
Aces...
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
One other thing....have you ever consider that maybe just maybe she will appreciate and respect you for the TIME that you are giving her to deal with HER issues. Just something to think about my friend.
No, I haven't considered it. If I have it was in passing or that I'm going to try and just give her absolute space, but never follow through. It is hard to stop doing what you have been doing, and learn what you should have been doing and not do it any more.
Quote:
Will you internalize it and become depressed, will you remain angry and hurt for the rest of your life OR will YOU take this time to GROW, HEAL, and really become the type of person that YOU would never want to leave. I think I know your answer.
I dont want to internalize at all. I'm used to letting my feelings out. I've always been a person who was honest with his family and friends, maybe even bruttally so. I want to GROW, I want to HEAL, but each time i see her my emotional scar is ripped wide open again, it makes me want to go to my knees. GALing is all good, I have plenty of things that I can do to find a Life. But honestly nothing seems worth my time. I don't have motivation to do much other than work out.
Quote:
You will learn to love her unconditionally
I already do. I think about what she does or has done, and all I can think of is I forgive you. I don't care, just come back to me, we can work this out, we can grow and start a new M and a new R. I dont want my old one. I want to be WHOLE AGAIN. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I promised my life to her, I'm extreamly loyal to those who I give trust in. yes i know she has broken that trust but I have given myself to her. I know no one else but her. She is my first for everything. She is truly the one I loved first, truly loved. And all she is doing is hurting me. And I have no idea why? Its like someone giving you something then when you reach for it they beat you for reaching for it. All you can do is ask why, why are you doing this to me? I don't deserve it, I am a good man, I am a good husband, and I am a good father. I don't deserve to be treated this way. But if you just talk to me and walk with me we can learn. If you would just choose to love rather than wait for the feeling you would be different. If you would just do the right thing rather than listen to your heart you would know what it is you should do. If I can make the descision to change why cant you? If I can make the right choices why is it so hard for you? Why do you run away rather than fight for what is worth fighting for?
Quote:
No just love her....Love her from a distance. That my friend is detaching.
Detach and you will gain clarity and peace. Detach and things do not hurt as much. Yeah you will have pain, detaching does not happen over night. It is a process, a process just like the process of trying and save your marraige
There-in lies my problem. I don't know how to detach
Quote:
Promise yourself this today - today I will NOT give up on my M. Today I will not give up on ME. Today I will not give up on my family. Today I will accept that I cannot control things. Today I give this to HIM.
I have done this already, 7 years ago when put that RING on her finger. I made my promise to God and I made my promise to myself and her. I don't want to control anything I just want to be happy. I just want to wake up and feel like myself again. I used to be a goofy guy someone who would joke around and not take life seriously. Now all I do is wake up and feel like my skin isn't mine. I am torn in two and I'm trying to rebuild myself.
Eric, thank you. I still need to read over what you have wrote a few more times. The thing is I'm not on a rollercoaster any more. I'm just coming to realize and be honest with how I feel. You can call me any time today after 2 so 4 your time. I got to my IC at 8.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
