WAW and the law of attraction

[FormelyknownasF]

Hi, this is my first post and any comments/help are appreciated.

My wife asked me to separate while on a trip to celebrate our 4th anniversary.
I was amazed to pick up DR and see almost exact quotes of her motivations for giving up on our marriage. "I don't hate you, I just don't love you" is in her top 3.

DR has been very helpful but I have a major problem. My wife is a big, big, BIG supporter of the law of attraction. She's been unemployed for almost a year and has focussed all of her energies in finding answers through this belief. She has shown signs of depression and that has made her even more vulnerable to this. (I even think law of attraction has played a major role in her depression because she sets herself incredible high expectations that are never met).

My problem is that she's trying to explain this whole thing from the perspective of the Law of Attraction and how this is a step towards happiness, etc and hundreds (yes, hundreds) of online friends are supporting her in this decision.

I feel so powerless.

I would do anything so she could just take sometime and see all of these with a clear mind. No LoA, no divorced girlfriends coaching her, etc. I just want us to make an informed decision.

So at one point I thought of sharing Divorce Remedy with her and just ask her to read the first 2 chapters in the hope that she could at least open the possibility that this crisis could be caused by many factors. (obviously I will assume full responsability for my part)

We're due to meet in 1 week (her choice) to discuss what's going to happen.
I don't have many high hopes as she's been bubbly and upbeat about her new found life and her facebook friends obviously, celebrate this.

And I'm just trying to find the strength to go through this.
Any help, is welcome. Is asking her to read the book a good idea?

I appreciate your help. I would call a divorce busting coach but I really can't afford it right now as I had to move and it was really expensive.

Pls, anybody out there?

[mrbt]

Jav,

I do NOT think its a good idea to share the DB book with your wife. Since she is asking to leave, it would only cause her to dig her heals in even more. Keep the book to yourself. In addition to Divorce Remedy, I recommend you read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. James Dobson. Its important that you control your emotions right now. Don't let the panic take over. Once you read DR and LMBT you will understand.

mrbt

[gutwrenching]

Jav,
First of all breathe. Calm down. I hate to tell you this, but there will be no quick solutions. DO NOT share DR...that is your playbook, don't give it to the other team. I am not a vet but others will chime in. She has her FB support, you get your support here. You are going to need it. Don't give up, have hope, follow the advice, learn from your mistakes, and start preparing yourself now, mentally/emotionally/physically for a long, tough rollercoaster ride.

The experts will need some more information. How were things before, have you or her been unhappy, how has communication been, could there be OM in the mix?

Read about the WAW...it is a short article here at DB and it will be enlightening.

Find Sandi's 30+ rules on how to deal with WAW...this is critical at early stages. You have a chance to not make a bunch of the mistakes most of us have made by coming here early. It will seem counter intuitive...it is...but at this point it has to be your guide and you have to trust those that have gone thru this before you.

Read up on other threads...you will be amazed at the similarities.

It is painful, we are all either in pain or have suffered thru the same thing.

These boards can be your life savers and are great sounding boards.

Time to be strong, figure out and CHANGE what you have done wrong...and it won't happen overnight. Your W didn't decide to leave overnight, even though it might seem that way right now.

There are a ton of great people that will be here for you

[gutwrenching]

Sandi just posted this to someone else...she is one of the vets here. This is a good place for you to start...she knows what she is talking about!
----------------------------
Your W wants to escape from you and the M. The best thing you can do is to back away and do nothing to pursue her. EVERYTHING you say or do will seem like some form of unhappiness to her. Even saying ILY is pressure to her. There are a lot of things that you should do or not do that could help your stitch. I'm sending a list that I hope will be of help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[FormelyknownasF]

mrbt & gutwrenching,
Thank so much for your kind replies. I never thought someone would reply so soon.
I immensely appreciate that as it has been a long, difficult week.

Here's a bit of backgroung (sorry if too long)

Us:
We've been together as a couple for 12 years. We're both 31 now.
We lived together for 3.5 years first, then married 4 years ago.


How were things before:

The marriage has been quite a journey. Literally. We married and decided to move to the Europe. Things were hard for both of us, trying to get used to change, etc. but even if things were tough in the beginning (I couldn't get a job here for 2.5 years, she always was supportive and understanding of this). The relationship as a couple became incredibly strong. I have a letter she wrote for our 2nd Anniversary that makes me weep every time y read it where she acknowledges what an amazing person and husband I became.

To me she's been an amazing woman, I would not change a single day of my life with her for anyting in the world. She is intelligent, sensitive, considered and it never ceases to amaze me how well we fit. How we complete each other.

Then, the recession hit. And she lost her job in Oct 2008. Just one day after her bday she was notified. The timing couldn't be worst. I had found a temp job at the company of my dreams but was soon told they couldn't afford to keep me.

In march 2009, we were about to drop the towel and go back to our country. An idea that she panicked about, she'd beg and cry but I had to be sensible. I was offered a well paid job there and life would be cheaper.

Finally, out of pure desperation and trying to do what was best for both of us, I made one last attempt and was incredibly lucky that my work caught the attention of the same company I had been temping with. It was quite a struggle but they took me in as a freelancer WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE WAS LAYING OFF PEOPLE. It wasn't much money but it enabled us to stay in Europe and not eat up or savings. She appreciated this immensely.

Though, this crisis passed the check on both of us. I'm certain that by that time the winter blues and her unemployed status and mild problems we had in our marriage (the only serious one i can think of was intimacy) got her into depression.

My biggest mistake was throwing myself at work because I was on monthly or even weekly contracts so I couldn't afford to lose a beat. That'd mean no money.

The problem was she started looking for answers for her depression on the Law of Attraction. And she really committed herself to that, to the point where she didn't want even to look for a job anymore and wanted to change careers. Someone at her LoA FB group told her she could be a life coach. She committed 100% to this and this was the beginning of the nightmare.

I asked her to go easy on that. She wouldn't leave the house and spend all day in FB discussing the LoA. Things got weirder and weirder as she started to talk about talking with "entities" and living every single second of her life with LoA in mind. She changed her tastes, wouldn't like what she used to like, etc.

I talked with her. She told me she wanted me to be supportive of this the way she's been with me, specially when she had to support myself (she was the most loving and supportive person ever). I agreed but said even if I agreed on the LoA principles I couldn't participate on the canalizing "entities", etc. but I'd trust her if she wanted to do that with her time.

I worked incredibly long hours, weekends, etc and was under so much pressure for most part of last year. I apologised. She told me she understood and was grateful for having me 2.5 years for herself and that now it was my turn to do the legwork. I felt grateful for that.


Intimacy problem:
We started developing an intimacy problem. She was very demanding and I couldn't meet her levels of expectation. It was when I was unemployed and I felt so bad about myself and was so depressed. I felt as if I didn't deserve anything. Then the few times I'd approach her, she made me feel I always fell short. So I shut off. Was terrified even to approach her, and scared of she approaching me. She mention sex therapy, I told her I wanted to work on my own first. Then she started putting more and more pressure on the issue warning me she'd find other alternatives, sex toys, etc to satisfy herself. I felt really bad to told I was going to be replaced with an object.


The first BOMB: Sept 2009

One day we were walking to the supermarket and I told her I loved her. She wouldn't reply and I asked her why? And she told me with an almost cynical smile, "I just don't know if I love you anymore". I though she was joking but nope, she was so cold about it that she brought me to tears in the middle of the street.
She blamed it on my for asking such a question in such an inconvenient time.

We discussed long, I couldn't stop crying. She had been plotting all this for months. I was in so much pain and she was being so nasty (i'd cry while watching tv and she'd tell me I was ruining her fav programme). I wanted to move out but in the end she wouldn't let me. She cried. In the end, we agreed she was confused and we had to make some changes and gave a 6 month period to work on that.


The first 6 months:
I tried with all my heart to work on this. I still was the only one responsible for the household income so I had to keep working hard. Still I started doing many things like leaving notes around the house, flowers, surprising her from time to time, etc I'd take care of the house issues (one of her requests), arrange for builders to carry on work, etc She asked me she wanted to feel secure and taken care off so when I finally got hired I fought to get her on my health and dent plan, etc

She wanted to go visit a friend in Asia, LoA friend she met online. It was a really hard thing to do but I not only allowed it but convinced her to go in a direct fly, spend more time that was already intending to spend there, etc.

I was really working on this, then I had a problem with my wisdom tooth in late November, just when she got back from the trip. By law I was required to have someone to take care of me during this thing. I asked her and she accepted.

My wisdom tooth problem was really bad, I missed two weeks work and carried on feeling bad until right before christmas. That screwed my plans of keep on working on the marriage as I was doing. The we had her sister visiting for christmas so the whole december couldn't do much work.

January I thought, would be a great chance to keep working. I worked on the intimacy issue. And read articles, went to see the doctor, etc

By now, it had been 2 years since last time we could afford going home. My wife's mom lives on her own and she really wanted to go and be with her. I got a Xmas bonus at work, it was very generous as I've been working so hard so I told her I was happy to pay for that trip with that. Since she was unemployed she asked me if she could go ahead and I encouraged her so she left end of Jan.

I thought things were going great. I had been supportive, etc with February being our anniversary I thought our trip was going to be the perfect setting to change gears and take the changes to another level. I was so excited, I prepared romantic dinners, serenade, a trip to a couple only hotel, had made a video of our pictures together, etc. Was ready and motivated to be intimate again.

On the day she flew home, she got offered a job and we got so happy and started making plans. FINALLY AFTER 4 YEARS, life was going to get REALLY GOOD.


Bomb Feb 2010

She barely stayed in touch with me while she was back home. I tried to understand. She was busy with her mom and visiting friends. Strangely, I thought mom was going to be her priority but in the end she was really just visiting old friends she had contacted on facebook.

Finally, I flew home to meet her. It was the worst flight ever. A terrorist alert made us fly back when we were already half way through the Atlantic. It was incredibly stressful so I landed 6 hours late, stressed, not having slept in days, etc

I think she was misleaded by my emotional state and later she'd say that only thing we did was argue as soon as I landed. She knew how hard the flight had been for me.

Two days after that, I was at my parents and I called her. No I love yous anymore so I asked her, what's up? And she said I always picked the worst moments to discuss this things, she wanted to talk later about that.

We did. And she dropped the bomb again. This time she was done. Not a chance of going to couples therapy, she just wanted out, she wanted me to move or she'd move as soon as we get back, she wouldn't even want to be on the same plane as me.

I was petrified. I even ended up in the hospital because I thought i was having a heart attack after the plane, now this, things with my family weren't ok, etc

I called her to let her know that the doctor's were worried about my blood pressure. She was cold and distant about this. Probably thought I was asking for pity. I wasn't.

She agreed to meet me at a therapist office I found while on holiday to get some support because I was in a really bad shape, after all I had reservations, plans, etc for this and I had to cancel all that and bear the questions from family and friends about my wife's whereabouts.

So in front of the therapist she was as cold hearted as she had been saying "She was too much woman for me" "She doesn't hate me, she just doesn't love me" "She had wasted her youth on me", etc "I'm seconds away from being unfaithful to you"

The best I could get out of her was that she was confused and needed time to process how she felt. I asked her to realise that she was on holiday, and wasn't a good time or place to make decisions about real life.

Little did I know that she had been in touch with divorced friends who had been coaching through all this. She even spoke with some of her friends accents and used their words while talking to me.


What happened next?

I agreed to her demands. I told her, I CAN take control of things and I'd give her space and the time she had asked for. We agreed it was best if I moved as we were supposed to some of her friends visiting and It'd be easier if she accommodate them at our place. She'd stay there for one more week because she didn't even want to share the flight with me and wanted me to have moved by the time she returned.

I stopped the crying, and I tried to pull myself together and not beg or ask for anything. Silence.


What happened next?

Easier said than done.
These have been the most difficult weeks of my life.
My flight back was a nightmare, and I was starting to have suicidal thoughts.
Luckily the therapist i used back home agreed to give me some support through the phone.

Things at work were busier than usual and I only had one week to get a new place. It was soooooooooooo difficult but I pulled it together.

I cleaned the old place, bough groceries for her and leaved the keys and a letter, not love one but one saying I'd be there if she needed any help and I wanted to give her space.

Last two weeks I've been working on myself, going to the gym, things are going great at work, etc but is really hard sometimes specially when I know she's been coached by FB friends and divorcee friends that are cheering her up.

All she speaks about on her facebook is about her new found freedom. It makes me feel as if i was some type of cancer she got rid of.

I've contacted her by phone twice about some minor banking things and got her usual cold response.

The only positive note i had is I sent her a txt message on her first day at work saying "Good luck on the new job!" She replied "Thank you :)" The smiley meant a lot.


Im meeting her in one week as its the end of the month we agreed.
I have a plan but Im going back and forth about it.
Should I discuss our marriage or not?

Again sorry if its too long.

[robx]

move back home, if she wants to separate, she can find a place,
first action item for you.

[FormelyknownasF]

Can't do that. Had to rent this place for at least 3 months.
And that'd push her out of the house. Not fair.

[FormelyknownasF]

btw, I had to change my name due to privacy. Not mine, hers.

A few more notes:

The only reason I was considering giving her the book was a good idea is because Michele takes a really objective look in the first 2 chapters. She explains with stats, talks about the WAW, well meaning friends and relationship IQ.

I have some hope that the intelligent woman I fell in love with, would be interested in finding out what's exactly happening to us, opening the possibility that this might be a phase, etc.

The least we deserve is to make an informed decision. If any of us had pain in one of our arms, you wouldn't say, ok it's being hurting for too long now, I'm just going to chop it off. You'd find a doctor and listen to him first, wouldn't you?

[FormelyknownasF]

Again, any opinions, answers most appreciated.
I feel very lonely because I don't have any friends in here
that are not common friends.

I can't even talk to them right now.

[FormelyknownasF]

Also, the only reason I agreed to move out was because it was important to her to feel that I had listened to her. And also, I thought that that would push her into her "start life brand new" spirit. I wanted her to deal with reality since she made that decision while on holiday. I wanted her to come back to an empty house. It had to be part of the process for her.

Are you seriously suggesting that after this month I go back no matter what she asks for?