She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

I've been posting about my stich for the past four weeks.my thread "Longtime coming...

Today I went to an al-anon meeting in the morning, and W said she was going to spend the morning/afternoon with a classmate. We are meeting around 4pm to have dinner with D17 for her belated birthday and shopping.

When I got home from Al-anon, I discovered that she had used my computer to copy the tax records and my business records, burn them to CD, and access a file with our names and the word legal in it. That file is gone. She had tried to hide what she had done by moving the copied files into the trash, but had forgotten to clear the history in the word processor and adobe pdf reader. From the timestamps, she did all this while was gone at al-anon this morning. I'm lucky, I accidentally deleted a file and went to get it out of the trash and saw what she had been up to.

She is leaving tuesday morning for her parents for thanksgiving, so I'm presuming she would try to serve me before she leaves town.

I'm really mad now! I'm supposed to go shopping with her in a few hours.

How should I handle this?!?!?!
Just wait till she does something, or should tell her I know what is going on? Maybe she is just protecting herself, but trying to hide it make me thinks she is hoping to surprise me with it.

Help!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, if YOU were going to serve HER, would you warn her ahead of time?

There's a reason that put that little "v" in between the two parties' names -- it's an adversarial situation, sadly.

Just use the opportunity to prepare yourself, emotionally and legally. And you're going shopping this afternoon for your daughter, not for your WIFE -- that hasn't changed.

Puppy

[Awoken]

Yes, it's for my daughter. Sitting through dinner with W while knowing this will be tough, but I can do it. This is just happening faster than I thought; I was just getting a little grip on my roller coaster emotions (I slept a little more last night), and then pow! something else.

[karen43]

Awoken, I know you've been focusing on alanon and your W's drinking problem. Have you hired an L yet or seen one? If not, I think it is time for you to start interviewing L's until you find one that is a good choice for you. I think a really great book on divorce re: legal aspects is the nolo guide on divorce. I've been reading through that (recommended by lodo) and it is excellent.

I think you should still attend alanon when you can fit in it as a good support system for you. You had mentioned a men's meeting and that would prob. be good I would think.

Normally, I would advise you to cancel plans to shop and eat with your W, but I wouldn't do that in your case b/c it is for your D's birthday. I would go and focus on your D and basically try to ignore your W. I would not get into any R talks or legal talks or any kind of talks as that would be a shame and hurt your D's birthday celebration. Not good to get into anyway.

Hire an L and then have all legal discussions ended by you telling your W, that your attorney will handle that. If she is planning on legal plans, then I think you will need to go dark as much as possible. Since her drinking is a problem, then I think you can/should discuss with your L, the legal aspects of her moving out then if she is filing for D, in the best interest of your children (and you).

[Awoken]

I just discovered that W took all the cash (about $1500-2000) from the cash drawer. We've been using it to pay for MC. I simply didn't think she was up to this yet, and I feel so foolish.

So I get it, tonight is about D17, but am I really not supposed to say ANYTHING about this between now and when W either leaves town and/or serves me with papers?

I'm don't trust myself at all, and my thoughts are all over the place! I just see W pushing my buttons and this all exploding one me. I can't believe she is doing this, and that I've STILL been trusting her. I think i've still had a small glimmer of hope that she would come to her senses, even though I've been trying to get away from it. I just thought the way things were, that she would be doing at the soonest before xmas. i feel so foolish and played.

I did see a lawyer a week after the bomb; and I called a little while ago and left a message.

[CityGirl]

Unless she has already seen an attny. and has had things prepared and the attny was just waiting on these documents it is unlikely you will be served by Tues.

I know all states work in a different way but here once you see an attny and file it can take up to 14 days to get served.

I wouldn't say anything until you either get served or she brings it up. If she brings it up do NOT react and let her know you will be retaining your own counsel and any further legal discussion can take place between the attny's.

It does no good to speculate but if she is going home to see her family perhaps she is just bringing all those doc's with her to show a trusted family member to get some help sorting things out. Does she have a close friend or family member where she is going on her trip that is an attny?

Who knows why she copied all those docs. No legal talk though until you get served and retain counsel.

Sparkle and shine tonight when you are out with W and daughter - be awesome for your daughter and show your W what she is walking away from.

I know many people think I am crazy for taking this stance but I personally think when you get served you have some power. It allows you to see the attny/firm she hired and do some research and find out what attnys/firms have a good track record against her counsel. That is what I did and it worked like a charm. Most of that info can be found via public record through the court house or county clerk (or whatever the officials of family court are called in your state).

Enjoy your daughter tonight!

[Awoken]

Thanks Citygirl;

I've read the similar advice in other threads, and yet it still really helps to have someone say directly it to me. "Sparkle and Shine" I like.

I don't think any of her friends or family are attorneys there in Seattle, but her family likely has one. I'm a little worried because I now feeling like her family is aiding in this, and has a lot of money. I am basically on my own financially.

ok, 14 days to get served. It actually helps to think that she's not just about to do it and I have more time to prepare emotionally/legally for it. And you're right, who knows why she is doing this!

I'm used to talking to W everyday, and now this forum is really helping me. thank you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If that amount of cash (joint marital property) is missing, then all bets are off. You need to ask her why she took the money. If she says she didn't, then call the police, and your homeowners insurance company. Let an insurance fraud investigator talk to your wife.

Puppy

[sandycay]

Smells like a retainer fee to me *just sayin*

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I agree.