She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

She's abandoned our co=friends that she knows have shown me support.

This is typical. They build themselves a team of people and information which will support their position. Anything which presents something counter to what they want is rejected and ejected.

That's why I said she would see the DR book as a reason to leave you. She will find the parts in the book that she can twist to support her position, and she won't even see the other parts.

When I say she won't be able to see it, I mean literally see it. She would read the words but they wouldn't register in her mind.

They rationalize all kinds of things.

[steady]

tbart, things like this will make you wonder. It will make you feel. You will see her treating everyone else better than she is treating you.

You have to let it hit you and deflect off. If that can't be then absorb it and dump it here.

The less reaction you show her to what she is doing (short of standing up to disrespectful or inappropriate behavior) the better off you are going to be.

Best case - she sees a strong man who is already moving forward. He is not desperate to have her in any way shape of form. He has his life and friends and is building himself a very good life. He is positive about his future and confident his life will be awesome.

He wants his M to work out, but does not need it to. He wants to be with his W, but he doesn't need to. He shows no reaction to her talking to other people, going out with friends, changing her clothing or her going out habits (unless they impact the family in a negative way).

[steady]

I don't want to be a snoop, and that wasn't what i was trying to do. I just stumbled across it by accident.

Do you really want us to believe this? You said you don't want to be a snoop, not you aren't a snoop. So you snoop. We all did or still do. I gave it up. I don't care what she is doing. It's her life and her path. I have my own to worry about.

By accident? lol.

No response necessary on this tbart. Only you know your intention. If it's what you wrote then good, my mistake. If not, look at it and own it.

Own what's yours. Own it all.

[tbart01]

steady in my mind i feel that i don't need my W, but my heart will tell me differently at times. I wen't back to the post and deleted the response I put, so she doesn't even know that i know.

In regards to you're question. I've given thought to that exact question allot lately. I would be happy with either outcome. however, it would naturally take me some time to fathom the possibility of someone else for me.

I know that I was a good person before this, and I know that I'm an even better person now. If my W decides to skip this train, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind or heart that someone else will benefit.

I'm not lost right now, confused yes, but not lost. My W on the other hand is lost. Obviously not in her mind, but she really is. I know who am, and I have benefited greatly from this.

had i not come here and had to deal with this, it may have not gone down like this.

We could have gone on the way we were, or we could have still ended up down the D road, but I had i been there i may have handled it differently.

I truly believe I would have done more of the wrong things and may have possibly never found this web site.

I honestly believe there's a reason it happened when it did and how it did. Someone upstairs has always looked out for me, and I know that will continue.

I've held it together pretty well for being where I'm at, going through what I have. I really have improved my outlook on things and the way I handle them.

My best friend told me tonight that the difference in me is night and day from how I was 1 year ago today. He said he really looks up to me and respects me.

He went through a D and made all the wrong moves. He has commended me for my attitude and my composure, and said he's learning allot from me. I haven't said one bad thing about my W to him or anyone else, but she has about me. I can hold my head up high, because i know I'm handling myself correctly.

My sitch may really suck, but I have made a positive impact on so many people through this. I've had to talk to all my friends over here about this, and I've touched allot of people with what I'm going through and how I'm handling it.

Being in Afghanistan isn't easy, and it's no easier having to deal with M problems. i never really knew just how strong I could be until all of this. The fact that I've remained strong for my kids speaks volumes as well.

I hope the rest of my journey goes well. I know there will be rocky roads ahead, but i know I'll make through to the other side.

Sorry, i didn't mean to make it all sound corny, but i trully believe these things.

[steady]

I feel where you're coming from tbart. I had thought about the fact you aren't present with her going through this. I think in a way it makes it harder for you to mess up and really be clingy and needy. Oftentimes it's the initial behavior that causes a lot of damage which the WAS really focuses on.

So in that sense I think it was good you were away for the time you have been.

What you said wasn't corny at all. It's a good perspective to have.

Just keep focusing on you and put one foot in front of the other. No matter which way things go, you're a better person for it.

[steady]

In regards to you're question. I've given thought to that exact question allot lately. I would be happy with either outcome. however, it would naturally take me some time to fathom the possibility of someone else for me.

I didn't ask you if you would be happy. I just assumed you would be happy at either outcome.

What I did ask is how would it change how you are acting/thinking/feeling right now?

Would you be desperate? Would you be detached knowing that you are destined to be happier than you ever were?

It's a very different question.

[tbart01]

she filed for legal S today. How do I take this.

[tbart01]

After she told me abot filing for legal S, she continued to have one of thebetter talks we've had. She claimed she's been telling me for a long time that she wasn't happy. I told her she may have, but not as clearly as I neede to hear it.

She said I've made changes ion the past to apease her and then I would revert back. i validated this, and told her she had no reason to believe my changes were real. I told her that only time will tell.

I let her know thatthis isn't what i want, but she needs to do what she needs to do. I told her I still value our M and will continue to fight. I told her I will move forward, not move on, and she understood the difference.

I told her that I no longer neede us, but I still wanted us. At one point she started top argue, and I told her i refused to argue, and would get off the phone if that's what she wanted to do. She calmed down and we had a good talk.

I told her that when I returned home to not be afraid to lean on me or ask for help on anything. She said she absolutely would do that, because she has no one else.

By the end of the conversation she said that we'll see how the separation goes and we'll see what happens. She obviously needs to see that the new me is for real. She said it will be nice to see me again and that she wanted to make me dinner when I got home.

It was a difficult conversation, but a good one. I was hoping the S could wait until I got home or that we wouldn't even need to go the legal S route. This gives her peace and that's fine with me i guess. She said we would talk about all the specifics when i get home, and come up with mutual decisions.

[steady]

Sounds like you handled it just fine. Don't worry about what seems to be a rushing on her part. When my W told me she wanted a D she had an appraiser at the house the next week...imagine how messed up that felt. Probably the same as how you are feeling after this news.

So nothing's changed. Just a move to make a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything at all. It only appears to be a change. I think what you wrote was textbook on how you should act (notice I didn't say react). Kudos on not arguing and drawing the boundary that you would get off the phone instead of argue.

tbart, these situations are always 'lets see what happens'. It really can't be any other way.

You did great. Be proud of yourself. Now don't let your mind start zooming around looking for reasons behind her wanting a legal S. It is what it is. Accept it and make your decisions inside of that reality.

[tbart01]

Steady you answered the question I was going to ask. I was wondering if the fact that she wanted a legal S changes anything. I knew we were going to be S when we got home, just not legaly.

She said she told me now because she didn't want me to be surprised once I returned. I personally think this should have waited. I only a week left, and now I have to have this on my mind.

She was much nicer than she's been, and I don't understand. Remember before she was going to drop me off and leave, now she wants to make me dinner. She also said that we'll see how things go with the separation. That cracked a window didn't it?

I'm just not understanding why a legal S is necessary. Couldn't we just have done a S?

You're correct, I didn't react I acted. I know I said all the right things, and I told her i didn't want to say anything that would push her away. She said that I wasn't.

She told me I said and did all the things to push her away months ago. I agreed with her, but told her that was before I knew there was anything wrong, and that it was before I was educated.

This new information really isn't any different than before, but it just seems more official. I'm trying not to take this hard, but you know I am. I can't help but to feel it's over now.

I just keep hearing that it will be nice to see you, and that she want's to make me dinner. She asked me what I wanted her to make, and I said anything would be fine.

She said we will get together and make joint decisions. She said we're both adults and we can work things out. I told her that she knows how I feel about her, and I don't need to tell her.